The material presented
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Now is the time to stand up for yourself and set some boundaries for your relationhip , verbal abuse sober or drinking is totally unexceptable. If your like me we have allowed this in the past so the alcoholic is only doing what works for him .. I asked my husb to stop talking to me that way or i was going to leave the room , he didnt stop so I left the room , it was safe for me to do that as physical violence was not a problem in my home.. it took only a few weeks for him to realize that I was serious and the abuse stopped . I hope you are attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself you need support , remember that you are not powerful enough to make anyone drink , If he chooses to drink again it will be a choice he makes not because you stand up for yourself. This is just my opinion but for me the best way to support his sobriety was to have a program of my own , leaving him to AA and letting Al-Anon take care of me . Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Wednesday 17th of October 2012 01:34:41 PM
I too refuse to cooperate with verbal abuse. My ExH does this and over the past almost 6 years I've "taught" him he gets zero response to his ridiculous rants and abusive attacks. I have actually stared at him blank faced during a "custody swap" while he went off on me and then just drove off leaving him there...
Usually he does it by phone, email or text. I do not respond and if by phone I hang up. I don't even tell him to stop anymore, he knows, hes not stupid.
I am a former Alternatives To Violence mens case manager and always love to see and chuckled when one of the spouses pulled a TRO (temporary restraining order) out against a "bad mouth, junk talking spouse, relative or friend who tried to over power her with verbal abuse) Verbal (or any other kind of) abuse is one faction of fear. If he wasn't afraid he'd have no reason to use it. If your alcoholic is in AA you can ask him to pull his crap out on his sponsor if he has a sponsor and you're not it. If you know who his sponsor is, ask his sponsor for feedback also.
Keep coming back here to family. You are not alone and there is tons of ESH here for you for free.
. I quickly say no and I tend to sit infront of the door till he calms down. He hates it and calls me a warden. What should I do? With his verbal abuse
Helloe byteyes
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. I am so sorrry that you are dealing with this dreadful disease. I too tried to control my newly sober husband by going to any lengths to keep him from drinking. It did not work and did succeed in causing get chaos and anger in our home, Both of us were off the wall
When i found alanon I was willing to listen and try any suggestion that might help me heal and regain my sanity and peace.
The first message I received was that I was powerless over alcohol and the alcoholic. Any effort I made to change anyone or stop their behavior was doomed to failure. You see alcoholism is a disease that we did not cause, cannot control and cannot cure. We who live with the disease become infected by it and need a program of recovery for ourselves--regardless if the alcoholic is seeking help or not.
I copied a small quote from your post to indicate that I too tried to "Help" the alcoholic stop as you have done. It does not work.Please search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. Here you will be given successful tools that will enable you to live one day at a time, focused on YOURSELF regardless of the behavior of the alcoholic.
Please keep coming back here and sharing You are not alone.
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 18th of October 2012 05:46:33 PM
Ty for responding. He is 22 days sober and doing great. Hes not in AA. Ive put myself in a position like im his sponser. Through our relationship ive become controlling, scared, and physically abusive towards him. When we have arguments he wants to go on walks which has been a huge problem before. I quickly say no and I tend to sit infront of the door till he calms down. He hates it and calls me a warden. What should I do? With his verbal abuse I have ignored him plenty but some days I just cant. I dont understand why he has to be so mean and why he cant understand how he hurts me.
From my experience, there is little logic in the mind of an active addict. He doesn't have to be mean- it is his choice, made from an unhealthy mind. Take some positive steps to take care of yourself- attend Al-anon meetings and give the program a chance... it does work.
I can relate and I used to try to control my A's and their behaviors. I hope you can get to some Al-anon meetings and keep coming back. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews is a great book for early recovery and so is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I am sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Ty for responding. He is 22 days sober and doing great. Hes not in AA. Ive put myself in a position like im his sponser. Through our relationship ive become controlling, scared, and physically abusive towards him. When we have arguments he wants to go on walks which has been a huge problem before. I quickly say no and I tend to sit infront of the door till he calms down. He hates it and calls me a warden. What should I do? With his verbal abuse I have ignored him plenty but some days I just cant. I dont understand why he has to be so mean and why he cant understand how he hurts me.
That is scary!! If you were he how would you think, feel and act about it? You're getting the opposite of what it is that you'd like to get. What should you do? Sell the jail!! Is he verbally abusive as a reaction to how he's being treated? could be? He's 22 days dry...verbally abusive means he lacks sobriety. Maybe he would fly to AA if you got out of his way and opened the door for him to go and try out not drinking. Please call the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area and run to the face to face meetings as fast as you can. What you are doing isn't helping you at all and as a recovering alcoholic myself?...Saying no to me just made me do it better. STOP!!
Ty for responding. He is 22 days sober and doing great. Hes not in AA. Ive put myself in a position like im his sponser. Through our relationship ive become controlling, scared, and physically abusive towards him. When we have arguments he wants to go on walks which has been a huge problem before. I quickly say no and I tend to sit infront of the door till he calms down. He hates it and calls me a warden. What should I do? With his verbal abuse I have ignored him plenty but some days I just cant. I dont understand why he has to be so mean and why he cant understand how he hurts me.
Bryteyes...I'm stumped on the 22 days sober and doing great and he's not getting help from anyone who knows how to do it while you are sitting like a warden in front of the door so that he can't get out and get anywhere at all. What should you do?...sell the jail...take the door of it's hinges...put the chair somewhere you can't find it and head for the face to face Al-Anon meetings in your area as fast as you can. He's pissed at you!! If you were in his shoes going thru what he is going thru...how would you handle it? In the program we speak of the three fingers points back at our self while we point that one finger out at the alcoholic, blaming, shaming, judging and condeming. Part of my entry into the program was coming to understand how sick I got and not focusing on how sick my alcoholic/addict wife was. Alcoholism is a family disease and we all need recovery. What you're doing isn't working...get to the face to face meeting rooms and find our what we have learned works...whether they continue to drink or not.
You are not his sponsor...sponsors know how it works...they don't park themselves on chairs in front of their sponsees denying their sponsees the ability and facility to find out what works and doesn't. My sponsees get to bump into every wall and pole and thorn bush they decided to. They also get to learn how to avoid all of that stuff too.
Let go and Let God...brteyes. for your own happiness, sanity and serenity. (((hugs)))
and did succeed in causing get chaos and anger in our home, Both of us were off the wall 
Please search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. Here you will be given successful tools that will enable you to live one day at a time, focused on YOURSELF regardless of the behavior of the alcoholic.