The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
im still haveing issues with saying no to my ab/f,when it comes to him wanting to stay all nite with me when i really dont want him to,saying no to him when he wants sex when ive changed my way of thinking of all of it that his world isnt my world mine has changed alot that i dont want to do nothing thats gonna go against what my hp would want me to do and i know my ab/f isnt about h/p its all about what pleases him so he wants me in his world,,my a/b/f i think is playing mind games with all the time telling me he has almost quit drinking and dont take no pills anymore but this is my theiry on that then why has he gotta keep buying suboxone off the streets ?i know its to keep him off opiates but????what is he telling me what i want to hear that he is or whenever he wants he can be a walking miracle and quit it all when in truth he hasnt but wants me to believe him sooooo bad that he even argues the point,and im like hey that has nothing to do with me thats yur problem not mine so why r u argueing it to me my beleifs are mine.so can anybody here tell me the truth of it ????what am i to think about it?is he really getting straght and can he stay straght etc etc.??need some more esh here plz thanks to all of you for sticking with me through all this b/s while ive been running down this bumpy road with my a b/f yall have been a truely great support to me they are hard to deal with and can and will make us beleive anything,...need some more esh on the subject of my ab/f .hugs chinup
My opinion, he is not quiting or slowing down. He is just better at hiding and lying about it. Especially when it comes to drugs once addicted he will need a program to quit and its either all or nothing. The fact that he even uses the word "almost" speaks VOLUMES! Keep coming back and try to go to a meeting.
Also, chinup, you know him better than us and you don't trust him. I'd follow your gut. You don't need us telling you what or how to think now. You seem to have a sound interpretation.
With regard to saying "no" That takes practice. It's out of your comfort zone, but it's okay. You've done it before when you had him move out etc... Of course he will rebel, whine, lie, and all the stuff that addicts do when they dont' get their way....That is why firm boundaries are important.
Your doing great, one step at a time , easy does it. YES it is hard to say no , when we are first new at it. it takes practise & lots of Al Anon meetings. The Alcoholic is master at conning, lying, manipulation, all those things to try & make you feel bad, for doing whats best for you, don't let him, you continue to do whats best for you, put the focus back on you. Sending support with hugs & love Keep coming back
__________________
Icie
"Holding a grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die..."
Glad that you shared and are looking for progam suggestions. Your BF will continue to do what he is doing and you are powerless over his actions. Please continue to keep the focus on your needs and your feelings. Share here often and live one day at a time.
Thanks for sharing ((((chinup)))), I often feel the same nowadays with my ABF. and it makes my head turn and all is spinning, because I try to please both of us. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE...because I will never get it what makes him happy, or even satisfied, alcoholic behavior in a dry state...still far from 'healed' , as he calls it..anyway, HIS business, HIS issues, not mine. And I have to say NO sometimes, many times, also have to learn to stick more firmly to MY boundaries. It is definitely out of 'comfort zone' as pinkchip puts it...but I came to believe it is the only way I can make one of us happy, ME...because I also noticed, if I don't say NO, where I actually wanted to, frustration sneaks in, and I get back to him in some other way, probably some passive revenge...so no good also, that's not the person I want to be. If I want to love him as ME, I have to be ME, stick to ME...and take the risk that he might not love the real ME....that's when we will be put on a crossroad....or addiction and always HIS ways, with me following but unnoticed, invisible and honestly not interesting....or me being seen, respected for my own values, but having to deal with our respective personality, being given an opportunity to grow through sharing, compromising sometimes, and being able to learn new ways, both of us. If I'm honest, I prefer the latter...there are more possibilities. trying hard to keep the focus on ME, MY needs and MY feelings..until it becomes a new habit.... Keep coming back, in support
Aloha Chinup...I loved the post and the responses and felt that I could only respond with how I learned how to "walk" the saying no lesson. I got quiet time and sat with a note book and wrote out as many ways of saying no as I could from the hard "NO!!" to the "Thanks but NO thanks" and the "No way"s and the "I'm really not interested in that" and the "I've got other plans" (without explanation) and even the "You go a head, I'll find something else to do". The alternatives are endless and in them there are dozens of ways to say NO and feel unafraid of doing it and good about myself."
