so, so tired of it - Al-Anon Family Group

Zimmy · Senior Member

so, so tired of it

stephaniej · Senior Member

I am so sick of being told I am a bad person. No, it's not a situation where I am made to FEEL like a bad person because of things he says to me. He actually tells me "you're a terrible person."

I KNOW it's not true. But I am sick of hearing it. I'm sick of being called names, and yelled at, and all that crap.

We are smack dab in the middle of another "down cycle," where my AH clearly hates himself so much because of his drinking, and takes it all out on me. It's such a polar opposite of how I handle self-loathing. When I hate myself, the only person I punish is myself. It's a terrible, vicious cycle of low self-esteem. But when he hates himself, he punishes ME. I'm sure he punishes himself, too, but that's his business. I'm tired of being the emotional punching bag. I don't deserve it.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You are right. You don't deserve it. What would happen if you just said "No I'm not" and then walked away? Does he follow you? Argue? Just wondering. The verbal abuse stings more when you let it stick to you. You can stick up for yourself without arguing (at least I hope you can - not sure if he is the type that will rage on you for even doing that).

What happens if you say - "You will not yell at me over nothing" and then leave or walk away? That is setting boundaries - it could blow up in your face. I don't know if he will respond violently, but I can only tell you that I have learned to respond this way because I know I deserve better and I won't let a person cross those boundaries. I tell them when they have and if they can't deal with it...I gotta hit the road.

I'm more important than anyone to me. If I don't look out for and watch over me and my self esteem, who will?

stephaniej · Senior Member

I have walked away many times. I am always told that only makes things worse, because it enrages him. Sometimes he will leave me alone; other times he follows me and rages even more, because I am such a "snob" for walking away, because clearly I think I am better than him.

And my reaction to it HAS gotten so much better over the last year. I used to just feed off of the conflict, and now I truly do just want to get away from it. I have no desire to participate in the "conversation" at all. I don't feel like I need to prove that I'm right. I don't feel like I need to defend my position. I just want to get away from it.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,

Alanon has a very important slogan that states "Utilize and do not bother to analyze " I know i was always trying to analyze the situation so I could justify my actions and attempt to explain the alcoholics behavior so I could naturally change it.

This slogan reminds me that this is a real waste of my energy and time. Pick up the tools, focus on myself, do not react, but act. Say the serenity prayer, use a slogan, go to a meeting, validate myself and detach all were powerful tools that helped me to live with the insanity that you describe

Validating myself could be simply stating: " I know that am a kind, supportive ,compassionate person and it is unfortunate you cannot see that."

Hope you have some meetings to attend this week In my thoughts

Kate123 · Member

This may not be the best advice but I've used it twice lately and it's worked really well both times. My AH does the same thing to me. I get told "a GOOD wife would do this or that" (etc.) I ignore him then he goes for another zinger and another zinger. It's really hard but what I do is not respond at all. I don't look at him or I turn my head away from him. If the TV is on I turn it up. Then when he finally says "Aren't you going to say something?" I reply with "I'll respond to you when you stop acting like an *sshole and start saying something worth responding to." It sounds mean, but why should I talk with him when all he's trying to do is make me angry so he can then use me as the reason he needs to go get a drink.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

What Zimmy said was true; that words can only hurt you if you let them. The question is; do you want to keep exposing yourself to it? I have noticed that it takes me more time to get over his verbal onslaught than it used to in the past. It's just plain old draining living with someone who verbally attacks you and won't take responsibility for themselves and the things they say, etc. It's hard to keep the disease of alcoholism in perspective, remembering that it's a thinking disease, while they are on the attack. I totally get that.

What are your options, Steph? Is there a plan B or c? I really like what Betty had to say about 'utilize, don't analyze', that was really helpful to me. I hope you find some way to apply that the next time you are a victim of his verbal assaults. Hugs, girl!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope you have meetings to get to and a sponsor. During these times I would write about what was said and how I felt about it. It helped me realize I needed a plan for the next time and that I didn't deserve it. I am sending you much love and support!

stephaniej · Senior Member

Thanks so much for the support and ES&H, everyone! I don't know why it got to me so much last night, when in general I have gotten better and better at detaching. It just really got under my skin last night. I caught myself "analyzing" it when I was trying to fall asleep, and feeling sad at what I had convinced myself is a "profound philosophical difference" that I will not be able to live with forever; namely, that my AH will look at a person's mistakes and decides that the person is defined by those mistakes and is therefore a BAD PERSON, while I choose not to define people by their mistakes.

Then I got wise, and realized it is not possible to have a "profound philosophical difference" with someone who is insane from alcoholism. I gave the whole situation over to my HP, and fell asleep.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Your AH is emotionally underdeveloped and lives in anger and resentments. That is going to be at the root of a HUGE portion of your differences. Not to say you have zero culpability, but I call a spade a spade.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I think it's interesting and not to get into the analyze part of things is that I heard recently and this is soooo true .. a guilt oriented person will look at a situation and see the situation as bad; a shame oriented person will see the same situation and see themselves as being bad.

I kind of think what you said Steph right here. "that my AH will look at a person's mistakes and decides that the person is defined by those mistakes and is therefore a BAD PERSON, while I choose not to define people by their mistakes."

That says a LOT about what he is carrying around on him. I'm not saying or absolving him of his character defects or lack of maturity .. I guess when I can see it from a different perspective though it makes what is a said a WHOLE lot eaiser to say this is sooooo NOT about me. I can QTIP the situation, see my part and deal with just that part and allow the other person to take on whatever it is they need out of the situation.

Hugs P :)

Cherubhmm · Member

I got into a relationship with someone who was an alcoholic. I had no idea..ridiculously enough. It dawned on me when I realise, naively, that for someone to down eight pints a night and 16plus each day on a weekend, wasn't normal. He needs to drink to sleep apparently. Over the past 8 months I have supported his needs, emotionally, and he has made headway in that his alcohol intake on weekdays can be less. He goes in and out of terrible rages when he is drunk..this only happens every few weeks but it is impacting on my well being. He is not physically abusive to me but mentally and emotionally. My problem being that I was in a very abusive relationship for 14 years before divorce. I am so so tired too. I've read up the support advice and don't nag, make my life as separate as possible, but I'm feeling terribly down. The verbal abuse hurts me so much. I end up feeling totally worthless. The other day I was told that I should be grateful he was with me and that I " can't believe my luck" that I should have such a catch. Sometimes I wonder if he is with me for me or because I am emotionally supporting his habit. He has told me thisis who he is and he will never change and I have to accept that. Is that true. I know nothing about alcoholism. I can't get to meetings. My family elsewhere are critical of my relationship..they know nothing of his problem. Will/can life be different/better?? I think if I had the strength and wasn't so worn down by the situation I would walk away. He threatens suicide if I mention I should perhaps leave. I think I really need some help and advice! My whole life has been subject to abuse from others. I love this man but I don't like him at times

stephaniej · Senior Member

Thanks again everyone. I always gain so much from sharing here. I DO have a Plan B (and a Plan C, etc.), which is largely focused on finding a better job so that I am in a financial position to leave. However, I also do have an emergency plan in place, should the situation become intolerable, or should the abuse escalate to anything physical. I sometimes feel very overwhelmed by how far I have to go before I am able to leave financially, but I try to take Pinkchip's advice and focus on what I can do in any given day. That makes it a lot easier to cope.

For the first year or so after my AH came back from working out of town (about 15 months ago), I imagined getting a better job, being ready and willing to leave, and issuing one last choice to him: seek recovery or I am leaving. I suppose part of me felt like I owed him and our son and our marriage that one last chance to make an effort to get well. But more and more over the past few months, I really think that final "choice" is irrelevant, and I will leave anyway, regardless of whether he chooses recovery. Every time he abuses me with his terrible words and behavior, it is harder and harder to imagine EVER being able to get over it and have a real relationship with him again.

-- Edited by stephaniej on Tuesday 9th of October 2012 07:33:23 PM

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