The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been living with a man now for 3 years...he was a drinker when we met but I didn't realise how much and how it was steadily increasing until the beginning of 2012. We both have children and its a tough family situation.
He drinks from 3pm in the pub every day and then carries on with 2 bottles of wine and evening at home and his behaviour has become difficult to manage.. somewhere around 165 unit a week I recon! one month ago he was caught (grassed up for) drunk driving after months of me asking him to to drink drive. he now has a driving ban for 9 months and even told me it was only 8 months left today...he is literally counting the days, but still drinking which is frightening!
Anyway, he tells me he is in control...he is not, he tells me its his choice...maybe!
He has started cycling to and from work which is great...good for his health and mind! He said it would also help as he couldn't cycle home after drinking so he would stop the drinking before he got home... needless to say that lasted 3 days. This week he has got a taxi home every day because he has a cold and has aksed me to run him into town to get his bike each morning so he can get about. I have done this... Today he said he was going to cycle home...I said 'Great! you are feeling better' he said, NO, you are at work tomorrow and I need my bike to get about as you aren't here... So! he is cycling home today so he can cycle to the pub tomorrow while I am at work... basically he has been using me every day to drink at the pub, get a taxi home and know I would take him back in the morning!
I am gutted...and feel totally stupid, like I have been facilitating his drinking by running him around. And he is taking the micky out of me...again!
Do I say no more lifts into town? Is that unkind? Is that making him responsible for his own arrangements?
He says I should be grateful that he is even going to work as he could choose not to... Couldn't we all? But most of us need to work to have a decent life!
What makes me mad is that I can't figure it out. We live opposite a pub... why would be choose to cycle 10 miles to get to his local on a weekend and facilitate his week around that? Is it the drink or the company?? Or is it that they know him and let him drink what he likes then get in a car or whatever?
Ah! Now I see exactly what you meant on my post. We are both walking similar life with our SO. I'm just as positively lost as your feeling as well.. But like you said, its our life. At least we know know were not really alone..
My husband and I had a fight about his behavior yesterday and he passed out and slept for hours. And now he's not answering my phone calls. IDK. I guess I have to wait and see what is going to happen when I get home. I'm really worried about it tho.
I'm glad you have found us. Al-Anon suggests that it's most helpful to not do for people what they could do for themselves, and to stand out of the way and let them experience the consequences of their decisions. So his decisions have led him to the place where he doesn't have a convenient way to get to and from work, or to and from the pub. So Al-Anon would suggest that we let them figure out and handle this kind of things themselves. Frequently they try their hardest to get us to make their alcohol-addled lives easier, so sometimes setting boundaries takes practice and strength.
I hope you can get to some face-to-face meetings, where there will be much wisdom. If you read through all the threads on the boards here, there will be a lot of information too. I hope you will keep coming back.
Like Mattie says Al-Anon suggested we let A's be responsible for themselves and for us to be responsible for ourselves and any children who need looking after. It's ok to say no to the A. Face to face meeting are great, personally I have found them far more healing than communicating via the internet but I'm lucky I have a F2F meeting nearby. Keep coming back x
I can relate to your post, I would do anything for my abf, but since al-anon Ive learnt the hard way about setting boundries and that I have a right to do this. So if you feel strongly about not driving him to get the bike, set that boundry and let him know and if you set it mean it or otherwise there is no point to saying it to him.
Good luck in your own recovery and I like Uk jane am lucky to have a group near me and I wouldnt miss it for the world, on-line meetings are great but I think being at a meeting is so much more powerful face to face.
Good luck on your own road to recovery and all the good stuff that your higher power has in store for you.
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
