New and Confused - Al-Anon Family Group

Umutlu · Member

New and Confused

Zimmy · Senior Member

Hi Umutlu

Glad you have found us, please keep coming back. I am also fairly new here, when you wrote in your post about the lack of hope that I understand, it seems hope leaked from my life before I came out of denial and realised my boyfriend was an alcoholic. Its a very uncomfortable place to be. Unlike you my boyfriend was not a nice drunk in the end as the dis-ease progressed he became verbally abusive then physically.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease and the alcoholic will deceive themselves as well us. Unless they admit they have no control over alcohol you are hitting your head against a brick wall trying to get them to confront their alcohol problem.

In al-alon there is the 3 C's...You didn't cause it, you cant control it, and you cannot cure it!

I would recommend reading as much al-anon material, reading and posting on here and above all trying to get to face to face meeting.

From my own experience I had to do alot of searching within myself to see the part I played in the alcoholic merrygo round of our relationship. You see all I could see was how he was doing me wrong and our child wrong by drinking. I now see my part in it the controlling, emotional blackmail, distancing myself physically and emotionally from him, punishing him and i was full of resentments....it was destroying me!

In al-anon we see alcoholism as a disease that our loved ones have. (not easy at the beginning but reading al-anon litrature it gives a clearer understanding).

Al-anon is not a cure for the alcoholic but it is for us to help find our answers to detach with love, set boundries and to get our own sanity back. From this we can then start seeing what we want to do.

I wanted to post to let you know you are not alone, and have been where you are now. I go to regular face to face al-anon meetings read alot of litrature, visit here everyday, and am starting to work my own recovery, alcoholism is a family dis-ease it affects us all. I have no advise but lots of support is here.

Good luck on your own road to recovery

Simone x

hdftby100 · Senior Member

While my exact details are different, I was exactly where you were about 2 weeks ago. My AW and I have had the worst fights of our marriage over her drinking. I am by no means an expert or really in a position to gve much advice other than one day at a time. It is easier said then done to accept the 3 C's (you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it). Definitely keep coming back here as I have multiple times a day and it has preserved my sanity for now. Worry about tomorrow then, just think about today. Try some Al-Anon meetings. I went to my first yesterday. And don't be bashful about posting/venting/asking questions and such on here. I have done ALOT of that lately. It helps. There will be good days and bad days. Yesterday I had a terrible day. Today I have resolved myself to have a better day. I'll figure out tomorrow then.

To answer one of your questions above "Why should I learn to live with this?" My simple answer is, learn to live. Not sure if that will be with your AH or not. I just got the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Drews. I just got mine on my Kindle (I can read it with my wife sitting next to me and doesn't cause a conflict) and just started reading.

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

Continue with the meetings, coming here and reading. I recommend the book "Getting them Sober" as well. You are practicing one part already by not trying to control it any further, that takes time, practice and hard work. But Al Anon is not about him, it's about you and finding your own peace and serenity even if he continues to drink. It's about going on with your life and letting him handle the alcoholism so you no longer bear the burden or responsibility. This is not an easy task to learn but there is freedom as you do. It can take awhile to really understand the true meaning of detachment.

It's a very sad, difficult disease. I'm sorry you too are met with this. You are not alone, everyone here understands your feelings completely.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with A Stronger me. Are you able to order online? Amazon has many used books so cheap.

Getting them Sober by toby Rice Drew volume one is a Great place to start. I will answer a ton of questions for you.

Its easy to read too, not real deep or technical. Feels like this person is talking to you.

You are right, their drinking or using is their own business. Yes it does gets worse over time. We call it a progressive disease. All the while they drink, their body is being damaged on the inside. If it continues, their life will be cut short. But again we have to allow them the dignity to take care of it themselves. Not our business.

What is our business is to take care of us. Make sure we don't focus on them, their disease and support ourselves.

They do not choose to have this disease, it is in their dna. He is ashamed, that is what makes them hide it, and for some, they don't want to hear anything from anyone else.My husband is the worst A I have ever seen, but I never saw him drink or use dope once. He always hid it.

You can research addiction online too, that helped me a lot. I understood more and more that it is a disease.

Sometimes all we can do is love them, and hope for some good time with them. They usually after awhile just cannot engage in a marriage or family as we wish. Plus we have to learn to protect our homes, finances, cars. Not sign for anything with them. When I say I lost it all, I really did.

Many of us have. I am so glad you found us, and I can promise you if you stay, share, think over what you learn, your life will be so much better. Al Anon skills help us to make some very difficult decisions too because we understand what we are facing.

Lotsa hugs coming your way! Debilyn

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

Pretty tough stuff. Whatever you choose, leave, stay or think about it al anon can help. The thing is nothing happens overnight. First thing I would recomend highly is to get the book Getting them Sober. Toby Rice Drew also has a web site. Second thing I would recommend is to stop looking for the bottles. I know just how hard that one is. Thirdly why not give al anon a try. There are meetings here twice a day. There are lots of meetings all over the place, finding the right one can be very very difficult. Fourthly why not read some literature on codependence and al anon all of these things can help. No one here is going to tell you what to do, judge you or label you in any way. That is such a big deal when you are surrounded by people who have the instant solution for you. If you stay or if you leave having tools to deal with what you have in front of you is important. Why not learn about them?

Hope you are going to stick around for a while.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Umutlu and welcome to the board...you've already received some very powerful ESH (Experience Strength and Hope) from the Al-Anon and MIP family members. I've been around for a while and because it is exactly what I got when I first got into recovery...for myself...I read it both with gratitude and with hope for you also. You are not alone within the disease of alcoholism...not by a long shot. I relate to your description of your spouse...the "he is...but" and when I was there I was taught to think this way, "she is...and" She is a beautiful woman and a good wife. She is a funny person and hard worker and a child of God...AND...she is alcoholic. I have rarely if ever used "an alcoholic" because alcoholism as I understand it is a disease and not a person. My spouse was sick...almost terminally. I don't know if she is alive still and when we parted company she was sober and we loved each other with no justification to be married. We should not have married in the first place and did.

So what might help you a bit is to see your husband as two distinct people...."Your husband" and then when he is drinking and under the influence "Your alcoholic"...Give it a thought. In support (((hugs))) smile

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

You are so not alone. Im married 14yrs yesterday with one fab eight yo child. Our anniv was yesterday....know how many nights my ah has been "out"....that would be four since last friday. Know where he is now...out at a drinking buddies since late afternoon. Im so looking fwd to his hang over tomorrow. NOT:() Guess I wiill plan to do anything to keep myself out of his space. But yet, I stay. Many of us do and it is really hard to explain why. Some,vwell most of it is bc I refuse to share my child with him...i didnt get marrried, have a baby and then think...yup, divorce next. Lots leave...lots stay. I pray. I give it to God and I try to find peace in the midst of what most would consider misery. Its not easy. Its sad. Its maddenng at times and many times im full of shame and guilt. But, im with my child every night, I have a lovely home, im comfortable and confident. Alc may take him...its true...and it does take him away ALOT as it is.....but for now, im mom, sorta wife and sorta sane!!! Maybe when my child is grown I will feel different....for now, I visit here. I pour out my fears and frusrations and I know all I have is one day, one moment at a time. Know you too arent alne. None here will tell u to stay or leave...we listen, we too vent and we pray for strength and courage and grace.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.