The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have not been active on this site for almost a year now. Shame on me. I got married last Fall and thought he would change. Of course he didn't. Our first year of marriage, much like the 2 years we dated before that, have been him drinking in the afternoons before I get home from work, then trying to lie about it and cover it up. He doesn't drink in front of me, but I can always tell when he has been drinking. It happens about once or twice a week nowadays. Used to be 3-4 days a week.
However, I know he has a problem and he knows it too. He has cried rivers, begged forgiveness, made empty promises. He says he wants to change, that he doesn't want to be sick anymore. All the things I want to hear, right? But he says he doesn't like AA because he is not sure he believes in God and has a problem with the whole Higher Power concept. He is in counseling that is costing us $60 per week (very expensive for us). He claimed it's helping him, but he is still actively drinking. Last night (while somewhat drunk) he proclaimed he needs to go to rehab. I think to myself "finally, I will get some peace and quiet in this house and he will get the help he needs."
Here are my issues with it. #1 He works through a temp agency so he will not be getting paid while in rehab. I have crunched the numbers and I think I could make it for a month without his wages. But, how much does rehab typically cost? #2 This temp agency will fill his spot while he is gone, thus ending his job. He will have to wait around until they find him another assignment that he qualifies for. We cannot afford to live on my salary alone. Plus him not having a job is just idle time on his hands, you know? What do I do to maintain the household and pay all the bills if he can't find work when he gets out?
So, I said to him that coming out of rehab, they would tell him to do 90 AA meetings in 90 days. I told him to talk to his counselor and see if he can start with that, rather than start with rehab. I don't know if he will have that conversation with the counselor or not. But it just seems to me that AA is FREE and seems to work for the vast majority of people who really want to make it work, so why not start with that?
Any insight anyone can share would be much appreciated.
Hi... first off, trust your instincts, but remember that they are YOUR instincts..... yes, AA is free, and the best way for him to choose a life of complete sobriety.... but that is rational, informed, and NOT where he is at right now....
My guess (and only a guess), is that he likes the sound of Rehab because it sounds far easier to him, than does a life of sobriety, meetings, and commitment to his sobriety - kind of like a 'quick fix' kind of thing..... Don't get me wrong - Rehab can play a huge, important role in anyone's recovery, but it just sounds like he is looking for the path of least resistance....
My A used a dozen or more excuses as to why AA was not the right solution for her....
"those people are stuck.... I want to move forward"
"those are real drunks..... I am not that bad"
"only weak people go to AA" (and/or "I am strong enough to do this on my own")
The HP excuse is just that - an excuse.... his HP can be the group itself, or anything that he chooses to believe in....
I get back to one of my favorite lines....
He will either drink (or go to rehab, or avoid AA, or whatever) or he won't... what are YOU gonna do??
Choose recovery.... for YOU.
Glad you are back, and hope we keep seeing you
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thank you Tom, I like what you had to say. I guess the other nagging question for me is when is enough enough and I just walk away from him? Funny, too, I have heard all those same lines on why not to go to AA.
Speaking totally from personal experience, Rehab is only a beginning - it will get you clean & sober and set you on a path to recovery but without following up with some sort of support group, it's only the 'quick-fix' as Tom put it.
For me, the desire to go into rehab was like asking to be put into solitary confinement where I knew I would not have access to alcohol/drugs because I didn't feel I had the strength to get past 30days w/o using. I followed up with AA because I knew I was weak and was not ashamed to admit it.
Today I'm clean & sober for 23yrs with one relapse that came when I stopped going to my support group. Also, I am the mother of an A son and believe that he can get to where he wants to be if he continues to work HIS program with AA.
My hubby never went to rehab either. He got a drunk driving ticket and did 90 in 90 to impress the judge. Then he stayed in AA because he wanted to keep his job. The point is, when they decided for themselves that they want to stop drinking alcohol, they will find a reason. Everyone's bottom is different. He will make up his mind whether he is in rehab or not. He will make up his own mind whether he goes to AA or not. So now, watch his actions and dont believe his words. He will tell you by his actions what he decides.
And what Tom says is true.....what are YOU going to do no matter what HE does????? You don't have to walk away until you decide the time is right. You will know when you know and then no one will be able to talk you out of it. Until then, just wait for clarity.
Wow you guys here really do understand! Thank you very much for the words of encouragement. My AH told me today via text message this he was not able to get in contact with his counselor yet. But he said he knows what he has to do, that he is tired of living like this. He is at an AA meeting right now. Praying that he means what he says.
And Path to Serenity - congrats on your sobriety. That is amazing! I am sure it's a struggle every day. Keep up your good work!
I agree with Tom 100 percent. I believe rehab is indicated when a person cannot even put 1 foot in front of the other to get to an AA meeting. It's money that is needlessly spent if the person is not open to doing whatever it takes for recovery during and afterwards.
Can't he go on disability while he is in rehab. In theory he is ill. Maybe a doctor can help you out. Some income is better than no income.
The other thing is you can wait for him to be laid off, if he is a temp he will be at some time. Then while he is on unemployment explore the rehab issue.
Thank you both for these comments. I truly appreciate the time you each have taken to read and reply. My AH is at his second AA meeting in 2 days. I am actually surprised by this. He told me today that he is sick and tired of being sick and tired and that only he can change his life. I only pray he continues on this journey and doesn't give up.
Thank you again. These boards and the people on them are true blessings. With Love, November Sunflower
I really hope you will get the book Getting them Sober. Having a realistic expectation is so key in dealing with an alcoholic early in recovery. I know that I felt the problem was entirely "his" when I got here. The problem was actually all me. Certainly the ex A made life incredibly difficult, chaotic and miserable. My response to his addiction and my attitude towards life in general was not exactly healthy. When I could get beyond him to looking at myself was when I started to feel a whole lot better.
