The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This Seems at times in My Life! I Start the Fun Little Roller Coaster Ride, and then when it gets going in all directions I Find a Safe Place to Land & Get off! I hand My Problems & My Life over to the God of My Understanding... Then... I take it back... I know I'm Human & Not Alone but sometimes It can be like LIving in "The Groundhog Day Movie" all over again!
Yesterday I got some Sad News about my Sons Bio-Grandfather, But For a Little History, My Sons BioDad Past in a Car Crash when My Son was 8mths old! His Family Chose not to be a part of my sons life, even after I had sent this Man (Grandfather) Certified Letters Telling him that my Son would love to get to know him... He Never Responded, (I did it Twice) and everytime someone from that family would run into me they would Cover for him and say... "Well since Loosing his Son... He's Just Not Ready!" Well Guess what! My Son is 15yrs old... And Welp... NOW... He Never Can Be Ready because he is GONE!
I Stressed most of the day on how I was going to break this news to him, Because even tho they Never Met, My Son Knew of Him and My Son's Heart is the Size of Texas :) He had a Game so I didn't want it to be till after that, then it got rained out, and I didn't want it to be in the Truck on the way home, so I waited till we ventured back home because I believe if I have something HONEST & TRUE To tell someone, it should be Eye to Eye...
So I Go in to tell him this dreaded news, and I Say... "Son... There is Something I Need to talk to you about!" & Him being his goofy self, says... "Whats that Momma... That I'm Sexy & You Know it!" Welp I Just Laughed! and Thanked HP... Cause I Ask all day for it to go as It Should! And I Handed it Over!
When I Did finally get serious, and he then knew it wasn't good news we talked about it! And he is Definately a Fine! Honest! Young Man! at 15yrs old he has experienced Very Hard Losses in Our Family at least 6 times! And He has Grown So Much & Because of Him! As Have I! Thanks to the Help of AL-Anon/ACOA and Family there in! With Out this Program, I Would still be Keeping things from my Son, that Have no reason to be Hid... He told me once that he knows when something is up, but doesn't have to ask because he knows I would be Honest with him When I was Ready to Talk about it! I was So Grateful for that...
When I Grew up, and my Parents went their seperate ways, that was truly ALL that I wanted was the Truth! I wanted my Afather to Tell me I'll Be there baby girl... And BE THERE! I Got All the Promises, I Just Never Got the Follow thru of anything more then Words! And when you are a 10yr old little Girl & See your Daddy as a Hero, its Tough Sitting on those Steps Waiting & Waiting & Waiting for your Daddy to Show Up (Cause he SAID He would) and still be there 3hours later, only Now... My Mom is sitting there with me Crying with me! Saying She is Sorry he didn't come!! And He Never did! I Did that More times Then I Can Count & Fell for it everytime! And the Day My Son was Born! I Made a Promise to NEVER Make Promises I Couldn't Keep! He May Not Remember it! :) But I DO!
People at times get upset with me because they Think I am "Affraid" to Commit! It Really isn't that At All! I'm Affraid of letting someone down! When I make Plans it is because I Know I Can! Not because I want to make them happy or because its what they want to hear! I Commit when My Life allows me, and since I began this Journey I Always Felt Guilt when I knew they "Expected" a Better Answer! I Sleep better when I can be Honest! I Sleep Alot better now!
So Many people around me in this Disease, "Expect" so much out of Others that they don't put Near those "expections" on their Own Ability... Its Easier to Ask Or Demand it from someone else & then when that Person doesn't have the Means or the way to make it Just as they see Fit, then they Stomp their Feet, Throw Hateful Words, and do their Best to make the Other person Feel like Dog Doo instead of Taking Care of themselves...It Truly Makes me Sick to know that 80% of my Surroundings have NO Pride what so ever! And Some are IN This Disease, & Others Should be! I'm Very Grateful that I AM In this Disease! Because this Disease! Brought me Here... And Being Here... Has Brought Me LIFE!
Sometimes the Roller Coaster Needs to Bypass My House! My LIfe & My Family! And Currently I am On Board for Keeping My Own Side of the Street Clean from Debree... And its Time Once More to Hand it All to HP and Just STOP Taking it back! Its Hard at times! I Struggle with Boundrys at times because I want to Much to Help Others, that at times the Boundry's get Misplaced & then the Resentments come Flooding back!
I'm Grateful I have a Program that has Taught me So Many Wonderful things! But Not Selfish things that I Thought was OK All my Life, But How to Stand up and BE who I am & Not Be ashamed of Where & What I come from! A Place that Taught me that even when I believed (In MY Disease) I was being Honest! I was t ruly only Surviving what was before me, and Making it up as I went! Thats when All I Knew was Brutial Honesty & Your Feelings were not part of My Problem! Now I Can "THINK" Is It? : T-rue?, H-onest?, I-mportant? N-ecessary? & K-ind? and I do Pretty good till I get to those Last Two!!! "Necessary & Kind!" Before they would not have Made the List! I'm Grateful they do now!
Lives get busy, People Grow Apart, and Life Just Keeps on Happening! Those that Know me, Know My Heart, & My Love for them! But Many have learned that I Will Not Do what I Don't believe is Right, & I Will Not be Told What to do unless it comes Straight from My Higher Power! Am I Bull Headed? Absolutely!!! Am I Perfect? Never want to be! I Just want to be Me! And Know that I AM Worth it! Thanks to this Journey! I now Make the List! And tho I Place My Son/Husband/& HP Real High On My List! I'm Now Sitting in Row One! Right Beside them... And thats better then Dead Last Anyway :) Progress Not Profection I Say... & Progress Only Comes When I am Open to Recieve!
I too admired the serenity, courage and wisdom expressed in your share So glad that you are taking care of yourself and are not sitting in the last row . Front row seats for you are definately a must. Welp that certainly is progress.
that certainly is progress.