The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my name is slogan_jim and I am a grateful member of the worldwide fellowship of Al-Anon.
Over the years growing up in an alcoholic home, I developed a lot of hurt, anger, resentment and jealousy. This has expressed itself in various ways, with one of them being sarcasm. This has lead to a lot of awkward and hurtful moments on my part. It has gotten much better over the years and I havn't brought it out in a long time. I credit the program for that. However I feel like I have a lot of damage to undo from my previous relationships. Over the last 2.5 years in al-anon I have changed. I am able to clearly see now things I couldn't before.
In the past I sought approval. My way of doing this was to make you laugh. If you thought I was funny then you liked me. Pretty simple right? Obviously in life, whether there is al-anon or not, people have different senses of humor. My sarcasm was something that I felt gave me acceptance. It gave me a role and a character to play. I was the mr. funny man. Whenever there was an opportunity for a witty remark, people would turn to me and expect a well fomulated jab. Sarcastic comments became my 'thing'. It was what I became known for. Combine my angry sense of humor with all the gossip and rumors that I elected to get caught up in and I was unstoppable.
While giving a sarcastic jab, it was always an effort to make someone look small while making me look like the bigger/better catch. Growing up, there was not very much love in my life. Me and my mother were estranged in my late teens and my father drank very heavily and was unavailable. I had noone else around me and help me with my self-esteem. Because of this I developed a strong sense of arrogant superiority. If noone else was going to believe in me, I had to. This came out through sarcasm. By making others look small, in my mind I made myself look bigger.
I've had a lot of jealousy in my life. Whenever a man who I deemed 'inferior' was able to meet a woman and develop a relationship. I got jealous.and would made disparaging comments in an attempt to make them look bad and make myself look good.
It's gotten a lot better and I am seeing it now. But the problem is that in life, people wont necessarily remember what you said, but they'll always remember how you made them feel. For years I questioned why noone would ever want to set me up with female friends or why it seemed like noone ever really encouraged me or sent me positive vibes about relationships. It's that noone wants to set-up a friend with someone who mocks them and degrades them in some form. Now, I feel embarrased and feel as though it will be hard to create a new loving persona.
What a great start to a 4 th Step inventory. I do believe your awareness is exactly whar alanon is all about. Uncovering exactly what we are doing that HURTS US and our ability to have healthy loving relatonships.
After we uncover these destructive behaviors the remaining Steps assure us that these defects will lift and be replaced by healthy responses that are motivated y serenity, courage and wisdom. The final 12th Step assures us of a Spiirtual Awakening.
Chage is possible and when we work this program we receive the Courage to do so.
Wow great awareness and persoanl inventory! With this kind of vulnerability and ability to change you will be a great catch no matter what kind of past you have had. We all have darkness in our past, but I truly know that Al-anon and some counseling has helped me to look into all the dark places and take an inventory of what I was able to see and none of it was as bad as I remembered once I shined a light on it and was able to share it with someone I trusted. I used to live in fear and shame, but now I am able to set myself free of my past and to be in the now. Sending you love and support on your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thank you for your courage to share your insights...as I have shone the light on my darkness, it becomes less and less embarassing. I can even laugh at myself now, but I remember the humiliation I felt when dark stuff would come up. Having a sponsor has helped me to be more comfortable in identifying and verbalizing my defects; then I humbly ask God to remove those defects...and when I ask I really mean it. Take good care and keep sharing
What has brought this to light is that last night I was at a wedding. Everything went great but twice now, the same thing has happened that has opened my eyes. Twice now I have met women for the first time and they have remarked that I come off as bitter and 'mock-ey' were the words they used. All this while not making any sort of sarcastic comment (that I was aware of). So this means that women are picking up on this instantly and I can think of many other times when this may have been the case. There is something that I am doing that is giving off this vibe and have been for a very, very long time.
I find this to be very disappointing. If they are picking up on it, then others are as well and have been for a very long time. This is a big reason why I am not getting any help on the dating front. Why I have no confidence around women when I am in this group of people.
My sarcasm is also meshed in with a sense of arrogance. For years, I felt as though I wasn't worthy of love because I didn't have any. Deep down I KNOW I will make a great boyfriend/husband to a lucky woman. Whenever someone else would achieve happiness with a relationship. Automatically, without even thinking it, I would get into arrogance mode and demean and put-down the guy in front of the girl to make him look inferior. Not because I was necessarily interested in that particular girl, but I was frustrated, angry and discouraged.
I am going to my home group meeting tonight and will share this. I feel like I may have some amends to make from the past.
We're all works in progress, Jim. The 3 A's help me when I'm changing an old behavior. First, just like you I have a spiritual awakening - I realize where I've been going wrong and asked my higher power to guide me to the next right action. That action can be finding the courage to try a new healthier behavior with others. Alanons in my meetings are a good place for me to try out a healthier behavior. Then I can usually venture out to people outside the program when it feels safe.
I used sarcasm too at one time as a defense to feel safe. It was my shield to repel people who scared me, around whom I felt inferior, to keep them from messing with me first. Now, looking back I don't think people were anywhere near as hyperfocused on me as I was on myself. I think when we feel better about ourselves we just stop doing it. We make new friends and have new experiences going forward. Everyone has defects. We can make amends to people for past hurts but no one has a right to label us for all time according to the mistakes we made. When we know better we do better. My experience was that I had to learn to respond rather than react. That icky feeling I was feeling inside was not based on facts. I was just giving my power away by thinking everybody in the room was so together and that I was a fraud. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I learned to excuse myself when in the company of others and compose myself with a little prayer to my higher power or stepped out and called my sponsor and slowly I began to feel more ok and less socially awkward. All any of us can do is get up each day and try make it a good day with our higher power's help. We can be gentle with ourselves. Thanks for sharing. TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
