Questions my thought process - Al-Anon Family Group

hdftby100 · Senior Member

Questions my thought process

TrudyS85 · Senior Member

I think the fact that you are watching and questioning tells me that, in your gut, you feel she has an issue with drinking. It isn't always about them getting rip roaring drunk, what you describe sounds like a lot of alcohol to me, but everyone's limits of what is a lot varies. You are feeling uneasy for a reason, I too convinced myself for years it was more in my head than it was a real problem. How wrong I was as it only got worse and worse. That said, for me my AH would treat me horribly when he drank, he lied, was verbally abusive/aggresive, etc etc so again I think it varies from person to person what constitutes a 'problem'. Sounds like you are struggling with this and there must be a reason for that. Find a face to face Alanon meeting, it might help you to talk to others in person about what you are observing and feeling. We are all here to support you, keep the faith. TS

Icie · Senior Member

I personal think your wife has a problem if she is drinking that much, sure its not as bad as others yet , but it is a progressive disease. Go to some Face to Face Al anon meetings, try at least 6 meetings & try different groups until you find one that you feel comfortable at.
Send understanding & support
Keep coming back

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

It really dosent matter how much or how often our partners drink , what matters is how it affects us when they do . I am sure you have better things to do than sit and watch how much she drinks , counting bottles changes nothing .. I am assuming your not attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself , I hope in the future you will consider doing so for both your sakes . You ask should you just let her continue to drink > its ok to share your concern about her drinking but then let it go , you cannot stop her from drinking if she chooses to continue . Her drinking has nothing to do with you , your not the reason she drinks , she drinks period . please find meetings you need support from people who have been where your at . Louise

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I can sure identify with wanting to know, "Is this really a problem?" My ex-AH's drinking habits weren't typical of alcoholics, and it was very confusing to me. Of course he emphatically denied it, so I was left thinking, "Am I just paranoid?" Flash forward and it turns out that I hardly knew the half of it.

About your wife, I guess some people could drink more than a bottle of wine a day and just be heavy drinkers. But I'd be very surprised if it didn't lead to further problems. The fact that she doesn't get noticeably drunk just means that her alcohol intake has been high enough over time that she takes more to get drunk. That's not necessarily a good sign.

However, it's clear that you're worried. There is probably someone in the world who worries that their partner drinks too much, and is wrong. I haven't met that person yet. My experience is that people are generally eager to give their partner the benefit of the doubt, and that we become normalized to heavy drinking and start picking up on the red flags much later than regular people. By the time we start seriously worrying, the problem is usually pretty advanced.

My experience also is that the public drinking may well be the tip of the iceberg. By "public" I mean the drinking that you see. My ex snuck alcohol all the time. There was a lot of weekday drinking he was careful to keep hidden. He'd have a beer at a party, and then go out behind the bushes and glug a big thing of vodka, and then come back and have another beer. Anyone at the party would just think he had two beers. Then there was more hidden in the car, and in his pockets, and in the bushes...

In some ways it's a relief when you know the truth and you can stop counting and wondering if you're paranoid. "Knowledge is power." That leaves you free to start working on your own recovery -- which we all need, because alcohol pulls everyone around it into the insanity. I hope you'll keep coming back.

hdftby100 · Senior Member

Thanks for all the advice. I am going to try to get the meeting either Wednesday or Thursday of this week. I have a counselling session tomorrow (my second one) about my wife's alcohol use. Now realize that my post this morning was wishful thinking on my part. She has yet to find out I have gone to any counselling or plan to go to Al-Anon but strongly considering telling her.

abbyal,

Thanks for that advice. I think I am going to tell her I am concerned about her drinking and the specifics. I will just tell her and leave it at that. I was debating on what to do and just felt like I was sitting in silence because I did not want to harp on it and cause yet another arguement, but also was feeling like that was giving up. If I was giving up I might as well leave, and not at that point yet.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

book: Getting Them Sober, Toby Rice Drew, volume one. This will answer a ton of questions.

Addiction is a disease. She is like other A's. This disease gets worse and worse as they continue to use. If they quit for awhile and are on program, if they start again they are just where they left off. It's all a process like most disease.

We are not "letting" them do anything. We have zero control over it. In fact is it none of our business at all. We allow them the dignity to make their own choices, find their own paths.

If we choose to live with them, we either keep it as is. Or learn Al Anon skills to stay and make it as good as it can be. Or we go.

They have the right to be accepted as is just like we do. We are not their parents, probation officer, or anything else that monitors what they do. We are there becuz we love them and want to be with them.

Not fair to say well you do this and this and this and things will be ok.

She is a very sick person, but she has to get sick of it enough to stop on her own. We do nothing for them that they can do for themselves.

We learn to enjoy them just how they are. It can be done. I was there. Al Anon gave me many months with my A before I had to have him leave.

It just does not matter if she drinks or not as far as being your business. We call what you described as getting into their inventory.

We learn in Al Anon to focus on us, our needs our desires. We learn to accept them as is, and make that ok for us or not.

They do not want to be monitored any more than we do. I don't know if she is an A or not. Again does not matter. She is who she is. Addiction is in our dna. Not all have those markers, some have more than others. Some people end up able to just quit because it was more of a habit and/or they are self medicating.

Keep coming and venting. I would say most of us come on here saying he is and she is, that is very normal.And if we need to that is fine too! Sometimes we just need to get that insanity out there and not hold it in. We all know just where you are.

Mip has been my home so many years, I think Abbyal is a little older than I! haha around 10-11 years.

This group is the most caring, loving group you can find. welcome! love,debilyn

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You asked if you should "just let her drink." You are not the one to let her drink or not drink. She's grown. That's her choice. Also, you stated you have a counseling appointment about her drinking? That counseling appointment is for you....not her. Step 1: We are powerless over alchoholic and it has made our lives unmanageable.

You are powerless over her drinking. This is about you. You can let her know your concerns, but you are powerless over what she does.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.