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phoned my granddaughter 3 weeks ago & asked her if she would like a set of my china dishes with crystal glasses, tea pot, coffee pot , cream & sugar absolutely everything, setting for 12 people & complete silver ware set, for her hope chest. Her reply was definitely...I replied please come & see them to make sure she like the set & we can pack them up....Did not hear from her so after the dishes setting out on my table in the sun-room for 3 weeks now, I texted her last night asking her when she thinks she could come...the reply was she is at soccer practise & will phone me after practise...No phone call.
The question is how do I deal with this,How long do I wait a another week & if still no phone call go ahead & sell the dishes ? I feel like I am being disrespected !
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Icie
"Holding a grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die..."
Hmmmmmmmm that could be a year from now. The reason I offered them is to clear out things I do not use, to get rid of some of the clutter. I am realizing I do not know how to deal with people. I am so darn nice that I am a puck, people take advantage of me, my kindness. I have allowed everyone to come & go at their convenience, no matter how inconvenient it is for me. I have many times rearranged my life, my job etc. to please others, help others & have ended up with no appreciation, no respect from them or self respect.
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Icie
"Holding a grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die..."
I recently learned the hard way that it was me who offered to do everything....and it was me who had to stop myself from offering...especially offering when people are not asking. i would think that you offered the place settings to your granddaughter...and you want to clear things out....it would be reasonable to now set a date to come get them...or not...either way they are gone. This way she chooses...and doesn't leave you stuck in resentment
I agree to set a boundary. Tell her that you think she really is not interested. You do not want to force her to take it if she doesn't want it. Let her convince you that she is serious. If she doesn't respond then put it up for sale. If she comes back to you and asks where it all is, tell her the same thing. You didn't want to force her to take something she didn't want. Good grief, she hasn't even come to look at it to see if she likes the color. My grandkids took one look at my stuff and said "no thanks. Too 1970's." It may be wonderful to me, but I may just be sentimental about it.
I know for me I have to look at it in the perspective of what course of action will best keep me calm and serene.
Setting a deadline can be a good solution. I personally try to keep personal remarks out if it, like "seems like you're not interested". It's unfair for me to make those kind of statements because frankly I don't live in that person's head and I therefore really do not know if they're just not interested, or maybe just forgetful, or have something else going on. A simple. "Hi there! I'm really wanting to get rid of this set. Can you let me if you can pick them up by x-date? Otherwise, I'm just going to go ahead and sell them. Thank you!"
Have you been getting to any face-to-face al-anon meetings, Icie?
Yes I am getting to F to F meetings at least two a week & on here constantly.I would go to more F t F meeting If I could my job prevents it. I know I have a long ways to go to get well I really hit bottom this time. Thanks to everyone for your replies & support. I am really working hard to get well again, doing better in some areas than other areas.
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Icie
"Holding a grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die..."
Setting boundaries... for you.... is always a good thing...
What about: "Granddaughter - I would love you to have these dishes, and if you can pick them up by Saturday, October 12 - they are all yours. I am in the midst of cleaning up a lot of items right now, so if you can't get them by Saturday, I will look at selling them elsewhere" (or something like that).
This way, you put some finite times with your kind offer, and gives her the dignity of choice, to either honor what you need/want (by coming to get the dishes), and reduces her ability to complain if she doesn't take action, and you sell them elsewhere...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks Tom... it is exactly what I did yesterday she has one week to pick them up or I sell them. I learned from this never offer anything with out pick up time!! ( boundary ) I am getting this boundary thing slow but sure & it sure feels good. I am starting to like myself to respect myself, Yippee..lol
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Icie
"Holding a grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die..."
