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I have been living with a functioning alcoholic for nearly a year now. I didn't realise at first that he was an alcoholic. Surprisingly. I've never existed near anyone who drank heavily or frequently. When we first got together it was a case of 8 pints a night, same on a Saturday and Sunday afternoon in addition to the evenings. After a couple of months I realised there was a problem..naively. One evening after verbal abuse I challenged him that he had a problem and then the truth came out. Since then I've supported him in down times and he has actually reduced his alcohol intake to half of what it was. What I am finding really really hard to deal with is the verbal and mental abuse I get after a drinking session if he happens to have been feeling stressed in the day. I've been in two previous abusive relationships, the abuse isn't there when he is sober. At first I used to react but now I keep quiet and take it and walk away ( if i walk away i REALLY get yelled at)but it is all taking its toll on me. I'm feeling very low and tearful all the time and dread the evenings. We don't do anything on the weekends unless its taking into account the 'drinking' times. No one else knows he has this problem. He doesn't smell of alcohol in the mornings and works full time. The abuse is getting worse and more upsetting for me to deal with. I love the man but hate the bottles. I can't get out to al anon meetings. I'm at a point of wondering if I should walk away but when I think about it my heart breaks. Will this get worse? Will I be able to deal with it? How do others cope? Advice would be greatly appreciated.
In all honesty, he doesn't sound very "functioning" at all - certainly not to you.... His reality is his reality..... alcoholics cannot "control" their drinking by consuming less - it doesn't work that way.... he will find that out, in his time, in his recovery...
You say you cannot get out to Al-Anon meetings, which is a shame.... They are your lifeline, and your assistance to getting your life back. Online boards like this can help, as can some of the great literature out there (Getting Them Sober, volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews) - but nothing really takes the place of face-to-face meetings....
Keep coming back
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Only you can make the decision for yourself that you are ready to walk away or continue to put up with the abuse. It will not "magically" get better. There will be good days and bad days. As time goes on, most likely the bad days will increase and the good days will not. One thing I just picked up this week which I thought was a great idea is this. If you decide that this weekend you want to make some plans, simply mention it to him and tell him that you want to do this with him being sober. Fast forward to the weekend, if he is not, don't confront him about HIS problem, simply say "I do not feel comfortable doing this since you have been drinking." But keep in mind that this is only one day. That will not make the drinking go away. You just need to determine what you can tolerate and live with for you. I agree with canadianguy that doesn't sound much like a "functioning" after all. The problem isn't per se the alcohol consumption itself as it is his actions/behaivors. Keep coming back and try to make a meeting. I recently told my wife I was going and that this was for me, not her. It was not about her problem, it was about me.
Aloha Cherubhmm and welcome to the board. Now you really have people in your life that care about you and love you unconditionally and will give you their Experience Strength and Hope. From my experience..."There is no such thing as a functional alcoholic" often to understand that all a person has to do is look at the spouses, friends, family and associates. When the spouses talk about verbal, emotional, physical and spiritual abuse "functional" goes out of the share. I apologize for the abuse. It is wrong to do that. I use to do that myself and always apologize for it now.
He is not even close to sober. Check into the Al-Anon WSO site/literature and see what is available to you to explain alcoholism to you. Sober isn't even not drinking...sober occurs on all levels, mind, body, spirit and emotions. Sober alcoholics do not abuse anyone...we learn to stop and do the right thing in recovery. That you are permitting it and being available for his abuse is what we come to learn in our recovery. He cannot abuse you without your permission and participation and he will not when he learns that there are negative real consequences to earn when he does. This will take change on your part in the thinking, believing, feelings and behavior levels of your own life. The disease is helping him to violate real value systems which he normally won't do if he isn't under the influence.
There are online meetings at MIP twice daily. You'll need to log on to the chat room and jump thru some required hoops (installing Java and mIRC) and then abit of practice. I'd suggest you use it along with calling the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area which is in the white pages of your local telephone book. There maybe a recording or you might get the blessing of a real voice to talk to. The real voice may have real life experience about what you're going thru also. Keep coming back here also. We are and will be in support. (((((hugs)))))
He labels himself as a 'functional alcoholic'. He attended three AA meetings last year and says that's what he was told he is. I've been researching a little on it, but as I said I know very little about the illness. I recognise it as that. He stopped going to the meetings because after going alcohol free for a few weeks he went bak and was 'overlooked in the praise' department ..his words. He is verbally mentally and emotionally abusive only after drinking and it isn't always every time. I know if he is going to be like it as he gets edgy and starts looking for an argument. I don't argue back, keep my mouth shut and walk away. The walking away seems to be a big issue with him. He wakes up the next day, sometimes subdued, sometimes apologetic but mostly like nothing's happened. I'm left with the hurt. I'm worried about tomorrow evening as he has run out of money to buy his daily dose after work. I can see he is panicking and stressed over it. I'm unable to help..but then should I if I were able?
Daisy...when I got it right my response was "no" to supplying alcohol and drugs to the alcoholic/addict wife and thereafter to all folks I knew had a problem with alcohol and drugs...Now that I know even more I don't do alcohol to anyone and I don't give money to the addicted. Someone somewhere at some meeting mentioned the word "intoxification or intoxicated" and I went and looked up the words which referred to poisoning or being poisoned...my whole perspective changed. Keep coming back (((hugs)))
A person that doesn't want to quit drinking will go to AA (or pretend to even ) and come back and tell you whatever they want you to believe. Nobody praised him and called him functional for his drinking. I can promise you that. I've never been at a meeting in which they recognized or validated the BS term "functional alcoholic." Generally, everyone in AA sees alcohol as being an allergy for us alcoholics and that we have an obsession to drink it. I can't speak for everyone, but in hundreds of meetings, every time someone brings up being "functional" in their alcoholism, they are usually brought back down to earth because that's denial. There's nothing functional about being dependent on toxins and continuing to do it despite damage to relationships and one's body at the least and eventually damage to one's spirit, employment, and sanity.
Saying "I am a functional alcoholic" is basically a defense that a person uses to say they are better than AA and not as bad as the other people there. I had a job too, my own car, a relationship. Alcoholics are not all hobos living under bridges. I was a garden variety drunk and more than likely, so is your husband.
So...in alanon, your task is what are you going to do knowing this?
-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 18th of October 2012 07:40:54 AM
I don't know what to do..I'm really stressed today because I know there is no alcohol for when he comes home. He says he cannot sleep without alcohol. Guess its going to be a difficult evening.
Regarding the term.. Functional..his word. He explained it meant that he can carry on in his day to day life but that no one knows he has a problem..which is correct in that definition..however, internally he is clock watching for the time when he can start drinking, as soon as he gets thru the door, and for the taste of the alcohol.
I hate the fact that alcohol is so so cheap here and unfortunately he has a 5 minute walk to get another fix.
I don't know what to do honestly. I want to help..but he hasn't reached rock bottom and I understand he has to want to help himself.
I did ring Al anon and spoke to a real voice. The real voice just confirmed my concerns and said basically "there there..that's how they behave" and referred me to the publications on offer. I was invited to the meetings but I cannot get there.
(((cherubhmm))) You wrote ¨he can carry on in his day to day life but that no one knows he has a problem..¨ That may be true for now. But alcoholism is a progressive disease. Unless he seeks and embraces recovery it will get worse. Should you walk away? Will you be able to deal with it? No one can answer these questions except you. But I would like to share with you that you didn't cause it, (his alcoholism) you can't control it, you can't cure it. My suggestion is to educate yourself as much as possible on the disease of alcoholism. If you can't get to real life alanon meetings, there are online meetings here twice a day. Keep coming here, reading and posting. There is much to be learned, along with much comfort and support.
I have been living with a functioning alcoholic for nearly a year now. I didn't realise at first that he was an alcoholic. Surprisingly. I've never existed near anyone who drank heavily or frequently. When we first got together it was a case of 8 pints a night, same on a Saturday and Sunday afternoon in addition to the evenings. After a couple of months I realised there was a problem..naively. One evening after verbal abuse I challenged him that he had a problem and then the truth came out. Since then I've supported him in down times and he has actually reduced his alcohol intake to half of what it was. What I am finding really really hard to deal with is the verbal and mental abuse I get after a drinking session if he happens to have been feeling stressed in the day. I've been in two previous abusive relationships, the abuse isn't there when he is sober. At first I used to react but now I keep quiet and take it and walk away ( if i walk away i REALLY get yelled at)but it is all taking its toll on me. I'm feeling very low and tearful all the time and dread the evenings. We don't do anything on the weekends unless its taking into account the 'drinking' times. No one else knows he has this problem. He doesn't smell of alcohol in the mornings and works full time. The abuse is getting worse and more upsetting for me to deal with. I love the man but hate the bottles. I can't get out to al anon meetings. I'm at a point of wondering if I should walk away but when I think about it my heart breaks. Will this get worse? Will I be able to deal with it? How do others cope? Advice would be greatly appreciated.
