"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

hdftby100 · Senior Member

Crushed this morning, barely holding it together.

Auntyaya · Senior Member

Just breath..you can and will get through this. I amso glad you are going to a meeting..it will be a big help to you. The heartache is so, so difficult....the sense of betrayal..all of it. AlAnon will help you focus on you, because you will learn through this journey that there is nothing you can do about her behavior...The thing that helped me alot was the 3 C's..you didn't cause, you can't control it and you can't cure it...that's all up to her....Hang in there....

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

hdftby,

Boundaries are different for each of us. I've been a recovering alcoholic for a good while now too. I can't tell you if confronting her is the right or wrong thing to do. I can tell you that most folks in alanon are of the mindset that checking up, counting bottles, monitoring her drinking, is futile because it won't make her stop.

If it's something you can't stand and a boundary of yours has been crossed, I don't think it's wrong to state it. Don't expect that saying "I saw those bottles" is going to stop her drinking. You are powerless over that. You can discuss your boundaries and what lying does to your trust level, but that's not gonna make her stop. Expressing that will be for you.

I can tell you from my own experience, that you will know it when she is committed to recovery. Saying "I will cut back" or "I haven't been drinking" are all lies 99 percent of the time. Recovery is evident when a person is going to meetings, calling their sponsor, and working the steps.

I'm telling you this because you can give up being the "counter" and "monitor" of her drinking. Just assume it's probably going on and don't hinge your serenity on it. She drank. That is what alcoholics not in recovery do. This doesn't have to bring your whole world crashing down. You are going to be fine if you trust your higher power to guide you through this.

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

Something you will hear in your meeting today is that you learn you can find contentment whether the A in your life is drinking or not (slightly paraphrased).

The sooner you can quit counting bottles and following up on how much your wife is drinking, and learn to let it go, the faster you will be able to find your own serenity.

The Serenity Prayer, "God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

You can change you, you are powerless over your wife's drinking.

I live with an active A, it's not sunshine and roses all the time but I truly have found contentment. I'm a work in progress, I don't have it perfect but it's a lot better then it used to be.

Icie · Senior Member

I am so glad to hear that you are going to your first Al Anon meeting today. Go to as many meeting as you can.....Like they say in AA 90 meetings in 90 days. I say the same thing in Al anon, go to as many meetings as you can get too ...in the beginning I went to at least 3 or 4 meetings a week & talked to other members after the meetings & got myself a sponsor.
PinkChip gave you some really good info
Sending support

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

here's the crazy merry go round...you confront her...she denies...or tells you you're a prick..etc etc...puts it on you...you are trying to control...you don't understand...its all your fault she drinks...

it's a pattern we have all walked at some time...to no avail...

you are right...but don't try to rationalize with someone who is addicted....no matter how RIGHT you are about her addiction...it won't help her to "see the light" by confronting it...in fact it will just stress YOU out trying to convince her....

It's sucky. Not a darned thing you can do about her drinking...

but you can come here...and you can take care of yourself...with a little support from peeps in al-anon..learn how to live alongside this awful disease.

hang in there

in support

RP

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so sorry. Here's the thing that I learned after many painful lessons: Alcoholics drink. It's what they do. We can't expect them to act differently. The only way they will ever act differently if in their own time and from their own decisions they decide to enter a program of recovery and stick with it. Otherwise, cutting down, agreeing not to drink, declaring they're not drinking -- none of these things have any real effect. Because they're alcoholics. That doesn't make the drinking less harmful, but it makes it less of a surprise.

Al-Anon has a saying: She's going to drink or not drink, what are you going to do? I hope you'll take good care of yourself.

hdftby100 · Senior Member

This is my thought on what to do today:

I am not going to pretend to be happy around her when clearly right now I am not. She will ask what is wrong. I plan on telling her that I saw the bottles in the trash can. I was upset all day. I don't know how long I can take this and stay here in the house. I am not going to check behind her. I do not believe the excuse "that was old" or "that was from before I just never threw it out" because I simply do not believe that.

I am not sure what my future may hold. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would ever leave and divorce. We have been married for 16 years and been through a lot together, good and bad. Any advice on how to handle this tonight when she comes home?

Honeybee52000 · Member

Hi there. First things first, GET TO A MEETING! See some of us, face-to-face. With time, sponsorship, and work in the Al-Anon program, you WILL find answers and resolutions that fit you and your situation(s).

As for the marriage/ divorce part... I suggest 30 days of meetings, grab a sponsor as soon as you can (maybe this week?), and re visit the idea later. After 16 years, what's another 30 days? Can you fake it for that long? We say in program "fake it til you make it", that works for many many of my situations!

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Bless your heart. I know how scary that feels. My husband had never hidden his drinking and had been sober (made a decision not to drink after I finally realized he was an alcoholic and asked if he were going to continue to drink, because I needed to plan my life) for 10 years and then one day I found five bottles of beer wrapped in newspaper and stashed in a drawer in the shop.
I called AlAnon--had never gone because I thought we were okay--he wasn't drinking. Duh.
The woman who answered said, "It's not your fault and things will get better." And I held onto that until the next meeting of the no-smoking group. And I asked him. They'd been in there awhile. And I think he had decided maybe he wasn't an alcoholic after all.
So my therapist had me leave him and I wouldn't come back until husband agreed to come and see him. He took the test and thought piece of cake because he wasn't drinking. He failed. So then he agreed to go to AA. And he did for about 6 months. His group didn't know what to do with him because he walked in 10 years sober, and he'd sit there worrying about what he was going to say when it was his turn. He went to a non-smoking meeting for my sake, and had no choice on his home group. One good thing--he has never since denied that he is an alcoholic. And he still doesn't drink. He still gets on dry drunks and acts like he's insane from time to time.
Said all of that to say this--I know it can just feel like the end of the world when you find hidden bottles. And sometimes it's just your wake-up call that things aren't ever going to change and you have to take charge of your own life. And sometimes it can be the beginning of things getting better--or appearing so.
Wishing you the best. I don't know what your answer is. I know that you can find it with grace from the source and courage on your part.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Finding the bottles can be seen as a blessing in that out of your desperation to feel better you have reached for help. She will do what she does (pigeons do what pigeons do) but your health and happiness are not dependent on what she does..but you can only KNOW that after you have EXPERIENCED the healing that WILL occur if you continue to work the program/12 steps of Al Anon. In my own experience, when I start to feel kind of cocky about my recovery, something will happen that brings me to my knees so I get my behind to a meeting, call my sponsor, read my literature, pray, meditate, read through these postings..whatever it takes. This is just how it is

much love to you and your loved one...you are both suffering

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Tough situation, and I remember it well.... My wise old sponsor would say to me, somewhat tongue-in-cheek "well done Tom, you have caught your alcoholic...... drinking. Time to call the local newspapers"

The best news I read in your post today was that you are getting out to an Al-Anon meeting today. THat is by far, the best and most appropriate course of action....

I say this with empathy (been there, done that), but you are currently enmeshed in your wife's disease, and are trying to control/sponsor/fix her.

The Three C's remind us that we have NO such control over the A, or her drinking..... Her recovery is just that - hers.

She will either drink (or disappoint, or hide wine bottles, etc) or she won't... what are YOU gonna do?

Choosing recovery for yourself, is the best answer. Going to meetings, posting here, reading literature, etc.... Your path will become more clear for you, as you get yourself healthy

Keep coming back

Tom

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I can tell you, if you work the program, we can get to a place of them drinking or using or not does not matter. We know they have a disease, it is not personal, they are going to use or not use. We accept the whole person. When we cannot, or if we get where we cannot, we know we gave it our all and end it.

When we accept them as is, we stop making their behavior our own. Of course she drinks she is A. Lieing, manipulation, selfishness, and more are all part of being an A. Many HONESTLY believe their own lies. They can be stumbling drunk, have the bottle in their hand and say I have not drank and believe it.

When we learn all these things. we can come to a place of serenity. We look at them differently.

Your confronting her is getting into her business, her life. her actions like this are not personal. We have to retrain our minds about how to live with a spouse who is an A. or anyone else.

love,debilyn who relates to the being crushed.....hurts

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

Not confronting is difficult I agree. I did that a couple of times then the 3rd relapse I didn't ask or look. I just told him to honor my boundary - he had to go. Not allowed around me if he drinks. Also had no contact for awhile (outside of giving his stuff to a friend, and one pick up of a couple boxes of his things) - like 3-4 weeks.

But this was an exBF, not spouse so it's not as clear. I do know that telling her you know - as others have told me - is a waste of air. She is working to convince you of a lie she needs you to believe so she can keep doing it. The ironic thing is, even if you know it won't stop her. And the truth is, deep down they know you know. As my ex discussed with me one time "we know we act different, we know you might smell it or see our odd manners, but we lie anyway in hopes that you'll ignore that and believe us. But we know you know".

That took me awhile to get, but I do now. It's just a side show they put on to distract us and them but the main attraction is still sitting right there in front of us.

Learning to detach, to recognize her alcoholism is hers and that you cannot be involved in it, in any fashion is so hard because we think we can help, we think it's the right thing to do to help but really - we make it worse usually. And on a deeper level we only want to help because we can't stand our own pain - that comes from taking on the disease ourselves instead of detaching from it.

Meeting and sponsor time - that will get you through this.

slogan_jim · Senior Member

If I'm ever at work and feel the need to cry, I just sneak off into the washroom, lock the staal and dip my head into my hands for whatever amount of time it takes. Dont breath to heavily so noone hears obviously and splash water into your face afterward. You'll feel a giant weight lifted.

bryteyes · Member

Ive been through this so many times. All its going to do is cause an argument. It will make her feel bad and guilty then she will drink more either way. I used to put the bottles somewhere my bf could see them( for him it was a 5th of vodka) then that way she might beable to process thoughts. I would also write a letter and ask if she would like to talk and give her support.

wp · ~*Service Worker*~

hdtf.....thank you for posting. when you share here, you are helping not only yourself but those of us who read it. you got many excellent responses, so thank you hd, and ty alanon.
wp

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"