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You know the song "Whats love got to do with it", that should be the anthem for the spouses of alcoholics.
You will always miss him. I have been divorced 5 years and I miss those good times and we dont have children together, just the ones he Fathered with another woman. LOL, see I can even make a joke about it.
Your too soon into the being apart and its hard. Nothing wrong with having him there for Birthday parties, but Im sure just like the typical A, he wouldnt show up. I prefer to say that the A doesnt choose over anything, he's just sick and he cant help it. Until then he pays the price. Don't victimize yourself , because thats what it sounds like.
My X husband was estranged from his son all this boys life, the boy was brought up by the Uncle. My X would cry over it all the time,(fuel for the drinking), when the boy was 17, he called wanted to come and see my X and spend sometime. My X said no, at that time the X was bingeing all the time, couldnt sober up for a few days to even spend time. Even with the opportunity in front of him, he refused. So much for the crying.
If there's a chance for your husband's sobriety, you must stay strong. Tell him when you are sober, call me and mean it. That day may or may not happen, thats the reality of Alcoholism. We cant wish for it to be different, but we can react differently for the sake of our own lives.
Keep coming back.
Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 1st of October 2012 07:15:57 PM
My AH called me over the weekend and left a message on my answering machine. Told me that he had called our health insurance company to see about getting back into treatment (this would be the third time in two and a half months) and it 'wasn't looking good." I knew that was a lie, they would never tell him they wouldn't give him a referral or allow him to seek treatment. The case manager herself had spoken with me and advised that he go back to detox. Then he started crying and went on to say how much he still loves me, referred to me by the nickname he gave me when we first started dating, and how much he missed me and the boys.
I cried all day yesterday. I am just having a really hard time accepting who he has become and what he has done to our family. Every now and again it becomes very real and I get so angry. Then I think back to the person he is, or was before the alcholism took over and it makes me so incredibly sad. There was a lot of love in our family. We didn't have much besides that, but to me it was worth a lot. Now when I think about birthdays, holidays, etc. without him here, I get so depressed. It would almost be better if he had died. Then I would be sad, but I wouldn't be so hurt that he continues to choose his alcohol over my children and me.
I'm confused as to whether this means I am having trouble detaching or not. Does detachment mean I've accepted that he's going to drink no matter what I do, or does it mean I learn to let him go and not care anymore? I attended a state-mandated seminar for divorcing parents over the weekend. One of the things they talked about were the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance. I am finding myself fluctuating back and forth between the first four. Just when I think I am done with one stage and moving into the next, something happens, or I find an old card or something sentimental, and I go right back. I am disgusted at myself for feeling this way, because obviously his first choice is not to be wtih us anymore. But I am just so lonely and weekends are so hard. I miss being able to talk to him. It's almost like the past couple of years never happened and I am only remembering what life was like before his drinking got so bad. Need some ESH, please.
I recently told me exAH during one of our phone calls that he was talking baout gett sober, that when that happens and he is way down that road and I am way down the road with my recovery and it is meant to be, it will be. I am seriously doubting it, but I have no idea what HP has planned or what even tomorrow will bring. I will love him always and I will always he can eventually get sober and healthy, but it will be a long hard road and I don't wish to intrude into it any longer. Sending you much love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
You have great ESH from Bettina and Breakingfree. Please be gentle with yourself. This is a very painful process.
Grieving , like recovery does not happen on a schedule . Just keep using your tools, live one day at a time, stay focused on your gratitude list pray, get to meetings, work the Steps and you will walk through this pain.
Does detachment mean I've accepted that he's going to drink no matter what I do, or does it mean I learn to let him go and not care anymore? I attended a state-mandated seminar for divorcing parents over the weekend. One of the things they talked about were the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance. I am finding myself fluctuating back and forth between the first four. Just when I think I am done with one stage and moving into the next, something happens...
For me holivex, detaching does not mean not loving him anymore, it means detaching in love (or with love). The best explanation I've heard for this is to envision that your wrapping your loved one in a warm blanket and then handing them over to God. Another similar visual that helps me with detaching is when I come home and the alcoholic is passed out on the floor and instead of waking him up and cussing him out, and trying to get him into bed; I detach, step over him and go on to bed. Detaching with love, is placing a blanket over him before going to bed.
I will always love the alcoholics in my life, that is a given. Whether or not I chose to have a relationship with them however depends on me. Some I chose too, and others I do not. For me the decision is based on where they are in their recovery, and if I can detach enough to maintain my own serenity and still be "with" them. I have been married four times, three of which were alcoholics, and one a sex addict. My last marriage was to a dry drunk, that had no program; he still has no program, but I love him. I have often asked myself the same question "why, why, why do I still have feelings for this man?" The answer... I just do, that's all. I just do. What I do with that information is totally up to me. Just for today, I live in one household and he lives in another (we have been divorced 3 years now), but we still have a relationship of sorts that works for us. A lot of my friends don't understand it, but they don't have to. I am the only one living my life, and the consequences thereof; and just for today I will chose to have him in it. I may not have him with me always, and I don't want to regret the choices I have made.
One thing I will say though, my serenity comes first today; and if he is messing with it I give myself a break from him. He does the same with me. (I am hard to live with too! ) But we have a better understanding of how to cope with each other today and to respect each others boundaries. If you can find that in a relationship, then you've found a lot.
Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
I love what Overcome has shared here. It's been one of the best descriptive ways to explain detaching with love. I have to admit that I don't even know what my feelings are for my AH most days, LOL! One day it's hate, the next day I see glimpses of what I love about him, and then the next day it's a mixed bag. I do know, though, that your Higher Power has YOU right where he wants you and he has your alcoholic right where HP wants him(or her), too. I find peace in knowing that I am right where I need to be, TODAY, and I don't need to question it. Some days are harder than others but I have accepted where I am and many of my friends think I'm crazy for staying, but it's my life and my choice. One day I may kick him out or I may move out, but again that's my life and my choice.
Maybe you can journal about what acceptance means to you? I struggle with acceptance and writing about it gives me some clarity so I can push forward to more awareness of being in the present, does that make sense. I spent so much time living in the past and then living in the future, that I'd forget about the present. You're working a great program, keep it up!
Holivex - the terms "detachment" and the stages of grief all just describe processes. When we try and fit out lives into neat categories, it doesn't always work. You are in a process of detaching, grieving, and coming to accept things that have occured and things you are still facing. There is nothing to feel disgusted about with regard to yourself. You can't put feeling better on a timeline. That is on your HPs timeline.
I agree with Bettina that an alcoholic doesn't "choose" drinking over their spouse. They are sick and busted and they don't see the writing on the wall even though it's so obvious to others. Entering into treatment is a choice and alcoholics do need to be held accountable and responsible for their actions, but it's not like anyone plans to be an alcoholic and a lose everything. It's something that grows insideously and before the person knows it, alcoholic has crept up and worked its way into their soul.
He might not always drink. I hold out hope for my ex-A to get sober, but ultimately, I don't care that much. It sounds harsh, but I guess I just recognized fully that I have zero power over it and my wishes regarding him were not going to affect what actually happens. I want him sober in about the same way I want world peace..."shrug" It sure would be nice...but oh well. It took a lot of time to get to that point.
In the meanwhile, I moved on and brought as much happiness and health into my life as I could. I was done riding the misery train with him. It was time to go in a different direction. I sense this from you too. This is where you are at. It doesn't make it easy but it's going to be okay.
I really relate and the conflicting feelings are very natural. I still love my AH and yet sometimes I despise him for everything he put me through. This continues even after he has been over a year sober. I don't think detaching means not caring, which is pretty much impossible, but it's sort of a sense that you give up the illusion to control. It is realizing that you just can't force the outcome of certain situations. When you give it over to another power, it becomes that much easier to deal with. Sending you esh!
I think detachment is a skill. Somedays I am pretty good at it. Other days I am not so good. I don't have a specific goal on what I want to do with it. I do know that I have to use the skill all the time. These days I am the most important person in my life. For most of my life I was the least important.
I can quickly get lost in wanting someone to be something and getting stuck on that. I have had to work hard to accept people as they are. That doesn't mean I particularly like their charactor traits. The issue is what's new is that I am not trying to change them.
I can't tell you any of this is an easy place to get to. I do know that I have limits these days. And one of those is being around people who use drugs or abuse me. If someone does that then I extricate myself pretty quickly. Of course so much of al anon is learning how to extricate, who are you. What do you want?
I have had to work really hard to learn to accept my life as it is today. For most of my life I hated everything about my life, envied everyone else and wanted to give up.
Today you don't have to give up. Practising detachment isn't easy. You don't get to lift a 300 lb weight straight away. Start with the 3 lb ones. Start detaching in the moment, see how it goes. When you slip, get back to detaching again.
I am in the same place. I have been detached and living my own live and he is spiraling more. He texts and tells me how miserable he is with work, health and never about the drinking. I do not mention it either and just tell him I'm sorry and he needs to be grateful for what he has. Now he is calling me by pets names as well and how he misses me and I just ignore it because I don't know what to say. I don't know what he wants and it's confusing me. I know without him getting help I don't want him in my life and I'm worried that he is going to end up in jail but I have kept my mouth shut and have not mentioned alcohol to him at all. I'm confused if I'm suppose to bring it up and tell him to get help or just keep ignoring it until it is something he brings up. I'm getting uncomfortable with his depressing texts and can see he is getting worse. He is hours away from me so it's not like he's going to show up so I just let it go and figure it will fizzle out. I could tell him not to contact me unless he gets clean but I'm afraid he's to depressed to even deal with that. How far does detachment go?
) But we have a better understanding of how to cope with each other today and to respect each others boundaries. If you can find that in a relationship, then you've found a lot.