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My baby brother is 20, is an addict and has been homeless since my mom kicked him out. Previous to this he was 1 year in AA going to meetings daily. He was doing so well. I haven't slept, ate, or functioned very well since he has been out on the street. My mom is following the alanon approach and are no longer enabling him to use. I have since been to 2 alanon meetings. I understand the philosophy and read the statistics, so alanon does make sense. I'm learning to detach with love right now. He refuses to get clean at this point. I spoke with him recently and he told me he had been physically assaulted and that scary things have happened on the street. KNowing my brother has been beaten up is so horrible I cant deal right now. What if it is worse next time, or he gets killed? The neighborhood my mom lives in is not very safe when you live in a house, let alone on the street. I guess my question to those in alanon for some time, is why is letting my brother be homeless okay? I get he needs to hit rock bottom. Yes, enabling him will let him keep using and will not help i get that. But, at this point, I'm worried he may die from physical assault. I want to follow alanon but part of me is like "OKay, I'd rather have an addict brother who is alive than a homeless addict brother getting beaten to death." The statistics for homeless people getting physically or sexually assaulted is 40 time higher than the general population. A recent study showed 37% of homeless people have been assaulted physically or sexually in the past year. He said he was beaten up, how can I go on knowing that his life may be in danger. Alanon members, please help me on this one.
Sam, I know this may sound harsh, but the reality of it is he may die of the addiction whether you try to "save" him from the streets or not. Saving him from the dangers of the streets is not saving him from death. Addicts and Alcoholics have a saying, "You either get locked up, covered up (dead) or sobered up," there are only three choices for an addict/alcoholic to go. What you CAN do is go to al-anon for you and be the best YOU you can be! Sometimes when we set boundaries and practice "tough love" the addict/alcoholic is able to "hit" bottom and get the help that they need, but they sure won't if we keep enabling them. I had a sponsor once whose son was homeless due to drugs and alcohol. The way she goes on, knowing is life is in danger is by allowing him to sleep on the couch when it is below freezing. When the temps return to above freezing he can't stay in her home anymore, as long as he is using. We each do what we have to do in order to live with our decisions. I think the biggest thing that will help in this situation is prayer. Turning him over to the God of your Understanding and daily prayer can relieve you of some of your worries... Let Go and Let God take care of your baby brother, he loves him too!
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
Sam - You asked "Is it okay to let my brother be homeless?" It has nothing to do with you "letting." He is doing that to himself all on his own. The guilt you are feeling is from assuming it's your job to protect him. He has got to learn to care about himself or he will be "carried" forever.
As a recovering alcoholic, I honestly feel like death would be better than going on living that way. I am glad I found recovery and was blessed to not have to die...That's just my feeling having been through it. You are saying you would rather have an "alive addict brother".... That is like a "pet cemetary" scenario where you keep someone alive but they are a zombie version of what they are supposed to be. It's what "you" want...It's not necessarily what he wants or what your HP wants. I don't know what is in the cards for you brother. I pray that recovery is his path....but it's his path and not yours.
Last week I just heard a 20 year old tell her story in AA. She had just gotten 1 year of continuous sobriety. She is down here in Florida because her parents cut her off and she went to rehab down here and stayed. It's rare, but the only time I ever hear of a person that age achieving long term sobriety is usually when they are financially cut off by their family.
Whatever happens, it's not your fault. Just know that. You are not responsible for sticking a pillow underneath his butt so that he doesn't hit bottom hard. Alcoholics and addict flirt with death until they either hit bottom or keep on going until it happens....it's horrible to watch but it's not in your power to change.
I think the hardest thing for us to really grasp is that, it's not our place to worry about their choices more than they do. He has choices, options in his life to live this way or not. He might tell you for sympathy but if he felt as concerned as you - would he continue to choose that life? If so, that is his choice as an adult. That is so hard to really sit back and understand, we confuse love for enabling and codependency. "If we love them then we will save them from themselves". The reality is, we just make hitting bottom take that much longer and get that much bigger. Give him to your HP, if you pray, then pray. Whatever you do, when you face something you cannot control - do that now. You cannot fix him, he has to fix himself. It's so awesome that your family is getting involved in Al Anon, that will help everyone, including him.
Thank you all for your caring and quick responses, they really helped me see this in a different way. I really appreciate the kindness and understanding that you all and Al anon has to offer. I understand now that my brother does have a choice and if being homeless was uncomfortable or scary enough to him than he would choose recovery. It's hard, but I'm trying to remind myself that I'm robbing him of his dignity when I think he can't make his own choices. I have no control and he is an adult. It's hard knowing he's out there and knowing he's suffering. I'm filled with so much fear and anxiety. I'm trying to focus on getting myself the help I need through Al anon and counseling. I'm just going to continue to pray and pray and pray.
