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Thank God for al anon, this message board and all that I have learned. If not for those things I would be in the loony bin right now. Wanted to give you an example of the mentality that I am dealing with.
As you probably remember, my AH lost his job on Wednesday. I have not spoken to him since he called me the next night to tell me that he had resigned and was going into business for himself.
We had filed for a tax extension back in April which means our taxes are due tomorrow. I called to remind him of that. He had claimed to be working on them last weekend. He got a little snippy and said that he didn't care if they were due, he didn't have time to work on them. I said that since he was unemployed he had all the time in the world to finish them today or tomorrow. He told me to get my a@# over there and do them myself since I was probably doing nothing more than sitting around painting my toenails and primping.
I also told him that we needed to trade in our 2 year old vechicle so that we wouldn't have that car payment to make anymore. We have 2 paid off cars and we can just make do with those. I had mentioned this to him a couple of weeks ago and he refused to sign the papers. I didn't push it at the time but told myself that if he lost his job, it was going to have to happen.
I told him that he needed to face the fact that he has NO money coming in and I absolutely refuse to pay any money towards the household bills if I am not living there and he is refusing to be making changes in his life. He told me that was no surprise that I had never contributed a dime towards our bills. I guess the past 26 years of part-time (and some full time) work and the raising of our kids and upkeep of our home don't count.
I would say this conversation went well, wouldn't you?
This is a man who was always a good husband (a little too jealous and controlling) but a good husband, a good father, and a good provider who was always very concerned with paying bills on time and not living beyond our means. To see how alcohol has changed him is still unbelievable to me.
Would love to hear from anyone who has had to deal with thorny issues like this with a separation or divorce when you are dealing with someone who is not in their right mind. I have faced the fact that I am going to lose some material things and my credit isn't going to be stellar anymore. I am ready for him to have to deal with the consequences of the mess he has made. I am just tying to lessen the burden on me right now and minimize the fallout but he is in la-la land.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
You are still describing "we" in all your finances. Can you legitmately devide stuff into "his, mine, and we" columns? I'm guessing you have done this. As quickly as you can it will help your serenity to totally disentangle yourself from him financially. 100 percent if possible. He may end up owing you spousal support, but he doesn't seem to be in much condition to earn that money right now.
Basically, I took a few hits to separate bills. It was totally worth it though. Nothing was "we" after we split because there was no more "we." Once I really accepted that...there was no arguing or trying to persuade him what was financially fair. I was looking out for me. Period. It had to be that way. He could not be trusted to make rational decisions about money at all.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this on top of the truth according to your A. What I do suggest is finding out what your rights are, especially in terms of selling the car. What I try to keep in mind in dealing with the A in my life is I'm not dealing with a normal person. I try not to take anything personally. I try to remember that it's not up to the atty's, so it doesn't matter what I say, he says, even the atty's. It only matters what the judge says. I'm not sure where you are at in terms of filing or starting the process. Again information is key for me and the doing the foot work. God steps in and takes care of the rest. Hugs p ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Alcoholism is a disease that affects the brain/mind including all other parts of the body and their functions. It is progressive if not arrested by total abstinence...Using this as a filter you can see that your condition is "normal" using the filter of the disease. I stopped trying to have a rational discussion or conversation with my alcoholic/addict, learned to detach and got out and used the program tools necessary to keep my side of the street clean and orderly. I stopped having conversations with all others who were willing to easily abuse me verbally. Don't have to do that so I don't. When I let go of my alcoholic/addict wife's personal responsibilities anytime and everytime she tried to "use" me or any part of me I would lovingly turn it back to her and go on with my own life. If creditors called regarding "her" bills I refered them back to her...if they wanted to hold me responsible for payment that was secured by material things, I told them to go pick up the security for the loan/note. I don't "owe" the alcoholic/addict anything not even her happiness and sobriety... ((((hugs))))
Slowly, step by step. I was still in a bit of denial, I suppose, and hoping that the coming job loss wouldn't happen and that if it did, he would be so torn apart that he would see the light. Yeah, right! I have done so with some miscellaneous bills. I paid credit card bills off and removed my name. I didn't want to move them to his name with any balance on there. Now if puts anything on them, it's his decision. I am no longer using the same bank account as him but I do need to get my name off of that account asap and his off of mine. As far as the house, I don't think it's quite that easy. I am calling the mortgage company tomorrow to see what my options are so I am holding off on removing my name from the utlities until I know what is happening there. I know they will cut off service of utilites after one month so those won't get too out of hand. The car WILL be traded back in. He can dig his heels in all he wants but it is going to happen.
This is all new to me so I welcome any advice on what I can do in this year of separation before we can divorce to protect myself as much as possible.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
Get yourself some legal advice. And protect YOURSELF, because he is not in his right mind and will tell you what you want to hear and then do whatever he wants to do, and what is best for him.
My ex AH lost a 30 year career and a 30 year marriage...clearly he was not thinking clearly..alcohol clouds the thinking for a long long time...They need to be sober for at least a year before making any decisions..my ex AH thoughtg that rule didn't apply to him...(that typical alcoholic ego...)
I wonder why we allow ourselves to expect so little and settle for so little for so long. We hope and hope and hope that things will get better..if they were only sober....blah, blah, blah....We need to raise the bar for our expectations in our lives , take control of our lives and realize that settling for such dysfunction is wasting our valuable life..You will find the strength to do what is best for you..believe and trust in yourself....scary to go off on your own, but even scarier to stay in a situation where you are not valued.
Hugs .. that's going to happen, the denial fades in and out as I have come to greater understanding of how sick he is .. he's a mess to say the least. It's always stunning to me that I stop seeing him as sick and thinking on some level he's normal and he's just NOT.
I would highly recommend getting your name off of anything he is driving and if you are living in a separate residence NOT paying any bills that are not yours. Depending on where you live they won't turn off the electricity during the months of December - April here in the Midwest. Be aware of that fact if it is a factor, you don't want a bill that is larger than you are aware of.
That's really all I can think of .. if there is a way to get some kind of legal document that completely separates his actions from you I would really take a look at something like that.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
