The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I realize that whatever another person does, it should not affect me in my own decisions or actions.
There is this slogan in Al Anon that goes soemwhat like that: 'He is gonna drink or not drink, what are you goanna do?' and it says a lot.
But still, today I feel somewhat confused because I am together with my ABF, dry for the moment...but he gets my head spinning. i would just like to see wether it's our 2 personalities clashing for cultural reasons or it's some effect of alcohol or what. He changes his mind and opinions in a heartbeat. One day he is completely convinced of an idea and seems to wanna work it through, one day he falls out in the complete other direction. It's just difficult to know what he really wants or even believes. It's like he is restless. I kind of know that behaviour from myself...when I'm scared of changing. When i feel that change is ahead and inevitable but i cannot decide to make the right move and find excuses.
Do some of you recognize this pattern... some ESH?
I am a bit over analytical here, but i need to understand what is going on in order to better deal with it.
In my experience, it can also just be moodiness or impulsiveness. I'm not sure it means that a change is in the offing. It may just mean he's moody or impulsive.
OH geez, I could have posted a similar story just this past weekend!!!
We had to put our dog down and my son and I were leaving on Friday for a tennis tournament. Son didn't want to be around if the dog was going to be put down so I told AH to do it on Friday. He kept making excuses as to how he was going to keep the dog alive(she was paralyzed due to a brain tumor and was obviously suffering) over the weekend and wait for us to come home. He yelled at me, "If you want the dog killed tomorrow, fine I'll do it. I'll have the vet come and kill her for you." Umm, no, what I said was that the dog was suffering and that I wanted to be compassionate and merciful to her so she needs to be put down. I'm not a monster and I think this is in her best interest.
He went on to say that our son needed to be around so that he can appreciate the pain of putting down a dog so that if son wants a puppy in the future, he'll remember this incident. OK, whatever. We put our other dog down 2 years ago and the kid has been to 2 funerals in the past year(my dad and AH's dad), I think he's been through enough this year, UGH! So, I finally said, "Do whatever you feel is right, but we're leaving and the dog is in your care now."
Later in the day I texted him and he said to call him. I did and he told me he had the dog put down and was planning on doing it all along. I was confused because of his attitude earlier and he said that he didn't want me to spill the beans to our son and ruin his tennis tournament. This completely contradicts his attitude from earlier in the day and I was kinda ticked off that he didn't tell me he was going to put the dog down after all. What normal human being doesn't tell their spouse when they're going to put their beloved family pet down?
Anyway, I totally understand what you're talking about and because this is so fresh in my mind, I feel like I hijacked your thread. I constantly question what my AH believes or wants because it changes with the wind.
Boy have I been there and done that too...until program where I learned to allow my alcoholic/addict to be crazy and not hang on to her tow hitch. She is not me; I am not her...I am me and she can be who and what she wants for the moment and I don't have to play into it. It helps if I have focus, goals and interests of my own rather than running just within the "ours" attitude. Gaining control of my own life and allowing her to be responsible for hers kept us not on the same track in the same train car but on parallel directions moving at different speeds. She and I use to amaze each other as to how so different we could be from each other and still live in the same house and then that at times is how it is supposed to be because that is how we were created...differently and the same. It still is that way today and I have a different wife and the difference between how it comes out today as opposed to how it didn't in the past is my program. My wife is allowed to be herself and I am responsible for me.
It takes time working new ideas and perceptions...If you don't have some of the Al-Anon daily readers or How Al-Anon Works...order them and read how others have gone thru this.
Life is too short and there is too much in it for me to spend all my time worrying about what is on someone else's mind and what their motivation is. It's enough work just to figure myself out. If I connect with my current partner, great! I'm no longer spending time worrying and playing psychic detective with regard to a crazy alcoholic's busted thinking. OMG what a relief!
I think when I am trying to influence another person I am in deep trouble. These days when someone is not happy with me I can accept it. Of course I don't live with them. I do live around people who are volatile though and I have had to learn boundaries and enforce them.
The issue always come back to me. How can I take care of me. I like the concept of dial up and dial down. If I am around someone who is being obnoxious to me or obnoxiouc around me I have to dial down the relationship.
