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I am in the middle of trying to set boundaries with my AH who got upset with me. He has given me the silent treatment for about 3 weeks now. I am not trying to fix this for him. After initially trying to talk things out with him, and when he refused, I decided that I would not keep trying and beat my head into the wall. Now he is upset because I set the boundary of not wanting to sit accross from him at the table at dinner, since it made me uncomfortable. I asked him to see the kids after dinner instead (which isn't unusal since he works late most nights anyway). He decieded at that point that he would only want to e-mail me about things to get a "record" of when he was "allowed" to see the kids. He almost seems to be making this some kind of legal thing (though that is his profession). He said it was to make things clear. I told him that I would not e-mail him, but that I would talk to him about it. Well, he was sending me "confirmation" e-mails about our conversation where he would restate what he felt I had said. And I know from previous experience that if someone doesn't respond, then someone is considered to be consenting- in his mind/profession. Well, I finally realized this morning, that he is harassing me with these e-mails (I couldn't quite put my finger on it before). I sent him a response e-mail asking him to stop sending me e-mail, that they were harassing me and that if he had things he needed to discuss with me, he could call or talk to me in person.
Wow. Now I don't know how he is going to respond to that, but I can't imagine that it would be good. I'm holding onto my God's hand. He is able to help. Please pray for my family.
I will pray, Grace. I don't know much about legal things and what he is doing here, either. It does sound like he's trying to document your words so that he can use them against you in some way in the future. Of course, anything he writes will be paraphrased and not your actual spoken words, unless he's recording the conversations somehow, and I'm not sure that's something that can be used in a court system. It could be that he just wants to have this out there to make sure 'you know' he heard what you said?
Alcoholics are sick, and I remind myself of this whenever my AH gets weird with his behavior. It amazes me how my AH can be a perfectly functioning employee and how his strange sick behavior doesn't come out with them, only with us(his family). Have you read any of Melody Beattie's books? I am going back through the Codependent No More book and actually doing the journal work, too. There are also a few other books that have helped me especially in understanding the A in my life: Getting them Sober, by Toby Rice Drew and I love the Henry Cloud books on Boundaries(not about addiction or alcoholics, but very helpful in helping me understand my own lack of boundary setting or codependency, too). Sending you lots of support today!
Aloha Grace...I relate, that is the intimidation, power and control and manipulation of the alcoholic and his disease. He is living in his own mind which at times is the most dangerous neighborhood for him to find himself in. Only you can see the real picture for what it is. You have the experience. I like that you do what you feel you have to do and then turn it over in the meantime for your HP's guidance and leadership. That is what I had to learn how to do in Al-Anon myself. I hope you're getting to your meetings and your sponsorship for support. I deplore harassement and always have resisted it. Currently I am filing a lawsuit which will contain the complaint against harassement by the police...just an age old complaint. So sick of it.
I can only give you my point of view. Recently I learned that certain resentments are nursed by me. I feed them daily, I welcome them, I let them be a big part of my life. Some of them are relevant when I genuinely deserved respect. Some of them are not that relevant but because of habit I keep on at them. Resentment is still a big part of my life and something in some ways that drives me.
For me being around an alcoholic is always a difficult path but sometimes it can lead me to having really clear realizations. I have to keep coming back to expectations. When I am around certain people I now expect them to be nasty, mean, controlling and demanding. I can set boundaries around that and some of it involves letting go of who I want them to be. My people pleasing was a big snow screen for my need to control. I gave everything away, was always thinking of others but it was really an attempt on my part to change people and to try to influence them. I know where that got me. I do "give" to others but it is in a far less compulsive way.
I have definitely been a party to harassment, controlling communication and felt off kilter around certain people. The important thing for me to learn was that on some level they wanted to upset me and indeed when I was upset they kept at it even more. When I got to the point of not responding when they did something deliberately to get me they stopped and detached. I am not sure that not replying to an email constitues consent especially if there are really demanding emails. I think some people might interpret it as not having time to answer.
I know that when some people interpret my behavior and try to chronicle it that drives me up the wall. In fact I recently had a coworker deliberate around some of my behavior to a former co worker right in front of me and I was really upset. Then I had to take another look at that co worker who is chronically angry, resentful, envious and feels disempowered all the time. I can't undo the fact she did that but I can look at here in far less "rosy" terms. Of course the issue was that I didn't want to be seen in that way but I have absolutely no control over how people "see" me.
One of my core issues around an alcoholic is that I go to the wrong person for solace,validation and help. I keep going back there and my annoyance and resentment at them escalates in full blown obsession. I know now that the ex A will never understand how his behavior affected me, he will always interpret me as the demanding one and he will always minimize whatever I did for him. I am sure he has even concocted his view of my having to take custody of our dogs. In fact he tells certain people I "stole" them. Yep I stole them out of being neglected all right! I can go back to resenting and obessing about him anytime I want but that isn't going to make him change his view of me.
I think it is great you can be clear, honest and precise about what triggers you that is the key to getting to the point where the trigger runs right past you.
I too stole my sons dog ( yep stole him from being neglected ) The dog was so sick it cost me over a thousands dollars in vet bills.) Today the dog is a healthy, happy little girl. I only wish I could steel the kids & save them. The only thing I can do for them is be here for them & ask my higher power to protect them & look after myself.
Sending love & support to all of you.
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Icie
"Holding a grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die..."
the moment I read about "records" and such, I felt that he was manipulating you or something. Pardon me if I am wrong. This made me cringe. I feel that this person is avoiding talking and just hiding behind "email" and maybe trying to intimidate you with this "records" business.
Again, it's just my own interpretation. It made me feel yucky, seeing you being treated this way. (If this is what's going on)
A healthy relationship is where ppl are not afraid to talk face to face about important things and this is important---it's about your relationship and his problems with your boundaries. He's hiding behind his email and confusing things.
I will pray for you and yours.
Allie
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Alanon is about self-care, not caring for the alcoholic.
Thanks for the comments and support, everyone. I feel much more at peace at the moment. We were able to talk about the kids on the phone yesterday and although I am not happy that he is insisting on time with them alone without me, I told him I would agree to arranging those times until we are able to see the pastor Thursday. I am realizing how I question myself too much (in general) and I allow him to control too much (not setting boundaries). We have a couple other guys from our church who are going to meet with us in the mean time. I don't know how helpful this will be, but I am praying that it is of some help. No easy fixes here, though. I think that it didn't get broke overnight and it's not going to get fixed overnight. I am only responsible for me and I need God to help me with that, because I can't even do that on my own strength. I really feel like He is helping me, though! I am praying that when I do get into the meeting with pastor and the men from church that I won't get defensive or cower away from the situation. I need help to view this thing soberly, so to speak. :) Thanks for listening.
This is so my stuff, however that being said .. I strongly caution you in taking what the Pastor says as gospel unless you are dealing with a Pastor who has an education in addiction. Most Pastors don'tn really get what it means to be in an alcoholic/addict marriage. I have been blessed to attend a church that has 2 Pastors who really get what addiction is and that you can't always stay in a marriage where this is the driving force of the marriage.
Please keep that in mind as you speak to him (I'm guessing it's a male pastor), do you have reason to be concerned about him spending time with the kids alone? I only ask because this is something I want in the divorce decree that if there is anything regarding alcohol or police involvement that there will be automatic supervised visits with the kids that will include a SCRAM bracelet or someone else present during that time. He's on supervised probation now for a DUI that happened in 2010. There was an incident as far as him drinking while he was with the kids during a visitation day. I did nip as much as I could at that point. It scared him enough he went back on his script meds again .. don't know if that's a good thing or not .. at least he knows I'm straight up serious about the consequences of those actions and protecting the kids as much as possible.
I also picked up on control/manipulation regarding emails, so be aware that now is the time to keep your program very close and if you have a sponsor now is the time to dive into your own program of recovery. It makes a huge huge huge difference. That being said the more you change the more he will be challenged to do things to force you to change back to what he can control. I'm still dealing with some of that myself. The reality is I'm not going to back down now.
Anyway, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I really dont know from where to start.Though I am in this program for almost a year now but at times I just cant handle the situation.Small small things just turn me down ans I react to the situations created by my alcoholic husband.It is taking a toll on my health.
