The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
(I shared this on the other board and at my morning AA meeting and appreciate any feedback from the entire family)
That was the response from my sponsor this morning as I spoke about the 7th stop yesterday by the police which shouldn't have been a stop but was. My sponsor is a native cultural recovering person like myself and of course I was looking for feedback on my journey. If I was still drinking I'd be in jail still or dead because I am still oppositional/defiant. That characteristic with alcohol put me in several toxic shocks...I just would not quit drinking because I didn't have the desire to or thought drinking was a problem. That characteristic within a relationship with the para-military public servants has as of last November indeed put me in jail and only the intervention of my loving HP has prevented me from being shot even while being held at gun point. Saturday morning on the 7th stop the officer approached my driver's door and the first words out of his mouth was "Don't give me any attitude!!" and my reaction was oppositional. "Where the hell does THAT attitude come from first"? I responded. Damn that still pisses me off. "I just noticed where your rear plates were after you stopped" he continued "and I wanted to tell you I just saw them now." (I've got them taped to my rear window). That put me about a hundred feet off the ground...levitating...I wanted to respond with "then why the hell didn't you just turn off the lights and drive around"? but I didnt' because I saw an opportunity to use the event. I told him "my story" (I'm hating the story because it's my personal story about historical oppression of native peoples) to which in part he responded "I've heard about it...(the assault and a meeting afterwards between state representatives and representatives of my government)...and that pissed me off even more because I realize that the story follows my truck where ever I go and that includes my personal characteristic of oppositional defiant where the power and control police are involved. This young officer mentioned that he was "also Hawaiian" and his name tag said so and I used the opportunity to enlighten him a bit...didn't do really well at it because I was still stopped for the 7th time and was on my way to a community presentation on recovery. I didn't mistreat him or disrespect him and I found the inclination to have him pay for the prior 6 stops and the assault and the jail time and the vehicle damage and the personal body damage and the other mental and emotional issues (PTSD) that have been reignited in my life. He had no reason to hold me and I got the self centered feeling that maybe he was wanting to "check me out"...from what he had heard from other cops. I left and in a few blocks was at the recovery event which, of course, went very well and became healing for me and others.
This morning I took the issue to my meeting and my sponsor. The issue is that this is repititious over the course of my life...when I was drinking it was a horror story for myself and those I touched with my disease...it was insane and not like it was then because I not longer drink. I still don't roll over for power and control maniacs and that being said my sponsor listened and came up with the simplest suggestion..."Get a different truck". I had to laugh...changing anything has to bump up against my O/D disorder first and so I asked him, "Know where I can get something in a cab plus with an automatic"? He knows that included some sarcasm...they re-damaged my spine again and driving a stick sometimes is not pleasant.
I'm keeping this one...me and "MY" part in it in my HP's hands cause there is no safer or sane place to have it. I'd like to make a general apology to this young cop just in case and am suspicious that all that will do is invoke a "gottcha" from the state and county government. I shared this morning that maybe I need to stay within my pasture and on my side of the street as a solution and then could visualize it...loosing the freedom to those who have taken it from me and others. The issue is sobriety and I just feel dry. Too sad, too angry, too resentful to be sober and/or sane. Send me some positive spirit pleeeeze.
(((Jerry))), I didn't get the whole story because I don't know your full history. Just wanted to send you POSITIVE spirits from my place, and in the next week I will climb really high and send you HIGH spirits from there too, the sensation of pure happiness and open skies. So please be easy on yourself, let go what makes you angry, because anger isn't any good to our hearts, and concentrate on the simple and beautiful things around you. Some things out there touch us, some very negatively I can only agree (because we take them more personal then they were meant to be maybe?), and cannot be changed immediately... but your point of view can, so turn around and make a headstand for a view minutes, and then enjoy some nice fresh mango juice or something..what fruits are in season nowadays in Hawaii? here it's Guava...best fruit ever. please don't be angry...love something or somebody or somewhere instead...there is a lot. in support, aloha and namaste.
I think that was a very Zen response from your sponsor. I like your sponsor.
You know how much you are loved by those of us on this board.
When the incident happened, I was so upset that I wanted to smack you around for letting yourself get smacked around. So I've had to let go of a lot of that.
I can't put myself in your circumstances. All I can do is hold the thought that your body and your brain are much more important to me than principles and passions and ancient and ongoing injustices. And I would hope that you come to that place, as well.
Who was the man who knew when he was in the WWII concentration camp that he had to forgive and find value in his life if he were to survive? I would wish that spirit for you. I would wish for your wife the peace to know if you leave the house that you won't be a magnet for trouble of any kind.
DDH used to gripe and gripe because every time he drove on our street when we lived in Tulsa, he would meet another car right at the place that made it impossible for him to dodge the big pothole. The pothole had never been an issue for me--I hardly knew it was there--had never met anybody at that spot. Never did. It wasn't about the pothole.
Oh, and that brings up another story. I wish I knew it better: 1. I walk down the street--I fall into a hole. 2. I walk down the street and and try to avoid the hole but fall in anyway. 3. I walk down the street and make a wide path around the hole. 4. I walk down a different street
Don't know if this helps--if any of it helps. People with a lot of good solid Alanon recovery will give you lots to think about in that vein--will remind you of the applicable slogans, and that your Higher Power can take care of it all. And I wonder if some of this trouble with the law enforcement people is misplaced anger at your family of origin. And if it is, I don't think there is any way that you can get enough satisfaction out of them to make up for the things that happened to you as a child. I think you have to work all of that out with your sponsor and your Higher Power.
And applause, applause, for climbing down and not escalating things this time around.
Hugs, Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Ok.. Well 1st I can say that I Do understand your Anger at (Those that OVER-Step thier Power) just because they get to wear a uniform, it has been 15yrs since I Got My DWI and I have to say, I TOO when Drinking at times had this (10 foot tall & Bullet Proof) attitude! And As Luck would have it, The one that Pulled me over had to the Cockiest one on the block! I did not Take Beatings, but I did Return all that he dished out, and being 5'4" tall... I May be Little but I have TUDE! :) He was Arrogent, Cockie, "Childish", Lied!, & Bragged about arresting My Abrother Not Long Before Me! (Gotta love a Small town) and because I was STILL drinking, and I SHOULD NOT Been behind the wheel, for the longest time I HATED them ALL! ... Prob about as Much as I hated Myself at the time!
My Brief Story! My Husband & I Went out that Night, Got Ripped! He Drove us home... My Baby ABrother Calls at 2am and says his GF thru him out and he needed a Place to stay for the night, and ask if I would come get him! He at the time was 2miles from my house! So In my Drunkin Stuper, My Jammies, with MY DOG! I GO! I Get there... He Hitched down the Highway and WAS NOT THERE When I Arrived! So I turn Around Cussing him NON STOP! And Head Home! On my Way I Get Pulled over for a headlight Out! :O Which over course I had NO CLUE Was out! He ask me to do there dumb tests, which I told him (We both know this is not an Option so how about we just move forward with the process!) then he accuses me of Hiding something in my Vechile (BECAUSE) he ask if he could search my vehicle? I ask for what! He ask what I was Hiding? I Said Not a thing! BUT... You Stick your Hand in that truck & my Dog Will Indeed Let you know its HER TRUCK! I can remove her, but I Don't advise you to try it by your self (I'm Currently Handcuffed) So that brought out more of his arrogence & Ignorace and He then tells me I have to Leave my dog! so in My Jammies I get a Escort (IN THE FRONT SEAT of his Cruiser) to the station! (to which "I" Had to tell him I Could NOT Buckle Myself & Since he decided to Place me in the FRONT Seat & It was the Law! I would be Grateful if he woud do so!) So On the Way to the Station he Ask me If I Know (Abrother/Afathers name!) "I Say Which One" and he brags tell me 2wk early he busted Abrother! Which then I Said! "Well You Seem Quite Pleased with yourself?" (Smiling at him) So we Land at Station he writes up his report & wants me to sign! I said "No... You Lied! I didn't do those things & Refused them!" Again he wasn't pleased with my answers, so he trys scaring me with, "Well ... Would you like some Jail time for this! Would your Family be happy to know you are in Jail! Do you have Kids... Im Sure they would like to KNow Moms behind bars"... (MIND YOU! This is My 1st Offense in this state EVER!) BUT... Since he Knew some of My Family! He THOUGHT this would work! And well... Since the RUM was doing so well standing my Ground I Proceded to tell him! "I Am Drunk NOT Under educated & Dumb!" I Blew my Breathe Test and that was ALL I Was giving him! Long Short! I was Released to My Mom & Went home! (This Truly was Brief! I was alot Meaner thru the Finish Line, Managed to Smile thru-out ;) lol
I Sat in that ANGER For YEARS! about 11 to be exact! and I have to say, Blamed My Abrother for YEARS! Till I Came here! And there was this AMAZING Man, & Company, that Helped Me See What Good that Anger was Doing ME! My Serenity! & My Life! And Because I tend at times to be a Slow Learner! This Man & Company kept reminding Me... I Was Worth WAY More then the Anger was allowing me to be! I was Robbing myself by Giving this Cop & My Abrother My Serenity! I Gave them My POWER! And it was TIME to Take it Back! For Me to be able to Hear & Feel My HP... I NEEDED to LET IT GO! And Dear Brother! That AMAZING MAN! WAS YOU! You Never Let me Down! You Lifted Me to My Feet Time & time again until I was Able & Available to regain My Power & Serenity In MY LIFE!
And Because I Live in a Small Town Where Everyone "Thinks" they Know Everyone! I Made the Decission One Month from when I Got Pulled over! Toooooo..... SELL THE TRUCK! I Didn't want this Cop to think that he Knew me! Because He Knew... I Would NOT Back down and I wasn't Allowing him to Look for Me! Track Me, or Harass Me Everytime I Past him on the street! I was going to Make him Do His Job... Instead of Stock Me for his Own Kicks!
So When I Read what your "Sponser" said! I Got Quite a Smile on my Face! Because I too... Would have advised thee Same :)
My Brother you are a Light Like No OTher! and you have proved Time & Time again that tho you have been Kicked Down to the Ground MANY Times & Some times Physically, You still carry the Light of HOPE, PEACE & LOVE to SO Many! For your Family, Your Program, and This Board! You are Way BETTER then you are giving yourself Credit for, and I have to say! Please Be Gentle on yourself, And Know that the "Power" you do have, is to be True to YOU! Your HP, and the power to Live the Best Life you Can to Keep those 2 things Up Front! So My AMAZING Brother! Chin Up! Charge ON! & KNOW... YOU ARE LOVED!
I have to agree Jerry F you are a beacon in the night and such an inspiration for all. I love your sponsors ESH and have to agree with the wise people ahead of me, you are awesome!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I love the simplicity of the answer your sponsor gave you - your truck is a target, get a different truck! Got someone you secretly don't like that you could sell it to, offer a sweet deal even? I'm not bad, i'm just drawn that way, tee hee! Cheers!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Thank you for all that you share- as, others have said- a beacon of inspiration. A new truck would do it! Most importantly, you took good care of you by not provoking a situation that could easily escalate. It isn't always clear why people behave the way they do, but too often it has little to do with us. I hope that helps as you process the anger.
Tonight in yoga, the theme was to challenge ourselves to find a new perspective. A story about a woman, running to catch a bus, makes it. Catching her breath, she sits down next to a man. She spreads out a little bit over the vacant seat in between them; her bag of cookies opened. She reaches in to take one and eat it, and, notices that he reaches into her bag of cookies and takes one out and eats it.
She wonders what to do- to speak up? To tell this man that he is eating from her bag of cookies? Should she ignore him, hoping it stops?
She reaches for another cookie and eats it. He reaches for one and eats it, too. This continues for many cookies and it is really bringing up rage in the woman. She obsesses and the anger grows and ruins her day how this stranger, this man, ate her cookies.
When the day was over, she returned home from work to find her bag of cookies sitting on the kitchen table where she, apparently, left them earlier that day...
Sending you lots and lots of positive energy and prayers.
((((You all)))) my heart is filled with gratitude and awe at your responses and support and companionship. Yes I know the feeling of love returned and given...The warrior within has not knelt yet because he is apprehensive as to what higher power will receive his surrender. There is only one higher power I'll surrender to and the other I am refusing to withdraw from the fight with. I have turned the suggestion over to my Higher Power...Sell the Truck? and will listen and pass on the consequences to you all who support and abide with me. Sell the truck or not it is time to engage rather than enable the injustice which I have been willing and open to direction from my HP. I have not heard "turn it over and let it go, it's not important". What I have heard is "You must stand for yourself..." and then quiet. Your responses and those of my HP tell me that "I am not alone"...so here I go...time to stand up for Jerry F and turn the outcome over.
I am grateful for the humor interlaced inside of some of your responses...nothing like some loud guffawing in the middle of a spear chucking. LOL...how I love humor. Mahalo.
You Never Let me Down! You Lifted Me to My Feet Time & time again until I was Able & Available to regain My Power & Serenity In MY LIFE! 
I Didn't want this Cop to think that he Knew me! Because He Knew... I Would NOT Back down and I wasn't Allowing him to Look for Me! Track Me, or Harass Me Everytime I Past him on the street! I was going to Make him Do His Job... Instead of Stock Me for his Own Kicks! 