The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Been there, done that. I followed my Al-Anon side. My AH needs to hit his bottom and it is not up to me to provide a cushion anymore. Just my sharing my ESH. This is a very tough time for you, but it will get better for YOU if you stay focused on YOUR recovery.
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Wednesday 10th of October 2012 06:15:54 PM
I find that when I soften the consequences for someone else then they need to go further down. I not only do them a disservice I do myself a major one. It hurts me and them.
It has to be soooo scary to know that it has come down to this in him loosing his job. I grapple with that one with my STBAX .. loosing a job isn't just about him .. it effects myself and the kids too.
The other thing I constantly remind myself is that I don't have to create any other crisis than is already happening.
Him sitting in his stuff is exactly where he needs to be .. you taking care of you is exactly where you need to be.
Hugs P :)
-- Edited by Pushka on Wednesday 10th of October 2012 08:17:53 PM
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Got a call from my AH's boss today @ 4pm. She said that he had failed an alcohol test. They had asked him to have someone pick him up from work but he drove off so the bank attorney's said they had to notify the police. She called me, not knowing that we have been separated for 2 months now, to see if he had made it home safely. I drove by and his car was at the house so he did. She said that when he left, he left his phone and everything in his office. My "fix it" side wants to check on him or have someone else do it but my al anon side says to leave him alone. Would welcome any input.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
Since you know you can't fix it, you can just consider what taking care of yourself looks like. Will it bring you more peace to know how he's doing? Or will it bring you more stress?
If you decide to call, I'd suggest the "book-ending" idea of calling your sponsor before and after. She always helps me get clarity of my motives, etc. etc. ((hugs))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Thanks for the feedback. Confirmed what I thought was the right thing to do. Can't even describe how unreal all of this feels, I guess overwhelmed describes it better than anything. Not looking forward to a night alone with my thoughts.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
Course you'd really have to be alone to be alone and that can't happen with HP and MIP around you.
I was reminded what someone else said the other day about when I check on him I'm playing God. That's a goose bump reminder of sickness and insanity past.
You didn't cause it, can't control it, cannot cure it.... 3cees, ((((hugs))))
I'm reading CoDependent No More right now and there is a bit in there about how enablers (like me) are really stopping up the natural order of the world, we are clogging God's plan because we keep getting in the way of it (I am really paraphrasing here, it sounds better in her words). But it was a real eye opener for me, what I was thinking was helping my AH was only me getting in his way to follow the path he needed to follow and I was delaying his bottom, thus delaying mine, and guess what - we both got to our bottom anyway, and it was uglier and messier than it probably needed to be, largely because I kept stepping in and fixing his issues. I am really thinking a lot about that concept lately and it does help my mindset. You are doing the right thing, keep the faith. Hugs and prayers.
The alcoholic mindset: "Damn that stupid job for interrupting my well-deserved pity party!!!"
Right after I split from my ex-A, he wrecked 2 cars drunk back to back. In one of those instances, he called me still drunk to tell me. I did go by and check on him to make sure he was medically okay cuz I felt it was the right thing to do. I called my sponsor before and after (bookending - which Glad Lee mentioned).
You are not alone. Ultimately, I know you want recovery for him even though you are angry. This probably brought him a step closer.
I vote for going with your Alanon wisdom. When my AH was drinking himself out of his job last year, I did all the co-dependent things - lied to his boss, brought him his blackberry and laptop to the detox unit, called whoever he asked me to in his office in a futile attempt to save his job. He ended up losing it anyway as we all knew he would. On the positive side, while I hate that he is unemployed, I try to think that maybe he needed to lose his job in order to hit a low and make him seek recovery. You're doing the right thing. Sending you support.
I agree with not getting involved, his issue not yours. Go find something to keep you busy and mind off it. See a friend or relative, go get your nails or hair done, massage, go buy yourself a new book or outfit, go for a walk... anything while this drama plays out because the end result will come on it's own without your involvement. Hugs, so sorry for the situation. Sad disease.
