The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Once again my alcoholic bf acted out but this time I am taking a stand. I listened to what people here had to say, and I am no longer engaging in his games and not allowing him to ruin my life. He was down here from Wednesday through Monday, and we barely saw each other, except when I helped him out. We did have a fun day on Saturday, but things fell apart on Monday. We had plans to go shopping, have lunch with my friends and meet my son for dessert. From the moment he spoke to me in the morning, he had a lousy attitude, told me when we were leaving and got into his controlling state. He pouted and sulked the entire day and ruined it for me. Thankfully my son had to cancel at the last minute as I did not want him to witness any of this. I am not willing to cover for him and won't. He continuously uses that he is an alcoholic as an excuse and then adds that I should rethink this relationship, implying he will always be this way. As soon as we returned to my place, the place he has been able to stay at for extended periods of time for many months, the place where he is fed, housed, and given access to all amenities, he split. I was pissed that he ran off after being such a prick, but I didn't care and or want that behavior around me. He is exhausting for me. His one year is this Saturday, and I will attend that, but I have told him he is not staying here anymore. He will have his own place soon, and I am not willing to continue to be his doormat, available for his needs and ignored for mine. He starts a new and high paying job in a few weeks and he has yet to thank me, take me out and show his appreciation for his staying here, my helping him with any and everything. I feel stupid and used and utterly fed up. But, I am standing my ground with him, and not letting him stay here. I have a new job starting on Friday and my own life to deal with. If he wants this to work, he better start working on himself because this selfish, controlling behavior is not what works in a healthy relationship.
I am patting myself on the back this morning, feeling strong and healthy, not willing to let him pull me down with him. He knows what he better do to keep me as his gf and only time will tell if he is willing to do it.
Teachmath - It sounds like you are making progress with acceptance. I was still a needy, jerky, basket case at just 1 year sober. The first relationship I got into sounds kind of like the one you are describing. We wound up breaking up when I had about 1 year sober. In retrospect, I didn't know what I wanted, I didn't know who I was. I was tremendously selfish and I used that other person to buffer me from my own fears about living sober and all the challenges it entailed.
Not sure what you might take from my experience other than to know that a person new to sobriety is pretty shaky and self-centered. They are growing and changing rapidly. They are moody and not fully able to give of themselves to a relationship. Not sure if you want to wait it out - if you think this guy is worth it - if you enjoy the good times enough to keep tolerating his slow recovery, but that's what's in front of you.
Pray on it and be true to yourself. Don't let fear govern your choices.
Fantastic that you have placed boundries. I never knew that could be done until I found al-anon. I also never thought I had the right to set boundries, poor selfesteem on my part I think. What I do know now though that I did so much for my abf I didnt do it because he asked I gave to get control...that he should thank me, love me, so now one of my affirmations is I can give without expectations from those i give to.
Good luck with your new job, and great work looking after your needs and what you want.
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
teachmath, thanks for this share, i can relate a lot, and I can only respect you a lot for setting up boundaries and sticking to them...i am still struggling with that, but one day at a time, growing. Thanks for the inspiration. moving on...
... for a good minute. Its been so long..