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Hi. I'm not really sure how to start. I'm pretty new to Al-Anon, just over 30 days.
My Alcoholic is my wife. At the beginning of August she was diagnosed with a heart condition brought on by her drinking. After that, she tried to quit for a while, but the periods of sobriety are really sporadic. She was going to AA for a while, but hasn't gone for probbaly a month because she is an Atheist and could not reconcile the higher power thing. She won't go back, but still says she wants to quit; she just says she'll do it on her own. This (surprise!) has not been effective at all.
I guess my question is, for those of you with alcoholic spouses, why do you stay? I love her, but the stress and anxiety and everything else is just so overwhelming that sometimes the though of getting a divorce seems like it would be a huge relief.
To make matters worse, aside from alcoholism she also has schizoaffective disorder, which is basically like a combination of bipolar and some psychotic symptoms (mostly hearing voices.) This in and of itself sometimes makes our relationship difficult, but I've accepted that part of her as something she can't change.
I guess I'm still having a hart time seeing her alcoholism as a disease. I know that it's possible for her to recover, because people have done it. And while I understand that getting sober is hard work that takes time, I don't know how to tell if she really is trying, like she says she is, or if all of that is just a lie because she wants to keep drinking. So much of the time, I feel like I've reached my limit in patience.
I'm going to go to a meeting tomorrow, but I just needed a place to vent in the middle of the night. :) Thanks for listening.
Just like you accepted the mental disorders, you may come to accept the alcoholism in the same way. You can accept it, and the take action for yourself, whatever that may look like. You don't have to make any decisions today. I have a hard time seeing the alcoholism as a disease, as well, especially when there's a lot of chaos and craziness attached to it that makes my head spin. Have you tried Al Anon meetings for yourself? Oh, wait, you said you were going to a meeting today. If that one doesn't do it for you, though, try another. Each meeting has it's own feel. Getting your own sponsor and working the steps will bring you peace, as well.
As to why we stay: oh, you'll get a myriad of reasons from various people. Some are selfish reasons, some are fears, some are just plain old because we love them. My reasons are because I still have hope, I have a special needs child whom I homeschool and I want to continue to homeschool him and I don't work so I am financially dependent on my Ah, too. I also stay because I realize that I have a lot of work to do on myself and that even if I leave my marriage, I still have to take ME with ME so I might as well make use of my time and figure out what part I play in all of this.
My AH has also said that he can quit on his own. Last week he proclaimed that he needs AA to quit (he said this after a blackout while on a work trip in Vegas) but he hasn't gone to a meeting yet. Anyway, I don't believe much of what he says. Their actions will show us who they really are, in the meantime take care of you. FYI: there are other recovery programs out there like SMART that are not spiritually based, has she looked into other options?
Tough questions. The part about not going to AA because of being atheist...That's generally just an excuse. AA could not be more insistant that you get to choose your HP and it can even be the group of people you find at meetings. There are other recovery program out there, but almost nobody gets sober by sitting around just "wanting" to be sober. Hence, when you say "is she really trying?" you can already answer that probably.
It's going to be harder for her to get sober with the challenges you mentioned, but certainly not impossible. Similarly, alcohol is going to greatly exacerbate her mental health problems and you and her wont know how bad her mental health problems are and how well her medications may work unless she is sober. The work it takes to get sober is typically obvious to others. You will know when she is trying because it will show in her actions and not just her words and promises.
Glad you found us redacted! You will find here a place of solace and understanding. Has your wife tried reading the chapter in the Big Book of AA entitled "We Agnostics"? A line out of it reads, "To one who feels he is an atheist or agnostic, such an experience seems impossible, but to continue as he is means disaster, especially if he is an alcoholic of the hopeless variety. To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face." But ultimately you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink! Al-anon is for you and to help you cope.
I also understand coping with schizoaffective disorder, they thought my bi-polar husband had that when he went through a nervous breakdown in 1998 after starting to deal with the sexual abuse by his Alcoholic father. He literally seemed like two different people at times. They ruled it out, but I still think at times he has it. Also in the chapter "To the wives (or husbands in your case... the Big Book was first published in 1939, so it was a little biased! lol) it addresses mental health disorders on page 114, "Sometimes there are cases where alcoholism is complicated by other disorders. A good doctor or psychiatrist can tell you whether these complications are serious. In any event, try to have your husband (or wife) read this book. His reaction may be one of enthusiansm. If he (she) is already commited to an institution, but can convience you and your doctor that he means business, give him a chance to try our method, unless the doctor thinks his mental condition too abnormal or dangerous. We make this recommendation with some confidence. For years we have been working with alcoholics committed to institutions. Since this book was first published, AA has released thousands of alcoholics from asylums and hospitals of every kind. The majority have never returned. The power of God goes deep!"
Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
Welcome.. the others have already given you some awesome feedback, so I'll just say "glad you are here", from another guy, whose (now ex) wife is an alcoholic, now ten years in recovery.
I stayed for as long as I could handle it, and in the end, I couldn't stay any longer.... it's a nasty, insidious, and confusing disease..... To me, there is no question that it IS, indeed, a disease, but what separates it out from most others - is there is an element of choice involved for her. The best analogy I have heard, for comparison purposes, is that it is like a diabetic who chooses not to take their insulin.
She is either gonna drink (or feign resistance to AA, or make a multitude of excuses, etc), or she won't... what are YOU gonna do?
Choosing a program of recovery - for you - is the answer
Keep coming back
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
You already have received great advice. I agree that you don't have to make a choice right now, and one thing about Al Anon is learning to find your serenity, your happiness and stability despite the A in your life. For some that means they leave, for some that means they learn to stay and not feel as affected and not take on the A's problems for ourselves. You've come to a great place for support, and the face to face meetings you are going to will be the best form of support. Take care of yourself.
Aloha Redacted and welcome to the board of MIP. I'm in support. You have received very good ESH from the membership and that is how we get to have other opinions and suggestions to look over and walk thru. It is what saved my sanity early on in program. My wife was an alcoholic/addict and I knew absolutely nothing about the disease and didn't know that I didn't know. Although later on in recovery I discovered that I was born and raised in it we never said alcoholic, alcoholism or drunk in my family...that would have been disrespectful. I kept doing what I new by habit...hanging with drinkers and users and marrying some of them. Disease? I was glad to learn that it was from the AMA definition of alcoholism that we use to read before each and every meeting. I was relieved because it was hard carrying the resentment that she drank and used the way she did just to hurt me and I really wanted to stop considering her a bitch. She became a very sick person and since compassion and forgiveness are only two characteristics of Love my feelings about and for her changed dramatically and I could move on toward detachment.
I went to college on the disease of alcoholism and it really is a disease...a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body which can never be cured; only arrested by total abstinence. It is an addiction where the alcoholic has lost the ability to choose where or whenever they drink and how to stop. If not arrested by total abstinence it gets progressively worse and will result in insanity and/or death. It affects everyone it comes into contact with, the family, friends, business associates and we become just as crazy as the alcoholic or worse because we don't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality. We also affect everyone we come into contact with. Of course I know all of this because it is what happened with and to me and why I am a lifetime member of the Al-Anon Family Groups.
I was told that Al-Anon is a simple program for complicated people and that was true for me. Trying to work my program while at the same time the Al-Anon program was a major confusion and in time I learned from others and from practice to morph my program into the Al-Anon Program. My program of course was the what I use to do and not do within the disease of alcoholism using my own head. "If you could have thought your way out of this, I was told, you would have long ago and wouldn't be here now." The same goes for your alcoholic...it is often said in AA that you cannot get sober using the same brain you drank with. Like PinkChip said...using atheism as a reason not to attend AA is an excuse to keep drinking. The book has answers for that and the fellowship and meetings do also. When I got into Al-Anon and was having trouble with a Higher Power I learned how to reduce my Higher Power down to the smallest useable terms; a "Door Knob" is what I was taught..."because you can't open a new door without one". Later it became my home group and today the God of my understanding made entry thru the culture I was raised in.
The first step door for me was admitting I was powerless over the disease and my alcoholic/addict wife and then the practice of self focus because I also had a part to play in the insane dysfunction of the marriage. The solutions are in the program...Do as many meetings as you can for the next 60 days and come here often. You cannot change her whereas another recovering alcoholic woman might do much better all the way around. Turn her over to YOUR higher power and keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
I know some people whose health has been destroyed from alcoholism. The ex A had two major life threatening illnesses. Nothing but nothing stopped him using. In fact he never wanted to stop. He wanted me to stop asking him to take care of himself. There were times when he plateaued out but there were also times when he just lashed out at me day and night.
I can very much understand why you beat yourself up for staying. Stayed or leaving both require a lot of courage and determination. Leaving a marriage doesn't happen overnight.
I am glad you are looking at your issues and willing to ask for help. That's a big step.
Why and how do spouses stay...the million $$ question. Im marr in ah and we have ut all...lovely home, child, success...we also have alc...his....ours to live witg, his to suffer with. Ive sted going into my 14th year. Its not easy....the biggest motivator i have for staying is my child...i didnt have her to then have to share her...no way no how. I spend 2_3 nights alone while he goes doen the compuksive driven, alergy invested road that leads to bars and dellow drinkers...while im home trying to retain my sanity, trying to stay strong an positve for my child, somtimes turningvto tgese boards for understanding.not sure ive gottent too far in my own process...maybe a bit less hurt and angry. U kniw its nit me...uts his compulsion, his addiction. Does it stilk hurt...yup...but I hurt for my child not me. Shes helpless in this..im choosing to stay so my fiest compuksion is to be the best mom I can despite the ah in my life. Not easy...lots of unkept promises, lonely nights and mised family times...but I stay. Keep reading here...there is wonderful wisdom, no judging and simply a chance to find you admist the chaos. Good luck ...God bless
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
