The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I caught myself at the grocery store this morning planning to "nice it up" with a store cashier when I was picking up a few items.
The cashier and I recognize each other and are, for the most part, on friendly terms. She's been working there for years and I've been swinging by during her usual hours in the early morning to pick up miscellaneous items for years. We're on such terms where we usually greet each other with big smiles and a "hey, how are you?" and chit chat for a bit.
However - I've also learned this cashier just gets moody at times. There are some mornings where she's apparently having a bad day and can be borderline rude when she's working with you. The first time this happened a long time ago, I remember feeling shocked and like I'd done something to cause the behavior (you know... I'm the center of the universe...). Over time I've just caught on that she just has bad days and that's just how she is and it really has nothing to do with me.
This morning she was apparently having one of her bad days. I caught the drift right away.
Now, in the past, I would suddenly be extra nice and friendly to her when she was behaving like that. Of course I always came away feeling like an idiot or a fake for doing that, because her demeanor wouldn't change a bit regardless how friendly I was being. See, I have this programming in me that says "See? I'm being nice to you. You should now change and be nice to me."
So, when I came up to her and caught on that it was one of her bad days, I almost.. just ALMOST.. threw on that mega-nice act again. But then I caught myself just right when that feeling was coming on and said to myself... "No. Just be how you are. You don't need to change and be extra nice to her just because she's moody."
So that's what I did, and for once, I walked out of the store feeling good about myself. I didn't get extra nice, nor did I darken and get snotty or anything. Was just.. me.
I think there's something to it, too, in that behavior of trying to be especially nice to someone who's being rude... it's like I'm rewarding them or something. I sometimes feel like I'm saying "Hey. If you're a jerk to me, I'll be nice to you!" Really... rude behavior doesn't deserve extra nice behavior. I'm not saying that it deserves rude behavior in return. Definitely not. But I think gentle indifference... or loving detachment... is the best way to respond to such behavior.
Wow - after how many years of interactions with that cashier and how many years in Al-Anon, I finally put two and two together. haha
I have a lady at work who runs hot or cold and I have learned to distance myself when she is on hot. I used to turn on the charm and try to earn her smile or manipulate her mood, but I have learned a better way thanks to Al-anon. Sounds like a great program at work! Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
That's a GREAT share! I have a tendency to shut down when it happens - but I have this weird line and if it continues after I shut down, I have to fight back being rude in return. YOu are right though that never helps.
Aloha Sis...I got tired of doing that "let me fix/change you" behavior also because my alcoholic/addict taught me well and so I stopped. At the same time I was learning all kinds of program support behaviors which we use to be empowered to use in the rooms constantly and they worked in the rooms. I couldn't always be in the rooms so I gave myself permission to "get crazy" outside the rooms and behave like I wanted to behave and be treated in return outside. It's surprising and fun almost everytime to have someone I don't know anywhere who is making an attempt at getting in my face and wanting me to "step away from the (whatever) sir" attitude and then acknowledging their body language to them "Dang you really look fritzed at something" and offering just one solution "You want a hug?". You cannot believe howmany hugs I've given out to people who need them for what ever reason they need them. Because of my counseling background and only if I have the time and willingness I have also asked or just said "You need to talk about something, want me to listen?" Lots of people kinda...sorta see me as crazy because there are not a whole lot of people walking around that open and so what. Isn't that what I was looking for when I found Al-Anon? You could just be carrying around with you an extra hug you've had left over during the week. Give it away cause it works when you work it.
I think you did a great job of taking care of yourself. I like the way you kept it simple and didn't take it personally. What a great example of recovery in action concerning detaching from other people's stuff. Appeciate it! Hugs. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Saturday 29th of September 2012 09:29:27 AM
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Good Morning Aloha (its morning here anyway) - you are correct, you don't have to alter your mood to suit someone else's. My thoughts upon reading your post echoes Jerry's response. I have come to be on pretty friendly terms with several cashiers - sometimes I can tell the day's just not going well for them (or they can tell the days not well for me!) and all I can offer is empathy, a smile and hope the day improves for them. And, on the flip side, I have had my spirits raised by people doing the same for me, empathy and a smile.
I read your post then went off to shower and thought more about it - maybe she's got her own A at home, someone who's disturbing her at work, always got problems, leaves messes she has to clean up and some days she just isn't able to put it all away and present a happy face to the world. I know I am not always able to shine and I don't even have an A in my immediate life anymore. And, I imagine that at the height of my ex-A's insanity in my life, I had more than a few moments where I was difficult to run into. Maybe she's got a bully boss; difficult co-worker, difficult customers - lordy lordy have you ever watched those customers do everything they can to rile the cashier who has to smile and tell them to have a nice day? I'm so glad i don't have to do that job!
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
