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I have tried to go to al-anon meetings. but I always end up the only male at the meetings. I don't like to be codled or nurtured. I feel uncomfortable. I actually had a more comfortable and helpful time at a CMA meeting than any of the al-anon meetings. I just want to find someone who I can relate with. Is is so rare for guys to accept that we have a problem too. That an AW can screw us up emotionaly as well.
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IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS DONE, YOU WILL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS GOT
I first started going to al anon decades ago. Many of my friends in other areas of recovery raved on and on about it. I went to meetings didn't relate and in fact was very very critical of all the people that were there. I was really specific about what I needed was of course to stay as I was. I think its hard to find a meeting or a group that clicks. Some people have the gift of being able to do that and other people have to search pretty hard. I know at various stages of my recovery that people who were once my best friends didn't feel as friendly as before. I can't say this journey is easy one if it were more people would do it. I can tell you its worthwhile to spend the energy and time to carve out an area and people who are on a level you can deal with.
CMA is Crystal Meth Anonymus. I have gone to 3 different al-anon meetings. The one today was by far the most uncomfortable. I think my problem is what I want or expexct from the meeting. OK crap here is the absolute truth. I want to change. I just don't want to change for me. I want to change the controlling, questioning, untrusting, part of me in order to help her. I am honestly not seaking to be a better person or to start a new life. I want to be able to support my AW so that she can do what she needs to do and focus on without my dumb ass screwing it up and making every hard situation worse. This may be the wrong mind set but its the one I currently have. All the meetings are about greiving and moving on. I don't want to move on I want to be better... I just had a bunch of thoughts run through my head as I was typing this. I need to think about them. Thak you for your insite.
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IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS DONE, YOU WILL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS GOT
I hear you brother,
It's not any more fun being a 26 year old male in a room full of 55 plus. When I first came to al-anon I found it very intimidating and thought it wasn't for me. But I stuck with it and here I am after 2.5 years still going strong, I have been a speaker on several occasions at a few anniversary meetings, I am the new GR of my group and I have a male sponsor. I also found being the only male in the room was a bit of a benefit. I offered a different perspective and the lady's loved hearing me share. Keep coming back.
Okay I was a rellik myself when I first got into the program...and then I left because they didn't recognize how important I and my needs were so screw em!! ...and then sometime later after it had becomes sooo much more worse and she continued to drink and use and I was one of the major reasons she relapsed I got back into the program by and act of God. I got in for the right reasons (because I needed it for me and not for any other reasons). There weren't a whole heck of alot of guys around during those days so I hung with who was there until more guys started showing up and eventually we formed the Friday Night Men's Stag Al-Anon Family Groups and even left the doors open to any women who wanted to risk Al-Anon in a jock strap...we did our meetings without boundaries to honesty and open expression. It was Great!! and I got great sponsorship out of it.
Keep coming back and ask for help...pleeeze...like where are the other guys?
Keep coming back here also cause the MIP fellas have what it takes. (((((hugs)))))
Please please please keep getting to meetings. I can tell you as a female member that I really value the male perspective in our meetings. We usually have at least one or two, sometimes three or four men show up to our small meetings. It's always nice.
I get it, though, not feeling like you're fitting in. I felt that way as a young woman myself - like I was surrounded by a bunch of older women and I was afraid they were going treat me like I was their daughter instead of as an equal.
That's part of what my illness looks like though - convincing myself I don't fit in anywhere so I can turn around and go back to what's comfortable for me.
In any case, as our opening statement says: "If you keep an open mind, you will find help". Hope you can give it a try. If there are several different Al-Anon meetings in your area, check them all out. You may be missing one that feels like it fits for you. While you look, keep coming back here. We have a lot of great men participating here regularly.
Relik, when you say "I just don't want to change for me. I want to change the controlling, questioning, untrusting, part of me in order to help her," I would bet that those words could be echoed by everyone on these boards, and probably everybody in your meetings as well. That's one of the things that draws us together. We have been eager and even desperate to figure out what we can do to help our alcoholic. If there were a way we could stop the drinking, with the combined brainpower and determination of all these people, we would have found it.
So there's good news and there's bad news. The sort-of bad news is Al-Anon's Three C's: You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it. That's sort of bad news (because what we want most in the world is to cure it or control it). But it's sort of good news. It means that we can stop feeling inadequate. It's not our personal failings that we've failed to control it. We don't have to try harder and more desperately. Then there's the real good news.
Paradoxically there is a way that we can help them. That's to get better ourselves. Alcoholism and all addiction cause insanity and chaos, and everyone close to the addict gets drawn into the insanity too. We lose our perspective and don't realize how our thoughts have become distorted. Our lives have narrowed to a pinpoint focus: the addict and the addiction. The more we go into recovery, the more everything changes. The dynamic can't stay the same. We can finally make changes that leave the addict to the impact of her choices -- and that's the only time they choose recovery -- when they truly experience the impact of their choices.
There are no guarantees -- except that our lives will get better than we can have imagined when we're sunk in the chaos of the disease.
I do hope you'll give it a try. They say to try six meetings because they're all different. I wasted several years because the first few meetings I went to were duds, and I decided the whole thing was a waste of time. I wish I'd found the right meeting for me all those years ago. I hope you'll keep coming back here as well.
I really didn't think male sponsors were all that rare.... we have a dozen or so regular males on MIP, and most of the Al-Anon meetings I have attended have at least some men in attendance....
To be truthful, when I finally decided that I was truly "sick and tired of being sick and tired", I opened myself to learn at my Al-Anon meeting, regardless of gender....
I don't think one gender can be categorized as "more coddling" than the other - at least in my experience
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
