Don't know how to handle this??? - Al-Anon Family Group

sisdragonfly1957 · Veteran Member

Don't know how to handle this???

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope you can dive into your recovery program and read, read and read some Al-anon literature and here at MIP and find yourself a sponsor in time, it made a world of difference for me and my sanity.

My exAH has been asking for me to be open to a shot at us again and well I have been down this road. Like you said nothing changes if nothing changes. I set some boundaries and let him know that I am living my life and not holding out for him. I want neither of us to have any expectations of each other at this point, other than what we have agreed upon about our kids. I also told him Al-anon has made such a difference in my life. He has noticed that difference and I told him he should try A.A. and see if it makes a difference in his life, he said he wasn't ready at the time. Fast forward one year. My exAH tells me he has called a known A.A. sponsor in his town and is planning on stopping drinking and attending A.A. this week. I told him great same deal goes, do not be, get or stay sober based on what I am doing or not doing and if it is meant to be down the road it will be. I am excited for him, but I am not putting myself in the middle, trying to force, change or control his sobriety or life. I tried that for years and well it wasn't pretty. I have made so many mistakes even since joining Al-anon, getting my sponsor and finding MIP, but this one I will not make again after 17 years of knowing him and almost 2 years of Al-anon, I am staying dettached with my boundaries, but open to HP leading the way wherever he will lead me.

I am working on bettering me, focused on my life and trying to be the healthiest, purest, most serene me I can be, sometimes it looks and is messy, but it's my life and I am progressing. I will not react to his or my emotional state on a whim. I am reading Al-anon books and slogans that keep me in the zone right now, because I love a distraction in the form of a man! I have come thorugh so much and am getting better and learning so much since finding all this and I wish everyone affected by this disease could read and learn about themselves through this recovery program. I am so glad my A is talking the talk, I am sitting way back and going to watch to see if he walks the walk. I am sending you much love and support on your journey!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

As I have said in other posts - If a person wants to recover, they will go to meetings anyhow. There is NOTHING stopping him from going to meetings and choosing to enter into AA/rehab...whatever. Those choices are not contingent upon you. In fact, his recovery would be much more solid if he did them on his own and had the space to focus on his recovery while you are busy getting your own life straight.

It need not be "If you get sober, I'll come back." What makes more sense is "I will get sober, build up an AA program over the next several months, then we can come back together stronger and healthier." If he can't make it on his own a few months than you know it's a plea for more enabling. He has to man up and take care of himself and his son or he will be sick forever. You have done a good thing for you and everyone else involved.

Saying "I will go to meetings if you come back" is a ploy and a hostage taking tactic. Going to meetings first and then telling you after working an AA program for a while is more what someone who is seriously invested in recovery would say/do.

Be true to yourself - But PLEASE don't go back just because you think it will make him choose recovery. That should be and needs to be his choice regardless.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I was going to say much what Pinkchip said, only Pinkchip said it better.

If he were serious about recovery, he could start now. He could have started already. When he has some real recovery under his belt, you'd both be in a better position to figure out what to do.

Whenever I believed the talk, I got taken for a ride. Because they love to get us back where they want us, and then they can live their old lives again. What I should have believed was the "walk." Actions speak louder than words.

Who knows, maybe the best thing for his son is if you let go and let God for your A -- leave him to find his bottom and start the journey to recovery from his own decisions. Most people don't find recovery until things have gotten really bad as a result of their addiction. Maybe softening the consequences by coming back would not help him find that bottom.

The good news about recovery is that time will tell. If he's going to thrive in recovery, it will become very clear over the next 6-12 months.

I wish I had paid more attention to "If nothing changes, nothing changes" when I was making decisions. Remember the misery of being with someone who drinks/uses. Please take good care of yourself.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

They are master manipulators. If he wants to get help, he can do that and show you he is serious.

They actually do better if we do not live with them.He needs to face himself. Plus going back to be around all that drama would sure not be my choice.

His son is a child, children do not get to make adult decissions. In reality he needs to be taken out of that place. Him being safe is much more important than his friends. He can always have them come where he lives on week ends etc.

We do no good going back to a bad situation for kids. This just shows them what the A is doing is ok with you.

My thing is the kids are the priority. hugs! debilyn

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