The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, my name is slogan_Jim and I am a grateful member of the worldwide fellowship of al-anon
Id like to share something to anyone willing to listen. I have been doing some thinking about living vs. surviving. Most of my life has been about surviving. People who grow up in healthy, stable households grow up with a sense that everything will be ok. Because most of the time, it is. Growing up in a home with active alcoholism and mental illness you are exposed and a part of some very real situations with very real consequences.
Layoffs, bankruptcy, police officers, duis, and living a life of instability and struggle were all a part of my life growing up. We never went without the basics, but there was never any extra money lying around. My parents never made a lot. Some of my relatives collected welfare and disability, so being broke was something that was in front of me. Any little amount of extra money we did manage to save, was spent either on alcohol or nonsense we could have easily went without. With that, I told myself that I would not live like that if I had anything to say about it.
This has lead me to be a very driven individual and frugal individual. When it came time to go to university there was no money to help. I took on massive loans on the advice of the alcoholic. After university I was not very qualified to do much so I took the first job that came to me because it was expected that I was going to pay board. I took a job as a collections agent for very little money. I found myself blowing whatever money I had on unnecessary things and I found myself Surviving. I hated my life and contemplated ending it. I never did anything drastic and am so thankful for that.
I then made a decision that I would start living and not surviving. I would not get stuck in a dead-end job. I would continue to educate myself. I would go after the life I knew I deserved. I would not live in debt, jealous of those with advantages (still working on that one J) gossiping and angry with the world.
Its funny that pursuing living meant continuing to survive. Ill explain. I went back to school to upgrade my skills so that I may get a better job, pay off some debts, I have achieved that goal. In the Greater Toronto Area (where I live) 47% of adult children still live at home. I rented a place of my own. In the process of getting to this stage I neglected some aspects of living. I have never had a lot of opportunity to travel. My dating life has suffered. All in the name of having to work on myself and stabilize my life. Now that I am able to think more clearly, I fear that these opportunities have passed me by. While all those around me in my age bracket were able to build those relationships and live, I was stuck in a bitter and angry state that may have cost me a solid reputation and the help that everyone needs in life. I never had help from my parents so I never felt the need to ask for any from those around me. This has reflected and now it seems as though many dont seem to think I need their help. Even when I ask, they dont refuse but I get answers like I dont know how I could help you or I dont really know anyone that I could match you with. In the past, I have seen others succeed at things so much easier than me. This has lead to a lot of bitterness and resentment. I always wanted to be someone of high esteem, that people look up to. I never felt I had that as a child and unlike the alcoholic, I want to be a positive example.
As a single 28 year-old male I feel that people judge me because I feel they think it speaks to my character. He cant get anyone to love him, so why should we?. I feel that my surviving tactics have gotten in the way of me discovering what love really is. What it means. I know my father loves me. My sister loves me, and yes, even my mother who is not around loves me. But my parents have a hard time loving themselves and both felt it was a priority to cater to their diseases instead of their children.
Its getting better day by day. I am transitioning slowly from survival to living. Al-Anon has played a big role in that. There is always that fear though that it can be taken away at any moment and I will have to re-start. To go back to surviving. I cant do that. I will not do that. Because of that instinct many of my survival traits kick in and I neglect certain aspects of living.
I pray that my higher power guides me and shows me the right path. I pray that there is a plan for love and support in my life. I pray that he continues to be with me and bless me in the many ways he already has.
I think in the early 20s, many people are coasting on the advantages their parents gave them. By the late 20s and early 30s, the ability to fend for oneself starts to be more important. In some ways people like us have an advantage -- we don't take solvency for granted. We've started to look at how things work and to figure out how to stand on our own two feet.
I've known two people who were in line to inherit a lot of money. Both of them said, "I don't need to figure out my work life because I have a lot of money coming to me down the road." In both cases the money didn't come. In one case it got spent by lawyers in a big dispute over the inheritance. In another case the parents had used it up before they died. Both people were left high and dry. Of course, some people do inherit a lot of money and do have a ton of advantages. In that sense they won the lottery, for now, anyway. But knowing how to stand on our own two feet is winning the biggest lottery. I know it feels so hard. But behind a lot of people who grew up with "advantages" I see a lot of desperation. All of us spend our 20s and 30s trying to figure out how to live life, I think. Our advantage is that we know we need to figure it out.
I don't mean to paint it all with a smiley face. But I do feel as if all the learning I've done has given me a big advantage in the end. I'm several decades along from this, and I'm in a better position than a lot of "privileged" people. Al-Anon and the tools it teaches has a lot to do with this.
Thanks for your share Slogan Jim Your awaeness and clarity are inspiring . I found that living the principles of this progaram one day at a time ,HP has provided me with a life I could not have imagined. Letting go of my will, trusting the process, opened a new world to me.
Fear has lifted and I know that no matter what I will be OK
Thanks guys, It's funny though that in this day and age, as a single male renting his own apartment I feel like I am looked at funny. Most people my age who don't live in their family home are either married or live with someone. Or they own a place, mostly through the help of their parents. It's hard for many to comprehend how someone could 'rent' in this day and age. They dont really understand that living with my alcoholic father was to much for my sanity to take and I cant really explain that to someone who doesnt really understand that. I value my peace of mind over putting away some extra cash every month. I do love my father but the reality is that he can be a selfish ass.
This is also where sometimes my jealousy and envy comes into play. I look at some people and think 'would you be where you are if it wasn't for others (your parents) hard work?' This gives me some re-assurance, maybe a borderline arrogance. I dont feel it is healthy for an adult man/woman to be living at home. It delays adulthood and delays maturity. It skews reality. It gives them the impression that it is in fact the life they have built for themselves, when it isnt.
I agree that learning to stand on your own 2 feet is the ultimate gift but doing everything on my own is hard. Its tiring. I dont want to do it alone anymore. I am fed up if doing it alone. I want help. I dont know what that means though. I have told my higher power this and surrendered my will. It has lead to the great life that I have today, but I want help. I want companionship. I am tired of going through this alone, yknow?
