The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father and he still drinks. 15 years ago I married an alcoholic. My husband has been sober for 5 years but there's a lot of wreckage left from the 10 years of drinking. I still have anger primarily with the face that he never made amends to me. I saw him write several letters and make phone calls for his amends step but not a word to me. He wanted me to go to a retreat last weekend for AA and Al-Anon. He left me alone with a group of women I didn't know and hung with his male AA buddies. I am fairly social and the ladies were great but it was awkward. He keeps telling me I need Al-Anon. I feel like he thinks that now that he's sober and has AA, all problems and arguments are my fault because I haven't been to Al-Anon. Nothing I say is valid to him. Nothing I get angry about is valid. I usually do fairly well at detaching myself from him and not letting what he does affect me. We live like roommates and I'm okay with it for now because I'm able to be a stay-at-home mom, have great friends and support. I do feel that I need Al-anon especially after hearing a speaker at the retreat. What I'm wanting to know is will it help me in dealing with my alcholic husband that is currently sober?? Thank you so much!
I think anyone with a qualifier, will gain from Al Anon. In fact I think even if you don't have a qualifier, Al Anon principals can be useful anywhere. Al Anon isn't about him at all, it's about you, about your own sanity, your own self care and how to focus on yourself again and make yourself a priority. I think rather than learning to deal with him, its about learning how to live with him and not lose yourself to his disease.
This is a good place and face to face meetings will be even more beneficial. Welcome. Lots of great insight here, I've been coming here less than a year and find everyday I learn something new, something to help me grow or someone who understands.
I've always heard it said, "Try 6 meetings and if you decide it's not for you, we'll gladly give you your misery back!" LOL Al-anon is for us, the wives, husbands, adult children, employers and friends of the alcoholic. It is not a program to change the alcoholic, which my misinformed ex-mother-in-law thought. That was her excuse for not going when her husband, my ex-father-in-law, went to AA. He and I joined AA and Al-anon about the same time 20 years ago, but unfortunately, after 5 years in the program (about the time he got into his 4th step) he decided he was "cured". To my knowlege he has not had a relapse in that department, but a much huger problem than alcoholism even, immeraged from him not being able to deal with his inner demons... the incestal abuse of his son, due to the suppression the alcohol had on his system.
You don't know how many times I have wished that my ex-mother-in-law could have seen how al-anon could have helped "HER" not necessarily her alcoholic, (and indeed her whole family) although sometimes when we chose to get help for ourselves, the alcoholic does too. Now because of her decision to continue to live in her world of denial, she has accepted his apologies for this horrible crime against her family, and even allows her daughter's children to be left alone with him (the daughter was also sexually abused). I have done all that I can do to protect my daughter (also his granddaughter) by not allowing any contact by him or visits as long as he refuses to get help for himself for his addiction (sex). Even if he were to get help, I would never allow him to be alone with the child, because just as an alcoholic is always an alcoholic, so the sex offender.
I could have never made it through the last 20 years without this program, or the MIP room 10 years ago come January, when I found out about my daughter's dad's own addiction to child porn. At that time, I decided to turn something negative (the computer) into something positive (MIP) and make it work for me. And that has made all the difference.
Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
I started attending Al Anon about a year after my husband became sober. It had been suggested to me several times before then, but I wasn't ready yet. I had a lot of resentment about all of the responsibility I had shouldered while he was actively drinking and I couldn't figure out why I should have to commit more of my time and energy to fixing what I saw as "his" problem.
I started reading this message board and was so inspired by what I read that I also started attending F2F meetings. That was only about 6 months ago, and I am so grateful that I did! It has been life changing. It didn't take me long to realize that I wasn't coming to Al Anon to fix his problem! I was coming to fix me. Although I am not an alcoholic, I too was affected by the disease of alcoholism and my thinking and reactions had become distorted.
I too heard the message from RAH (recovering alcoholic husband) that any arguments or problems that came up after he was sober were my fault and somehow Al Anon would fix them. Well, Al Anon hasn't fixed them all, BUT, I am learning who I am, who I want to be, what I stand for and what I want to accept in my life. It wasn't until I could let go of the resentment I had toward him, that I was able to see myself more clearly. And only now do I believe we can begin to work on our marriage--what that will look like, I'm not sure.
Active drinking is only one symptom of alcoholism, which is why most alcoholics need a program such as AA even after they achieve sobriety. I believe the same holds true for me--alcohol was one symptom of the problem of alcoholism in my marriage, but I still need Al Anon to continue to work on the problem of my thinking and reacting. I was losing my "self" to this disease, and slowing I am gaining it back.
Even if it's just to read what others write, keep coming back! There is much wisdom in this program.
You know I'm glad he's asked you to attend alanon it would be such a great service to you. It takes more than 5 years to repair the damage that has been done to any relationship in terms of addiction.
I am no longer with my qualifier however it has helped me come to terms of why I behaved the way I did, I have been able to see my part and the fact we have children together it means I will continue to have to deal with him.
Best of all it has given me a safe place to get the garbage out and how to handle things in a more healthy way for me and for my children.
Keep coming back, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I agree with everyone here that Al Anon would be good for you. Keep in mind that the program is for you. If he thinks it's going to change you into someone more acceptable to him or meet some unspoken expectation, then he may be disappointed. And, that goes both ways. Each person in a relationship is responsible for their own health, spiritual, emotional, and physical. Hopefully, he's aware of this, as are you. Much can be learned in the rooms of Al Anon, and it may bring you peace and clarity in your own journey.
I started attending Al-Anon 8 yrs after my Mum died/15 yrs after my Dad died, both were Alcoholics. My growing up in an alcoholic home really effected me, outwardly I was successful inwardly I was a mess. I've been a member of Al-Anon for 11 months and my life has improved in so many ways. I've learnt to put me first, to take care of me, that it's okay to say no to people. In Al-Anon we say try 6 meeting & take what you like and leave the rest. It's good to do something for ourselves. For those of us effected by someone elses drinking whether past or present, Al-Anon is there to help. Good luck with whatever you decide xx
Al-anon has saved me from a lifetime of misery I am sure of it. I was my own worst enemy always the vistim. I am now a survivor and am better for the people Al-anon has put into my life. It is the best idea I have heard for anyone who has dealt with alcoholism in a husband, parent, child, friend or anyone that has or can effect your life. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Alanon helps you get tools to deal with life. It can help you deal with a sober alcoholic cuz many sober alcoholics maintain some stubborn character defects they had when drinking, despite the stepwork. Don't do it just for him though....do it for you!
