HUGS!!!!!

Can I get an extra H for hormonal?? :)

I had the greatest pleasure of hearing a woman by the name of Lacern (sp?) speak this weekend she's an alanon sister who is from the Los Angeles area.

Something she said over and over again was that she had these crazy thoughts that would fly above her head and then she would take one pop it into her head and that thought would become a fact. I had a good laugh over that one because I can completely relate.

After 22 years in the program she said her and her husband and RA went away for a weekend convention had this great time and she had all this spirituality coming out all sides of her. She had to get on the tread mill in the garage and they have had challenges with their youngest son who is 19. On his weight bench was a woman's drivers license. She saw this woman was 32, and then the thoughts started coming. This woman on the drivers license already had children, was looking for a way to get her son to marry her all because she wanted to call her mom. L, went flying into the house showed her husband this license and was completely back into the crazy thinking that always works out so well for her. :) Anyway, she hadn't seen her son do to work and school stuff and he came in with this driver's license in her hand and says Mom, what do you do when you find a a driver's license that someone has lost? She of course after breathing a great sigh of relief started laughing at herself .. this is how crazy we can make ourselves without even trying to.

I know me and my points .. LOL .. what I wanted to say is this .. just because we think something it doesn't make it true. Those random negative, self hatred thougths do not mean the end of the world is happening.

I am ABSOLUTELY with you on what I put out here on the boards as it did come back and bite me in the butt early on and I'm actually very grateful for that happening. I don't know if my wasband reads these or not however I am VERY aware that other people could be reading what I put out here.

If I could reach through the computer and give you a real hug I would in a heart beat. I know for me that I have these things I do myself, my mind is a very dangerous place for me to go alone it's like a war zone and I have to take God with me as well as my sponsor from time to time so I can get out of that kind of talk. I have to literally do loving self talk. There is a song on YouTube called You Are More. I would encourage you to listen to that song and listen to those words because it is soooo true .. you are more.

That whole not being able to take a stand is part of that whole self hatred we go through to get to the light on the other side of the tunnel. We are talking about ohhhh let's say 6 months, 6 weeks, or even 6 days of doing this kind of thing .. I'm thinking in terms of 40+ years in my own case. It takes a tremendous amount of work for me to tell my committee that I am worth more than those abstract thoughts. After all if someone tells me I'm a tree it doesn't make it true .. I can tell myself I'm a tree and it doesn't make it true.

I can tell myself I am worth loving that the God of my understanding loves me more than I love my children (it's the best point of reference I've got because I know how much I love them, it's still hard to believe that God loves me more than that, God loves my children and everyone else more than I can express.)

Anyway, my ability to take a stand for myself is in direct relation to my own self esteem and self love for myself as well. I find when I come from a place of self love I don't over react or act in a harsher way than I intend. Also self care is a MUST .. take good care of you and feed yourself with healthy things as that helps as well in dealing with those situations that give me a different sense of perspective.

I hope something in there helps I've got so much flying in my own brain .. LOL .. the kids are chatting and my brain hasn't kicked in with coffee yet. :)

Sending lots of love and support, hugs P :)

Long ago I read a book aimed at helping care better for children; the main point I still carry from that book is identifying and then refilling whichever tank is empty. I easily saw how it could pertain to any human on this planet, we get empty and need to be refilled. Last night I got home at 5:30 pm; oh so much work to do, house mess, dishes dirty, laundry - well, machine broke and last load is sitting in a pile of wet goo, so many things I could have done. But - I was wiped and I knew it. I also knew that the dishes would wait till the morning, (already mostly done); the clothes could sit in goo another 12 hours; the house would always be a mess (who am I kidding?). So I sat on the couch, ate steak with daughter, watched tv, played games on computer, laid down and watched AVengers, falling asleep as I usually do when I'm wiped out and let myself be still for half a second, and I recharged. My journey through the world of AA and Al-anon has brought me to concepts like, how important is it? and letting go of things that aren't important enough to stress over; when in doubt, do nothing; and can I do anything about this? - no, so don't worry about it.

Unfortunately, the only person I have to refuel myself is me. But I'm ok with that, because the alternative (having someone here who causes MORE trouble) is unacceptable. So its up to us to refuel, recharge, fill that empty tank. I understand that if I don't do it, it won't get done and if it doesn't get done than I'm the one who suffers.