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I am so torn. This weekend was so emotionally confusing and draining. With my soon to be ex (yes, I have made up my mind) being so nasty ans saying such hurtful things, I wonder if I am making a mole hill out of a mountain or the other way around???
He wants to see his daughter this weekend. I want my daughter to be able to see her father. I agreed to allow her to go see him. I am wrestling with this decision now. While I know he hurt me, will he hurt her emotionally too? Is he stable enough in his mind to be a healthy person for her to be around? He was all over the board this weekend, saying so many different things, I have no idea what to believe or not believe.
He wrote in one text that he needed to stay on my health insurance so he could see someone and get his head right. He wrote that... He says he is not actively using. I dont know if I believe him or not, but it doesnt really matter. I dont see any positive progress happening. He said in one of his text that my daughter will soon find out what a bad person I am. I am torn as I dont know if he is just saying that to hurt me emotionally, or if he really would put our daughter in the middle of our relationship issues. I have never once said a bad word about her father in front of her. I tell her everyday how much her daddy loves her and misses her, but that mommy and daddy dont get along, so we cannot live together.
There are two constant thoughts in my head. On one side I think he would never do anything to hurt her, because he loves her so much. The other side thinks that he wouldnt even realize he was hurting her because he is sick??
I am afraid to set the boundary for them not to see each other....I dont want to future trip, I want to stay in the moment... I want to Let Go and Let God... I am just not sure how to do that?
I am so confused and I just want what is healthy for my daughter. I grew up without my father (who is an A) and I wished that I felt the love that she feels from her daddy...I dont want to take that from her...but on the other hand, if he is not mentally stable enough to take care of her the way she deserves, then maybe it is better to give him his space to get his head right?
He says I am making such a big deal out of nothing when I say he is not allowed at my house, even to just pick up or drop off our daughter...I just dont feel safe around him, even though he has never physically abused us...I just dont feel safe. In his eyes I am making a mountain out of a molehill, to my friends/family who know him, they think I am making a molehill out of a mountain???
Any ESH would be greatly appreciated.
hugs to you all
dragonflys
-- Edited by dragonflys on Tuesday 16th of October 2012 09:06:44 PM
I don't know how old your daughter is -- that would make a difference in what the situation is.
The trouble with A's is that they may have the very best intentions, but their decisions and thoughts are distorted. So we can't count on them not to drive drunk, for instance, which means that we can't let our children ride with them.
As for emotional harm, I think anyone who's under the spell of alcohol can't really be emotionally healthy. But unless they're really out of their minds -- rageful or violent or passed out or just plain weird and unhealthy -- I think it's better to let kids have contact with their alcoholic parent. For one thing, not seeing them means that the kids build up a weird picture of the missing parent in their mind. We know what that parent is like, but our kids don't. They may romanticize them or glamorize them or demonize them. It's better, I think, for them to see that their parent is just a regular old person. A person struggling with some problems, even. But the way I see it, that contact should be rather limited, because an alcoholic doesn't have the wherewithal to look after a kid very well, even apart from issues with driving etc.
This is the kind of thing where meetings might be really helpful. Alcoholics come in all different kinds and it's helpful to get a sense of how other people do the co-parenting thing with the different situations.
Maybe a prearranged meeting somewhere public like a fast food place. You could settle on how long the visit would be between dad and daughter - maybe an hour or so. You would be there but at another table and be the driver of your daughter to and from the meeting with her father. TT
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