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I've been doing good minding my own business and concentrating on me and now the ex is leaving me messages about how bad his life is. Problems at work, his health and paying bills. Never mentions the drinking so I do not either. Telling me how he hears songs that remind him of me and he crys and he misses me but no mention of getting help or getting back together. I say nothing but I'm sorry you are having these problems. I can tell things are really getting bad for him and know I can't do anything to change that. I am wondering however, how far does detachment go. I thought about telling him get sober and come home, knowing he won't do this and it would put a stop to this, but there is a part of me thats afraid he might take me up on the offer and I'm not wanting to be with him. I could say you made your choice and unless you get sober don't contact me, but we don't talk about the drinking. I would really just like to say, are you ready to get help yet? but, I don't know if that is appropriate or I just keep doing as I'm doing and wait until it fizzles out. I can tell it is really getting out of control and he is likely to end up in some legal problems and that still bothers me, but I am biting my tounge as it is none of my business or is it? I don't want to live with him, but I do care what happens to him. What is reasonable to say? When he is fighting or being aggresive I can put him in his place, but knowing that he is spiraling further I don't know what is right or wrong and don't want to make the situation worse? I'm worrying about him when I am in dire need of a job and when I tell him the issues I'm having he doesn't even respond except to say sorry that my aunt passed? I'm starting to second guess myself and maybe he's not as bad as it sounds and he's trying to manipulate me. Does this ever end?
I hear you and do understand and am glad that you shared your concern and pain. It is very human to be concerned about others. Thank God for alanon where I was given the tools to have empathy and compassion for others while staying focused on myself and taking care of my own issues and feelings. Worrying about, taking care of and and fixing otheres always took me away from my problems and that is one of the reasons that I did it.
Before alanon I thought I was a very compassionate person but when alanon asked me to examine my motives, I found that :Yes I was compasionate, and kind and I was also very terrified of facing and solving my own problems . I jumped into others problems for that reason and believed that they should, in turn turn around and take care of me and "Fix my Problems". Actually that was one of my true defects. I did not give without expectation so I was always hurt or disappointed by others and my problems were not addressed.
I found praying for direction, meetings, and staying focused on what I needed to do for myself helped me to stop worrying about someone that I was powerless over and placed my problems in a poition to be solved
JJ - my question is "What is in this for you?" Why torment yourself and keep obsessing over his situation and how he will respond to what you say? You can say whatever you want but you are powerless over what he does. That is step 1 in a nutshell.
It doesn't matter what you say. Don't stress over it. You can say "I think you need to stop drinking and then those problems will likely go away." Yes, you can say that. If I consider a person to be my friend, I do generally feel I need to tell them things straight up, but with some tact and caring too. It's not healthy to have a friendship where you ignore elephants in the room. If you choose to stay in contact you CAN talk about the problem but still detach from the actual disease and what he does with it.
If that is too much, you might choose to walk away completely....and that would be an okay decision cuz standing around and watching someone kill themself is not your responsibility and you have to save yourself.
Alanon is about YOUR serenity. It's not about what you might say to him to better influence him, best empathize...whatever. It's about letting go of that and making the choices that lead to YOUR serenity.
It's such an irrational force that is completely unreasonable, there is no logic to it all.
I'm an only child and my mom is an only child, this summer her last living relative on my Grandma's side passed away, a great aunt. We had planned a big trip to CA with the kids so they could see her. When I told the A in my life that she passed away before we got out there his response was I'm sorry about your aunt. Are you still going on the trip? Well, NOW I know why he had that response, he had vacation time he wanted to take and he was taking it while we were gone. Never mind he refused to take time after the kids got home after being gone for 20 days, I didn't realize he had already taken vacation time, this at least explains soooo much as to what his behavior was during that time. He can't think in terms of other people, this is includes his own children .. his brain is only focused on what HE gets out of the situation not how it affects anyone else. He just can't do it.
What Pink has suggested as far as what's in it for you .. trust me when I say .. the A in my life could care less what I'm going through, he only is focused on his next feel good whatever that is, drink, drugs, or sex. I am never going to find bread at the emotional hardware store. I will never be able to say just the right thing or do just the right thing to make him realize the pain he is causing to himself and other people. I have to stick him in my God box and allow God to sort him out.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Personally I think worrying about the ex A was a great distraction for me. That obsession certainly filled up my entire life I didn't have time to think about much else. And he was certainly very happy about that. These days when I meet people who are demanding at first it seems nice because after all they are focused on me aren't they? But the focus is not healthy there have to be boundaries, limits and respect. I know I tend to go full throttle into everything. I start out a relationship, friendship with huge expectations and are sorely disappointed when the person is what actually human after all.
An alcoholic is a great project for us, if only they would do this that or the other we would be happy. Nowadays I know that no one else can make me happy, save me from myself or get me a job! I leaned on the ex A as much as he leaned on me. We colluded with each other that not being responsible was actually okay because after all our life was full of these people who were not being kind to us! We also spent a lot of time resenting and hating each other for wanting so much for the other to change. I dont doubt the alcoholic in your life is wanting you to change as much as you want them to change. Unfortunately the change is to go back to whatever way you let them totally dominate your life.
I know full well how hard it is to pull yourself out of full blown obsession and worry. I also know that we can do it one day at a time. I can make lists of what I need to do, start them work on where I need to be in months to come. I can work on what kind of job I need rather than what I am forced to accept.
The fact you are aware that being obsessed about the alcoholic isn't working for you is the first step. Some people never get to that they spend their whole lives lost in others.
I decided last night that I was gonna pray and turn it over. I have bad PMS and this is when this always gets to me. So I'm sitting in the car waiting for my mom and praying and a car pulls in the spot next to me and it was the exact same car as my husband's which broke down. How funny is that. I hope that means the prayer was heard. You are all right. I do need to ask myself before I do things for others if they don't respond the way I want - how am I going to feel. I do for others too and thinks its selfless and then I find myself hurt and realize I had expectations of things turning out a certain way. He is very selfish and is good to me, when it benefits him too. My uncle died and he was so upset that I was going to drive four hours to be with my family and cousins for the wake he actually said, "well what the hell do you need to go there for he's already dead." He wanted to use the money I was taking for gas for some gadgets for his car.
I get worried but I don't react anymore so I see progress and just need to keep moving in the direction that is best for me. I have been working a fourth step and doing good so I will dive back in. I believe a few more weeks/months and I will end all contact because he is not changing and I don't feel that a friendship where I am still walking on eggshells not to set him off or hurt him is healthy for me.
