Why can't I just leave!!! - Al-Anon Family Group

rellik · Veteran Member

Why can't I just leave!!!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Why couldn't I just leave?...Found out hope was deeper than I expected. Found out that I was deeply invested in the situation...all of it. Found out that fear has power way beyond imagination and that my imagination feeds the fear. Found out I was more experienced at staying and doing it than leaving and doing something/anything else. Found out that the questions I put to my judgement always ended up with the answer "I could be wrong". Found out that leaving was one of the changes I hadn't the courage to do. I could go on however the question is about you doing your own inventory. Like the others at MIP I am in support...oh yeah another thing I found out was I wanted to win. That one almost killed her. Keep coming back cause it gets better. ((((hugs)))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 5th of October 2012 06:49:31 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi I am sorry your family is in pain.

Let me say it this way; What makes me stay? What works better than Why.

We become familiar in our lives to what, where and how we live. Most people don't like change. To change is facing so many questions of the unknown.

Sure it may be becuz she is an addict, but she still knows what she is doing. She has to hate it so much that SHE needs to change it.

She will always be an addict, it is not curable. A true addict is determined by dna.

We have to decide if we can accept, love and live with that other person just how they are. Whether they are an addict or not.

sending you love, debilyn

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

The big book does not say that infidelity and constant relapses are acceptable behaviors. If she was at the bar as little as 2 nights ago...how hard is she really trying? I would focus on "to the wives (and just change it to "husband" and also "the family afterwards") Those are the chapters that are applicable to you in dealing with her. No alcoholic gets unlimited passes to screw up and act like an immoral person. Disease or not, there are consequences for our actions and alcholics do not get better when others let them cop out thinking it's okay cuz they have a disease (even if it really is a real disease).

Mostly, the big book states to give the alcholic the benefit of the doubt when they are doing EVERYTHING to try and recover. After screwing up it generally states to leave them to their own devices. Basically (this is how I read it), every alcholic deserves 1 good shot to get it together...after that, you are not obligated to keep "supporting" because that is where the "support" turns to enabling when they are repeatedly relapsing and not giving recovery everything or half-arsing it.

TrudyS85 · Senior Member

Such a good topic. Rellic I too am struggling with this. My AH SAYS all the right things, but doesn't DO any of the right things. I am reading CoDependent No More right now and it is helping me. My AH has many addictions and I am realizing more and more the extent of his illness as infidelity is now added to the mix. After 10 years I think I am finally done. I love what pink hip wrote, it is 100% on the money. I too let too much get 'excused' because he was sick and all I did was make him sicker. We all know what you are going thru, only love and support here! Prayers and hugs, ts

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope you can make it to face to face meetings and dive into your program. You received great ESH. Sending you love and support!

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

Liike many other people I don't feel like the Big Book says that (incidentally for years I hated everything about the Big Book and now I like it I don't quote it though).

The disease of alcholism is certainly the person who has it. Some people who get cancer become mean and nasty we don't just overlook that because they have cancer. Personally I set up boundaries around that these days because I am a person too.

The book Getting them Sober is a real resource in the situation you are in. Some people do indeed spend all the time with one foot int he program and one foot out int he world. Some recovering alcoholics have told me that once someone has had the experience of some sobriety they can't ignore that anymore. Every drink they take afterwards will be a choice they make because they got sober one time. I know full well what it is like to be around people who are hell bent on destroying everything around them in a really public and all encompassing format. I have often felt overwhelmed around them. I think it takes enormous courage to admit what they are doing and come up with ways to survive it.

My self preservation is at a stage where I know how to move off from trying to pull someone out of that spiral and get caught up in it myself. The ex A could pull me in so many ways and I ended up taking care of him time and again. The losses I suffered were tremendous but yet I felt that there was this huge pull, urge to run in and rescue him. Rescuing of course only prolonged the problem. Someone who is really really ill cannot get to a place of seeing the damage they cause, they have to live, eat sleep denial in orter to breathe. At some point many recovering alcoholics do get to the point of being able to survey the damage they did but most of the time that takes a lot of commitment to a program.

For me the decision to leave the addict/alcoholic came about when I got to some detachment (and the ex A was wrecking cars, stealing things and really on a spiral at that point, he even was at crashing into people and leaving the scene of the accident). I got to the point where I could look at what it would take for me to leave and how I oculd do that. Indeed leaving was a huge loss for me in so many ways and I had to actually leave the ex A he was not going to leave me as sure enough he felt I was the biggest problem in his life. The decision to leave didn't come about in a split second. I had to evaluate where I was, what my options were and what my resources wrere. Needless to say with the wrecakage of an alcoholic relationship they were few and far between. Please stop beating yourself up because you don't have it right now to take whatever the next step is. Sometimes we have to gather strength to do that. Ironically enough when I left the ex A all the chaos and confusion and agonry didn't stop me from missing him. I think I missed the illusion I had clung to for so long. You deserve to find a way to comfort, cherish and love yourself through this transition. That is not an easy taks when you are absolutely submerged in destruction. It is like getting off the Titantic do you scream and splash and shout or do you come up with a way to not be sucked in to the absolute destruction around you.

Maresie.

holivex · Veteran Member

Maresie, your Titanic analogy is spot-on. That is exactly how it feels.

Would also add- it doesn't get easier once you do make the decision to leave. In fact, it gets harder. All of a sudden you realize everything is on you, and your A will realize they now have carte blanche to basically do whatever they want and might go completely AWOL on you. As bad as my husband's drinking had become, there were occasionally moments where he was sober and would do the laundry or something. And then you also always have the 'what if' questions- as in, "what if they suddenly do decide to get sober and I've thrown away our marriage and family for nothing?" And then there is also anger and resentment when you realize that they aren't going to immediately decide to get sober, even after you have cut off all contact between them, you, and your children. The difference is that you know you are doing the best thing for your children by not exposing them to this disease anymore. And you know that eventually you will get past it, whereas if you stay things will probably continue to get worse. I lived for a couple of years always waiting for that shoe to drop- to get the phone call that he had driven drunk and killed an entire family, etc. I couldn't stand that anxiety anymore. But, as I just said in my last sentence, it took a couple of years for me to realize I couldn't continue. And I also realized that I wasn't helping him achieve sobriety by providing him with all the comforts of home and paid his bills for him. So in the long run I was causing more harm than good for everyone involved. And that's when I knew it was time.

Your wife may prove to be different than my husband, though. What is rock bottom for one person is completely different for another. So just take it one day at a time, but go ahead and do the small things that might make you feel safer in the mean time. Start your own checking account and divert your income there. Cut up joint credit cards, take out your own. If you are able to, pay off any joint debts you might have incurred. DO NOT sign agreeing to pay for any medical treatment that she might take. Transfer titles of cars into your name. That way, if and when you do feel ready to leave, you can make a cleaner break. And if you don't ever get to that point, no harm done.

Kate123 · Member

Someone else suggested this to you too. Please read the book "Getting them sober, you can help" by Tobey Rice Drews. I think you'll find it more useful and the applications of it far more practical than the big book. It's full of changes you can begin to make the day you begin reading it. It's that good. It's written for both sexes although the author uses "he" as the alcoholic rather that "she", but the behavor is the same for both sexes. Honestly there is more than one chapter in the book that specifically addresses that horrible flirtatious behavor that your spouse is dishing out. Just read it and start taking little or big steps to put it in practice. When your spouse begins to see she can't walk all over you and treat you like dirt then you'll start feeling better about yourself which will result in believing in yourself again, and you'll then be better able to do whatever it is you need to do. She may not stop drinking, but you'll have your sanity back, and that's what matters.

I too am married to an alcoholic but we married later in life and my son is grown and out of the house. Very thankful for that! I do wish I had some pearls of wisdome to share regarding what your kids must be going through. The getting them sober book is chuck full of ideas on how you can better protect your children from her horrible behavior. Even if they can't see what is all going on with you two they can feel it.

The main thing about my situation that is so challenging is I own the home we live in. He doesn't, so that means if I ever get to the point where I have to "separate for good" it will actually be him getting the boot, not me. I'm just not to that point. Not ready to deal wthi how hateful he can be when drunk. Honestly I'm afraid he'll leave by destroying my home on his way out the door. In the meantime I am going to try leaving for a day or a few days if necessary. Just have to take this getting my sanity back one day at a time. I'm busy re-reading the books again (she has written 4 in the Getting Them Sober series) and am putting suggestions to practical use.

Best wishes! There is hope of sanity for all of us. smile

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