"When in Doubt, Don't" or Staying Needlessly Stuck? - Al-Anon Family Group

nyc018 · Senior Member

"When in Doubt, Don't" or Staying Needlessly Stuck?

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Have you done the steps with a sponsor? When I did mine things became more clear. Sending you love and support!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

BIG HUGS!!!

This is where sponsorship is soooo huge just like BreakingFree has mentioned.

Something that has happened for me in working the steps with a sponsor is that the more I get to know myself the more trust that I have in the choices that I make. The relationship I have with my higher power is that much stronger I can hear clearer what HP wants for me. The only way I can do that though is for me to work the steps and find out what do I want, vs what does everyone else think I should do. What is best for me? What is my HP telling me?

That whole well don't just do something sit there reading always makes me laugh because what that means to me is I need to take time to listen to what my HP is telling me. Praying is talking to God, Meditation is listening. It helps me get out of my own way long enough to hear those answers. THEN it becomes am I really listening or am I only listening for the answer I want to hear. There are only 4 answers that God can give, Yes, No, Not now, and Ok if you insist. That Ok if you insist .. I would rather stay out of that one .. lol. I have been known to force my will a few times than not.

Sending you lots of love and support, I know I'm always in a hurry for an answer and wondering why in the world doesn't someone else just tell me what to do. :)

Hugs P :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I like that I learned here how we teach others how to treat us. My friends were all oh I knew this would happen. I said hey he is very sick, its a disease he did not choose. I was fortunate to have the time I did. My showing my resolve, changed how they spoke to me.

Same goes with family. I would say I learned to hate the disease not him. Then would let them know my boundaries as far as my own adult decisions.

You sound like you are doing very well! A year is nothing. If you guys are ok with how it is, that is all that matters. He is very sick and thank goodness he has his mom to help him during his recovery. Plus you are giving as much as you can!

Counseling might make things clearer for you. It's not like you are going to be pushed into anything. I would make sure the counselor knows about addiction, AA and Al Anon. It may help you to move fw when you are ready. You just said you are not. its ok to be where you are! No sense in forcing anything.

You sound like you are making great progress to me, mom and A too!

love,debilyn

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Since you are on the fence, what could therapy hurt? Anything that gives you a clearer direction as to which way to go is a good thing. It would probably help to explore exactly what the resentments are and what is at the bottom of the hateful feelings.

holivex · Veteran Member

I agree, going to therapy won't hurt. It will probably help guide you to your decision. Maybe that is what your HP is telling you, and has to do with your indecision.

Could it be that you don't feel like you have had the opportunity for closure? That's sort of what I am hearing you say...you have a lot of resentment, don't know that you can get past it, you want control, you feel like you are in limbo...but... I don't hear the words "I still love him". If you have stayed married out of guilt, obligation, and need some sort of way to tie up the loose ends, therapy will also help you achieve it.

One of the best pieces of advice I have been given for this exact same scenario came from my divorce attorney, of all people. She said "If you're standing on the edge of an abyss, and you feel pressured to jump but not sure that you want to, just stop, breathe, and don't jump." You still need time to sort through your feelings. You can't place a timeline on that.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha nyc...when I got that slogan from my sponsor he didn't mean to not do anything at all he mean't not to do anything about what it was I was trying to control for the moment. So often I did what was suggested here...leave it alone and go see my sponsor, get into the literature, go to a meeting, talk to my HP and turn it all over. Those were things I could do and I couldn't force an answer to the issue. Getting stuck means having someone else haul you out of the mud using their chains and their vehicle. I don't think you are "needlessly" stuck either cause it caused you to come here and look for help. The consequence of getting help, if you follow thru on it, is growth for yourself. The suggestion from the ladies is "go see your sponsor" and that went the same for me. Go see your sponsor and go get taught lessons about alternatives to where you are at...alternatives without guarantees or perfection. When ever I get into doubt about what I should do about something it means I am not ready to do the best I can with what I have or is available to me...I have to use patience. I go do something else. I tell others involved in the situation "I am not ready to participate; wait or go on without me".

Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I dunno I am 5 years out from leaving the ex A and if I had the attitude you have I would be smashing my head against the wall. Certainly issues of divorce, custody and more are not something you can just tie up in a neat little package.

I definitely resented the ex A tremendously and only recently have been at a place where I can choose otherwise. Anger is part of grieving, feeling a loss is part of grieving. I don't know there is a timetable for grief that says you need to be at a certain point, when and where. I also know that "no" is a good thing to reinforce around an alcoholic whatever stage they are at in recovery. Remember they are used to being able to get all they want, when they want it and usually that is right now. I never met an alcoholic who didn't want it all right now this minute and even that is not soon enough just as there is no amount of alcohol that is enough either. For those of us around an alcoholic saying no seems foreign it doesn't seem generous and it doesn't match the kind of seamless life we envision and we so deserve having. But no is a pretty healthy part of life. I say no all the time now to lots of things and it is just about coming to feel all right rather than something I encountered in the dark.

I don't know anyone who left an alcoholic and didn't hover around for a while. I certainly hovered around the ex A for more than a year. I felt sorry for him, I hoped against hope I could salvage something with him but the only thing I could have salvaged was more of the same. So at some point I did decide to stop contacting him but that didn't happen overnight. I am so glad that no one set a timetable for me, demanded I resolve everything and sew it all up very quickly. I had to get to a point of being willing to do it all alone. All my life I have craved being in a relationship, one that would make up for my childhood, one that would give me all things I craved so much. I saw a relationship as the focal pivot point of my life. I don't think I have ever been "single" actually I have always been waiting to be in a relationship. Single for me was about wondering and hoping someone would come along for me and they certainly did come along in the shape of alcoholics.

For me a transition is a difficult place. I am in a transition at the moment in wondering what my next step is. I have had to learn to be kind, caring and loving towards myself. I have people I know around me who have plenty of "shoulds" for me at this time in my life. I have had to learn to not take my concerns and questions to them because being "should" is not something I find exactly helpful. At one time I thought their should's were something that I needed to change. Now I just avoid a time for them to should me and when they do I quickly detach.

Wherever you are in your life is a good place to be. You are in recovery that is a good place to be, you are observing what is going on around you that is a good place to be,you are willing to change that is a good place to be. Stop beating yourself to a pulp and putting a timetable on what you should be, where you have failed and what you feel your deficiencies are. You are certanly handling a lot of issues and you are brave enough to consider them rather than act on impulse.

maresie.

tortuga · Senior Member

Thanks all for sharing on this post. i can relate to your comment Maresie: 'Wherever you are in your life is a good place to be.' It's my life, if I am not the rules of my own ship, then why am I here in the first place. That's why I start loving 'responsibilty' so much...it gives me freedom..my freedom. We are who we are...and we are not complete fools just because the circumstances around us are out of track and putting us in situations where we get tested. We certainly fail some of those tests, because they are out of the common, we have to learn tools to handle those things. and yes, due to circumstances also we landed in these situations in the first place. It's maybe not where anybody would go deliberately, or where everybody would like to be. It takes time to recognize patterns. And we need that time to stand up and look around and understand what happens.
all I can say, I take that time, my own rhythm. I am here, so are you...so it's not that you are not 'doing' anything.
And avoiding 'should' is a wise advice. if it comes from someone else or yourself.
I know these 'doubts' all too well.... and here I learned to take a step back, not react to my first doubts, get different viewpoints, talking to people who know by experience, creating room in my head. That gives me time, sometimes I am ready to hand things over to my HP, sometimes the voice inside me starts talking to me very clearly and guides me. Only then I am ready to take full responsibility and can be in peace with myself. It's a training....the more I am doing that, the better I become, until it becomes a natural way of being and I can find my balance of giving and receiving again.
Nowadays I 'take' a lot more of my time to feel what 'I' feel about MY life. You are not alone in doubt, you have beautiful YOU.... and you are not so much stuck, you are taking a step back and looking for answers....

in support (((HUGS)))

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