The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a great f2f meeting at lunch today. I don't have a sponsor yet and I'm honestly not on the steps. I have finally accepted step 1. so i guess I'm on step 2 but still grasping a straws without a sponsor to keep me focused. So obviously I'm not on step 4 but I had a revelation this weekend that I just have to share. I don't really know where to start so I'll just pick the begeining. When I was 5 my mom and I were living with her ABF. One halloween night we were leaving a bar. I was left to sleep in the back seat while they went into the party. They came out arguing real bad, we lived in a trailer house on the edge of town and had to use the state highway to get there. I don't remember the conversation but I remember him pulling over to the side of the road, getting out and dragging my mom from the car by her hair kicking and screaming. He drug her about 10 feet away from the car and held her down and started punching her in the face with his fist. I could see them in the flash of headlights everytime a car drove by. No one stopped. He came back to the car and we drove off with me screaming and crying. I looked back and saw her crawling to the road. I was afraid of this man and I always had been. Now I felt hopless, helpless and worthless. There was no one helping my mother and there was nothing that I could do for her. That incident has probably affected me more than anything else in my life. I have always judged myself and based my self esteem on my ability to help women especially the one that I was with. The more messed up they were the more they "needed" me thus the more I "needed" them to justify my own self worth. Fast forward 33 years later and guess what. I'm married to an alcoholic, I have a family with an alcoholic, I love an alcoholic. The past three years I have been so down because I needed to help her inorder to feel good about my self. With an alcoholic you cant help them, thus I felt helpless, hopless, and worthless. So back to the subject, "God's will God's way". Had it not been for me being dependant on an alcoholic and then falling in love with her, I would never been able to see how all that was affecting me through my whole life not just in relationships but life in general. So while the situation I'm in SUCKS!!!! I belive it is Gods will. Right now at this moment, I'm a better person for going through this. There are other events in my life that give me faith that God has a plan for me. I want to accept that plan. I try to accept it. Thats all I can say right now.
I really apreciate a place where I can share. Not feal shame or pity. Just get some of this crap off my shoulders.
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IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS DONE, YOU WILL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS GOT
Hugs Rellik, we are here to listen (read rather!).
Glad you had a good meeting today and gained some insight into your actions and feelings. It feels good to figure out a piece of the puzzle, doesn't it?
Keep coming back, keep reading, keep learning, keep in contact with your HP. It's all we can do.
The windows are open and so is the door and the light is streaming in and Rellik can see clearly and move around the room freely. Welcome to the sunlight of the spirit my brother. Your willingness to come, sit, listen, learn and reach out for more help is how it is done. That is what your HP is providing for you and you're doing well with it. I am also grateful for my alcoholic/addict wife and the powerlessness of trying to cure and fix her and the resulting chaotic management effect it had on me. Now we're here together and I am in support. keep doing what you've been doing...it's working well for you. ((((hugs))))
Rellik, that is some powerful insight. You are clearly progressing the way you are intended to in these meetings. Don't delay too much in finding a sponsor so that you can formally do the steps. Great awareness will not stop you from reverting back to dysfunctional behaviors that you have come to rely on and that you feel comfortable with. A sponsor will be objective and keep you on track towards change. It will feel uncomfortable for you to let go of old ideas and ways of behaving (rescuing and fixing), but it will transform your life because that energy will eventually be channeled towards healthier ends.
Hoping you find an AWESOME sponsor cuz I'm already seeing massive growth in you just over the last few weeks...it can take off exponentially from here.
((relik))...your share was really a touching one, I like you are very new to the programme and looking and waiting for my sponsor, I wish you well on your road to recovery...I bet your HP has so much great stuff in store for you! Thanks for being here and posting as I am having a bit of hard time letting go and letting god, I keep taking back as I am struggling with the god of my understanding...a caring father and how he could love me, have some issues i need to resolve from my own childhood as i feel worthless and unlovable, my heart says this is not so but my ego or whatever says otherwise. Again thankyou for your esh.
Love Simone x
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
. I never ever regretted the same I walked into an Alanon meeting.