Hi everyone! This is my first post on the boards, and it's about something that's been bothering me for a long time. I am hoping that someone who has had a similar life can give me some advice, or at the very least some reassurance that I'm not the only one feeling like this.

To begin, I am 25, and my father is an alcoholic. I haven't seen or spoken to him in over 2 years. He was verbally (and mildly physically) abusive to me as a child, and he was physically abusive to my younger brother and my mother. He pitted us against one another and against my mom, who was working outside of the home while he stayed in with us. He seldom had good things to say, was violent, and used to forget to pick my brother and I up from school. He would destoy our house and berate us and take us with him while he went to court to to the bar and would give us money in order to keep us from telling our mother. His alcoholism was never spoken of. I'm sure people knew what was going on, but everyone excused his behavior and I didn't reach out to anyone else until I was around 11 years old. When he found out I had told someone about what he had been doing, he was livid and I paid for opening my mouth. After that, I never spoke of it again. 

When my mom filed for a divorce, things at home got worse until we were no longer safe there. We stayed with other family members but I could never shake the feeling that he would come after me and kill me. I kept a knife under my mattress in one of the homes I was staying in. When things settled down and he left for good, we were able to go back home. But I sunk into a depression and developed horrific body image issues that persist to this day. I felt like I was different from everyone else and that I was always on the outside looking in, and I couldn't understand why. At 21, I was raped at a party by someone I had known only briefly. He dragged me outside and across the street and did it. That was the first and last time I've had sex. 

Now as an adult, I no longer have depression, but I do have a few body image issues, and I am an extreme control freak. I have a sense of humor that's been with me since childhood, and I think that's what I use to compensate for everything that I think I lack. I don't like being vulnerable, and I don't know how to let go of my harsh humor and rigidity. I do not like taking orders from anyone, and I like to be the one in charge. I won't ask for help even when I need it. At this point in my life, I have never been able to maintain a relationship. When a guy gets too close I panic and pull away. I am fine being interested in someone from afar or someone unattainable, but when they reciprocate my interest or show any in me, I find reasons to push them away. I want to be with someone, I really do. But I can't stop myself from finding fault in anyone interested me, I feel like my expectations are unreasonable and I don't know how to loosen up and be ok. With men, I feel like I need every touch, every talk, everything to be on my terms. And I don't want to be like that. I sometimes wonder if all of this is just a manifestation of fear. I can't figure out if this issue stems from my father's alcoholism or the rape, or maybe both. I HAVE gone to therapy multiple times, and it just doesn't help at all. So as a last resort, I'm hoping that I can get some guidence from some of you.