unsupportive family - Al-Anon Family Group

ejohnson55 · Newbie

unsupportive family

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Ejohnson Welcome to Miracles in Progress

I am sorry that your family is not supportive of you as you face the disease of alcoholism. So glad that your SO is in rehab and I am glad you are looking at recovery for yourself.

Alanon is a fellowship of men and women who understand s few others can We too experienced the same type of input from family and freinds and have developed a program of recovery that offers understanding and constructive tools to enable us to make choices and decisions.

Living with or interacting with the disease of alcoholism we do become affected emotionally, physically and spiritually. I suggest that you and your family search out alanon Face to Face meetings in your community and attend . Meetings can be found by

By going to the following link:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

Keep coming back hee as well You are worth it.

tiredtonite · Member

You have a right to choose the life you want for yourself and you have a right to consider the man you married as your family. In person Alanon meetings can give you the unconditional love, support and recovery which can help while your husband is in rehab. You don't have to feel isolated due to your family's lack of understanding. They no doubt want the best for you but don't understand your feelings. My experience has been whether family members words and actions are generated by control, fear or something else; I've found comfort and solutions for yourself in this program by showing up at Alanon meetings and working this program. Alanon has also helped with feeling compassion for others and keeping an open mind to views and suggestions of family. Ultimately, however; we do what's right for ourselves with the guidance of our higher power. In laws can attend Alanon too and gain knowledge about alcoholism/addiction. People do get sober and stay sober but that's between your husband and the god of his understanding. We as family members won't be living very happy lives if we become clock watchers waiting for a loved one's sobriety. You might watch your own life go by. Alanon helps us return our focus to daily living of our own life and shows us how to be happy whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. It helps with learning the difference between healthy support of the substance abuser and enabling them. We learn about loving detachment. I hope you keep coming back to recover with us here and your husband finds his way. One day at a time. Hugs TT

nyc018 · Senior Member

Hi - I just want to say I completely, 100% understand and relate to you. My family has the same view as yours and is now pressuring me big time to get divorced (my AH and I are separated one year and he has a year sobriety).
I realize my AH has done a lot to alienate them - his behaviors when he was active were unexcusable. They can and never will get past that and to an extent I totally understand, because they love me and saw the hurt I went through. I'd venture to guess your family feels the same way and just want you to be free of this. What families often don't understand is that support comes in many ways - lecturing, harrassing and telling one what to do is not the way to handle this. In my case, my family is actually saying a "it's him or us," which is downright manipulative. This doesn't excuse the alcoholic's behavior; it's just a fact that people in our situation don't need to be pummelled over the head in addition to everything else we endured.
I wish I had the answer on how to deal with family effectively. I've found a lot of comfort and esh on these boards and through Alanon literature. I don't think anyone who hasn't been in our shoes can really understand. Thankfully there are others who'eve been there, done that and can understand. Sending you support - nyc

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I used to tell my Mom all the bad things that occurred in my marriage, whish she than through in my face at every turn. So I had to stop venting to her, because she doesn't understand the disease. Al-anon has been a great place for me to discuss my life and not feel judges or controlled. I had to dettach from everyone and work my steps with ym sponsor to figure out what I really wanted and not worry about others wants for my life. I hope you can dive into your program! Sending you love and support!

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I had a real strong pattern of going to the butchers to buy bread. That is I looked for emotional support in places where there was none and then grieved about it.

As someone who came from a dysfunctional family I know that I didn't know anything else.

The good news is you know what you are doing doesn't work. So now you can try something else. One thing I have learned that is really important to me is that I can't depend on anyone else for my happiness. An alcoholic early in recovery is not someone to stake one's life on. Indeed I doubt in any relationship I would go to the extremes of being dependent on anyone in the same way I was again. Trust is a really important issue in any relationship. When it has been destroyed by alcoholism one has to start small and build up again not throw caution to the wind.

I know many an alcoholic who demand total commitment to their recovery from everyone around them. For me the total commitment to recovery is for my own sake these days not for anyone else. My life can no longer revolve around anyone else's whims.

Early recovery is a difficult time for an alcoholic. I think one of the most difficult things to do is to let go and let them stumble around in it rather than rush in and enable them. For me I had a sense of abandonment so strong that I found reasons to find people who were as dependent on me as I was on them. I had to change that.

Al anon can help you find what's good for you. I didn't like the messages I got when I first was prepared to be in al anon. I wanted the world to go according to what I thought it should be.

I hope you will give recovery a shot. You deserve it.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.