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My family member is an alcoholic. He is making his second attempt at sobriety. He is 36 days sober. His wife, however, is frustrating me and maybe I am wrong. Here's why I'm frustrated and on the verge of angry...after his 1st attempt, at about 30-40 days, she asked him if he would mind if she drank some wine (her beverage of choice) in front of him. He said no of course. Shortly thereafter, when he was getting more comfortable, he asked her if she minded if he drank a beer. She said no, just as long as its not the hard stuff. Well...the beer phase didn't last and the hard stuff (vodka) quickly re-entered his life. Fast forward 2 years -----he is attempting to become sober again, attending weekly AA meetings and such. Well, some friends invited her out for evening. She accepted. She asked him if he would mind if she drank while she was out. Once again he said no, that's fine. My problem with this is --- it seems to be history repeating. Am I overreacting?? I know she care deeply for him but this doesn't seem, to me, very supporting. And I guess I dont understand why a person cannot celebrate without alcohol involved especially when their spouse is attempting a major life change??!! Any thoughts would be appreciated!! Thanks!
Aloha Strawberry..."The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking"...period...that doesn't include anyone or anyone elses drinking. He has a compulsion of the mind and alergy of the body and an obsession coupled with the addiction...She has not accepted that she had a problem with alcohol and so she is out of the equation. He can and will get and stay sober if he attends to his sobriety as suggest (in AA) as a program of sobriety...you can support that whether his wife drinks or not. Can he just have one...of anything...?? It has been proven that once an alcoholic always an alcoholic and that this is a progressive disease...always getting worse; never better.
Who does Strawberry support?...Strawberry. If you are not already attending face to face Al-Anon meetings I suggest you go to the white pages of your local telephone book and find the hotline number under Al-Anon call that number and find out where and at what times many of us meet in your area and come out and join us to learn what we have learned about finding and keeping our own peace of mind and serenity whether the alcoholic or anyone else is drinking or not. In learning how to take care of yourself you will be of use to the others.
Keep coming back here also. The suggestions are from my experiences. Welcome to the board. ((((hugs))))
Jerry and Matie have already provided you with some powerful information so all I want to say is I hear you and understand.
Please search out alanon Face to Face meetings in your community . Breaking the isolation and confusion brought on by this disease is very important Meetings help to do just that.
You are not alone and there is hope.
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 4th of October 2012 07:39:34 AM
Thank you Jerry. I guess my frustration is, I just want him to succeed so badly and I wish she wasn't "throwing it" in his face. She's a nice enough person but sometimes I don't think she understands the gravity of things. All I can do it sit back and watch. Anyway...I appreciate you replying. I am new to this forum and have never been to a meeting. I think your suggestion is a good one.
I am glad you have found us. And no wonder you are frustrated. When you see someone who's on the brink of recovery and then they relapse, it can be crazy-making.
The fact is, alcoholism is insanity and it tends to pull everyone around it into insanity too. We all get affected by the chaos.
It sounds as if your son's wife may have her own troubles with drinking. That too is the kind of thing where we have to "let go and let God." Which is one of the biggest challenges there is.
Whether she has her own struggle with drinking or whether she's just in deep denial, part of your son't recovery will be to practice dealing with triggers. For instance, she asks whether it would bother him for her to drink and he says "No." Maybe that's an unwise answer and it would benefit him to rethink that. Maybe there's pressure in the relationship for him to deny his needs. Or maybe he has internal pressure to deny his needs. Or maybe he doesn't even know his needs. In working the steps and being in recovery and talking with his sponsor, these are things for him to learn. Maybe she does have a problem with drinking and he needs to think whether he can be around that. Or maybe she doesn't and they need to get some practice talking honestly. It's unknowable from the outside. All of it offers them opportunities for growth.
It's hard to be okay with the fact that we can't control things, whether it's alcoholism or other people. Basically I always think that if the universe did just what I told it, we'd be better off! I'm joking but I'm also pretty serious. But despite all that, the only person any of us can control is ourselves. If we start to heal from the chaos that is alcoholism, dynamics shift and things get better. That's why, when there's a problem in the outside world, our best practice is to look at ourselves and take care of our own recovery. It sounds as if you've started that already. Do you have a meeting? I hope you can get to one. And I hope you'll keep coming back.
These are personal choices that the couple is making. The husband asked, she answered honestly about him having a beer. Sometimes family members don't understand about alcoholism. Other times people won't argue someone's wish to drink because they don't feel a responsibility to tell their spouse not to drink. Getting sober and staying Sober is his journey. His wife ask if he minded if she drank in his presence. That was supportive of him. My bet is that he knows the first drink will lead to a next. The choice of what to do with that knowledge rests with him in my humble opinion. Good question. Thanks for sharing. Hugs. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thank you all very much. You have really helped look at the situation in a different light. I realize this is his issue to deal with but it's hard when all I want to do is free him from temptation and his wife asking him questions like that seems to me like a temptation. Tiredtonite - your opinion that maybe she is being supportive of him because she asked, I makes sense. My position is however - why is alcohol so important to people? I can celebrate an event without having to drink...why can't she, especially when her husband is going through such a tough time in his life? I know these are questions that cannot be answered and I know this is something he has to overcome but as his sister...I will always worry. Thanks again for your advice, and caring responses!!!
His wife, however, is frustrating me and maybe I am wrong. Here's why I'm frustrated and on the verge of angry...after his 1st attempt, at about 30-40 days, she asked him if he would mind if she drank some wine (her beverage of choice) in front of him. He said no of course. Shortly thereafter, when he was getting more comfortable, he asked her if she minded if he drank a beer. She said no, just as long as its not the hard stuff. Well...the beer phase didn't last and the hard stuff (vodka) quickly re-entered his life. Fast forward 2 years -----he is attempting to become sober again, attending weekly AA meetings and such. Well, some friends invited her out for evening. She accepted. She asked him if he would mind if she drank while she was out. Once again he said no, that's fine. My problem with this is --- it seems to be history repeating. Am I overreacting?? I know she care deeply for him but this doesn't seem, to me, very supporting. And I guess I dont understand why a person cannot celebrate without alcohol involved especially when their spouse is attempting a major life change??!! Any thoughts would be appreciated!! Thanks! 