The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This week was full of it... these moments used to make me sad and keep me low for days and days. Now that I decided to take EVERY crisis or challenge as an opportunity to change, or become more aware of things, here I got spoiled this week:
I invited my ABF along to an official event I had to go for work. First I was not sure to do that, because there was this fear, that it might be too much for him, since he is trying to stay sober, and mainly realizes that by staying away from outside life. But I thought it could both do us good, to go out there and meet people, even only on a superficial level, for a short time. Training to become social again. Well he was nervous, I could tell, actually we both are not so much fan of these events. But I was happy he decided to join me in this. He used to use alcohol to get rid of his shyness and inferiority complex.... I am also shy, I just talk my way through it. anyway, so we got there, all fine. The waiters in this event came along with trays of drinks every five minutes though, like it's usual in receptions. I slowly started to feel like in a mine field, as I could see him stare at the trays and struggle with himself being so uncomfortable due to the crowd. i started feeling this all was a mistake. I could see him suffer. Then a group of colleagues came along, and talked jokingly about something that made him feel very embarrassed for some reason. One waiter came with a tray, and ABF lost it, he took a beer. Me beside him, with a thorn stomach..panic. I couldn't hear anymore what the person next to me just said, I could just see him pouring down that beer, after 2 months trying to stay sober, fighting and struggling so much with withdrawal syndroms...oh dear. I could have cried...or could have kicked all those trays and send them to hell...anger, anxiety, fear, sadness...all the negative feelings...his desperate look. Damn, what were we doing here. Then I did something I shouldn't have done: I took that beer half empty and i put it back on a passing tray 'lets go'... I knew the minute I did it, it was not my duty to do....and if I had a better solution in that moment, I would have applied it...but I didn't have one at hand.and yes, I felt like a mother taking care of a kid, and yes I felt like patronizing, and yes i hated me and him very much in that situation, and yes, this had not much to do with free living love. It was controlling, it was deciding for someone else.... afterwards in the car back he asked me if I was angry at him. i just said No, that I loved him, and the day after I apologized for what i did. and tried to explain why i did it. I am not proud of moments like that. But I also have become calmer...months ago I would have panicked all along, screamed, cried.... being a controlling blaming jerk. If he wants to drink he will do that, I can't be there always for him. (i would still like to hear what would have been a better option of choice though...very scary situations)
another day, 2 days later..today. He was supposed to come to pass teh weekend. we cannot see eachother very often due to circumstances. But I'm going away for couple of weeks, alone, so we thought time together would be nice before leaving. Normally I do life easy for him and go to where he is. But this weekend I really couldn't, having to take care of things in the house,, so he said he would manage. well this morning he lets me know that he can't, he doesn't feel well. Big disappointment again...this time not because of my controlling issue, but simply because I'm a romantic person, like many others out there, and I love to spend time with my loved one, spoil him, being spoiled, time together as a couple. I don't think there is much more 'sick' expectation to that...we simply miss eachother. But it seems, when it comes to him having to make the 'effort', I have to renounce every time, because it will simply never happen. I start to think, if I want things, I have to do them all myself. So i start really doubting about where this is gonna lead. Actually I want to live in the present, and wnat to look at good things...but since I decided that, even those opportunities don't come along anymore. a little bit discouraged here, had cooked, had a surprise for his birthday which will be in my absence...now I'm sitting here alone, enjoying myself, once more... missing him. what lesson can be learned here. yes I get it...NO EXPECTATIONS AT ALL ANYMORE, no hope, no outlook, just me, myself and I, and the time and things I want to do...feels selfish though.
all this would be fine, if he wouldn't tell me on some occasions, that he loves me more than I love him...that I cannot love unconditionally..blabla, ...it's just not fair...because I really do questions myself a lot, and finding many errors also, and really learning about compassion because and despite of that disease...it would just be nice to get a break sometimes.
Sounds like you're sorting a lot of things out. Don't be hard on yourself concerning the event, him drinking and you taking his glass. Maybe hp put a lesson in front of both of you for learning. More will be revealed huh?
As far as your relationship with him, only you can decide what a healthy expectation is for you. Some expectations are good ones. They involve self respect. Our self worth nudges us to ask for what we deserve. I use to rationalize about what I wasn't getting and tell myself maybe I'm being selfish, maybe I'm not being understanding enough, maybe I'm too demanding. Then with this program I learned maybe I was too giving at my own expense, too accustomed to just taking whatever someone was willing to give and being grateful for it. I had to learn where the middle was, what was unreasonable and what was reasonable and keeping within the healthy boundaries of a balanced relationship. This was with everyone tortuga not just a bf. It mattered in my family, my work relationships and my friendships. When I risked to change and brought my new self around, some people left me. Ya know what? It hurt a little but new healthier people stuck around and there I was suddenly able to meet them eye to eye as scarey as that was at first and maintain those mutually respecting relationships. I can't know really how you feel, tortuga but if you search your heart and you honestly feel you're getting scraps from a relationship, it's doesn't really feel good for you, trust yourself. Who knows you better than you. I hope you have a loving sponsor in this program to call on. Hp is always there to help. Keep taking care of you. Hugs. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thank you for your post. It is very true what you say: 'too accustomed to just taking whatever someone was willing to give and being grateful for it. I had to learn where the middle was, what was unreasonable and what was reasonable and keeping within the healthy boundaries of a balanced relationship.'
Thanks for pointing this out for me, I couldn't see what to focus on first. wlaking the middle line is currently an act of balance, I feel like an acrobat in a circus, without a net.... I sometimes feel guilty to 'expect the good and healthy'...but as with every habit, i guess one can change it through replacing it with another , more appropriate habit.
anyway, lots of personal work to be done here, so I am grateful for some lessons put in front of me to do that TODAY.
