How do you make amends to someone with Alzheimer's? - Al-Anon Family Group

Overcome · Senior Member

How do you make amends to someone with Alzheimer's?

Overcome · Senior Member

Well, I have effectively done my Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it; for today. But here's a question: How do I make amends to my 89 year old mother, who has moderate Alzheimer's for yelling at her yesterday? She will not remember the incident when she wakes up this morning (and if she does I will apologize), but if I bring it up and apologize it will bring it all back again and upset her. I however, am still stuck in this world with a memory and feel the need to do SOMETHING to make amends to her. How do I do that when "to make amends would injure them or others"?

Overcome

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

I think in this instance, it might be enough to learn from it and continue to work on alternative means of dealing with the frustration. My grandmother had alzheimer's, I know what it does to a family. You could sit and tell her anyway because I always felt there were times grandma appeared a little more "here" than other days and you never know when they might understand. I'm just thinking out loud on this one. Hugs.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Overcome

I too believe that stopping the behavior is a huge amends. Owning it to myself and others, as you have done and then asking HP to give you the serenity to change is a big part of amends in my book .

Remember to be gentle with yourself It is progress not perfection.

Overcome · Senior Member

Thanks Betty,

I am trying to be gentle to myself, I can sometimes be my own worst enemy! lol Progress not Perfection has always been my motto, but lately it seems I have been opening mouth, inserting foot more often than not and then having to make amends for it! I will start using the slogan THINK also and asking myself:

Is what I'm about to say:

T - Thoughtful

H - Honest

I - Intelligent

N - Necessary

K - Kind

If the answer is yes, after that, then speak! LOL

Overcome

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Overcome for the picture compliment. That's my horse from when I was a teen. I am currently leasing a horse that looks nearly identical to him and same stubborn personality. Horses are my soul food, its the thing I do for myself that reminds me I'm worth it. It's also the thing I will let NO ONE come between LOL.

Overcome · Senior Member

That's wonderful AStrongerMe! I too am a horsewoman from way back. I used to raise and train them for a living, but for the last 7 years of taking care of mom all I've been able to do is just enjoy other people's horses, but "This Too Shall Pass" and I will have horses again, I am sure of it!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

My first thought was forgive yourself. If mentioning it would bring it back, what makes you mention it at all.

Could simply be talking to her about ex: you know mom sometimes we all seem to say some things to people we love, and we are sorry.

My daughter has been absolutely horrible for awhile now. If she just came over and told me she loved me, all the rest would go away. She would not have to mention a thing.

She has already forgiven you. Moms are like that.When she has a clear moment, she will remember how sweet you have been, and how loved she feels by you.

My thing is just to love her.

Since being here at MIP, I am so calm, never raise my voice or feel much anger. If faced with a crabby person or whatever, I just do not react. I think in my head how it must feel awful to feel so bitter. I don't know what made you yell at her. But remember all we can do is control us. What she does or says or whatever is none of our business. We do not have to react, we can choose to think some skills in our heads and be kind.

We all mess up, no big deal. I can tell you care very much. Altzheimers, aspergers, autism, cp, fas, whatever label, does not matter. What matters is we make sure they know we love them.

I miss you missy. love, your friend, debilyn

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