The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My folks have watched me suffer for years with health issues and a big exhaustion problem. When you are being controlled and abused emotionally by others is saps the energy out of you. I have done all kinds of work in recovery for years and am finally beginning to get better, I'm beginning now to set some heavy boundaries so i don't die.
I believe they know a change is coming, they're fighting me hard now with emotional manipulation, trying to get me to react, etc.
Do they know on some level what they're doing and have done since I was 12?
It is all they know and they know your reactions cause they can read your body language. It is all they know how to do and you have taught them alot of that by your reactions and responses and now they can feel, see and hear your changes...hmmm now that you're changing they gotta change also huh? Wonderful!! Keep your Higher Power and your program right next to you and do the next best thing...Follow thru with your program. In support (((((hugs)))))
I can relate to what you're saying. I call it back lash. Whenever I start a new behaviour pattern with my family, they can sense it and often "up the ante" or try to find ways to discredit the changes in me. Basically, my old behaviours enabled them to carry on being rescued and stay in denial, so when I quit people pleasing them and deciding to stop letting them control me, it's going against the (unspoken) agreed paterns of the family. When I stop being in my old roles, that means they have to carry their own baggage. My mum can really try and twist my new good self care boundaries into a criticism, but I have to keep going with it, as I know I have to be real for me and look after myself around them. I just won't let them manipulate me anymore, but I have to brace myself for the expected fallout each time I challenge an old way of being in a healthy new way. Thanks for raising this issue...got me thinking!
Tigger
Thanks Tigger. Yes, the unspoken status quo changing shakes up the patterns. It is a family disease. It goes back generations. This is why I don't say anything cruel to them, I can see now that they were affected by others.
I just remembered another boundary tool. A lady I know in recovery still has coffee with her mother for short sittings fairly often. She told me she is simply "careful with what I share with her."
In the hen house, if there isn't enough space. or not enough good food the flock will begin to pick on its weakest member- I guess its called being hen-pecked.
If things get better the scapegoat hen will be killed, and then the next, and so on.
I was the henpecked one in my community, and family...
...in some ways, because I was codependent/ big-hearted I must have sensed my going down might save the others!
Okay- I might want to create more space. To get the owner of the enhouse to let us out and free range. And a number of othe options. But because of the feral crowd- mentality other won't buy into that... the whole process will screw up their judgement as well- they will prefer the pain and loss to any solution.
When I came into Alanon I learned detachment. I learned that there were different depths to this word. And as I began to trust myself and to learn these depths I began to learn to Let Go and Let God. At these depths I began to see God as a reality, and not just an idea.
I did not have to write a book about all this- all I had to do was 'keep it simple'. I was so exhausted fron trying to protect myself I could not meditate- I simply had to sleep and nap. I did not have anger- it was a burning hot rage at what was happening to me. Not fear but blinding terror... for death seemed never to be far away.
The death of who I was, at the very least.
I had to die to the past, and to the horrific future I pictured for myself. I cannot describe my rock bottom because I had several, and some lasted a long time.
I am so pleased to be here, and to be able to witness to this-
WTI, if you really want to break this cycle, you can't stay beholden to them. That turns you into their victim and you put up with the BS cuz you feel obligated. Take nothing from them and don't give them reason to see you as sick or weak, even if you have ailments. You obviously hate their judging and controlling so don't play the role. I know i sound directive here, but it is my ESH because I had the same relationship with my parents and it was when I stopped relying on them financially and moved away that I felt good about myself, criticisms dwindled and now I relate to my folks like a grown up and not a sick child.
