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A little background, AH admitted to using Meth again this week. This is the second time since rehab. He chose to quit again. I didn't ask him to, but he knows I don't choose to live in that situation.
So he's detoxing at home, quitting by himself. Choosing not to get any help, no rehab, no counseling or anything. And this involves lots of sleeping, several days of it. And very moody, cranky, hateful. So yes I am trying to detach, leave him alone, and let him deal with this. I am not going to "baby" him through this. I chose to go to a Al-Anon meeting after work last night. It is an hour drive, so I was gone for three hours. He was mad because I was "leaving him alone". I simply told him I was going for me and I needed to do this for me. Of course he was sleeping when I got home so there was no type of confrontation. I got up this morning and came to work. I got a phone call just now, a very upset "why can't you even call and check on me?" My response was that I didn't want to wake him up and bother him. He starts cussing and saying that I don't care about him so I simply hung up the phone because he was becoming irrational. A text followed from him that I did not respond to.
Is this how I should be handling it? Should I be doing more to "help" him?
So I talked a lady from the local Al-Anon group and she told me that maybe he was feeling like he wasn't being supported in his efforts, maybe he felt he needed that safety net. I am so confused on how to do this.
You do not need to babysit him - you are detaching and that is exactly what you're supposed to do. He's probably mad because he is afraid he'll use if you aren't there to watch him -- he needs to man-up, get out of bed, go to work (or get a job), and move forward with an NA program - that's where he will find strength.
When I came out of rehab (alcohol & meth) I did relapse for a short while but was able to pull myself up again and I did not need anyone to tend to me - I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself. The most important thing I learned from my relapse was that I had to stay away from friends/family that were using. No matter what I learned from rehab, I knew that if someone cut out a line in my presence that I probably would not have the strength to turn away....little secret: after rehab and several months of being clean, I went to my sister's house, my BIL gave me a big hug, told me he loved & cared about me and slipped a little baggie of meth in my hand.....thus my relapse.
Jamie: stay the course - you are on the right path for YOU - his path is his to walk.
I know exactly how you feel, how to know when it's just enough, not enough, oh wait - that's the codependent messages! So I'm still learning this "detach with love" deal. I'm finding that early on as we learn to set boundaries, stick to them and detach sometimes well, we aren't very nice at it. At least that's been my experience.
It's about mentally removing ourselves from their issue. Sometimes we need to physically remove as well. Sometimes we check out mentally a little more than they like. It's not up to us to make them feel better!! But as I come here and read there are ways to soften the detachment.
Like the phone call to find out why you aren't checking on him. When we detach they feel like we don't love them suddenly. I've had multiple talks in the past and even recently with exRBF about the detachment process, how he processed it how I processed it. The last time I detached, I did better. I very honestly, and lovingly basically stood my ground and said "You need to go, we discussed this before hand and it's important you stick to our agreement" (the boundary is he can't be near me if he relapses). I did not yet, did not ignore him, did not get angry, did not point fingers, blame, start a fight - I just stuck to what boundary i needed followed at the moment, kept my voice soft but insistent.
He told me several weeks later when we started talking again that it was actually harder that way initially because he could see how much I cared but I was still sending him away (abandonment, these guys have huge abandonment issues when intoxicated). But when he finally got himself sober, it was easier to look back and see his part in it and he couldn't get mad at me.
So I don't know in your situation but maybe a response to the call that might soften it, would be "I'm glad you are doing well and I didn't want to disturb your sleep, I know it's very important as you work on this. I'm glad you are staying sober and will call later". It's all about our tone. If that sentence is with the tone of placating or mocking, it's going to hurt and be received poorly. If it's with true caring and love I think it's easy to see it will be received a little better.
But it's important that as we learn to detach that we aren't worrying more about the A's feelings than our own. So you are taking care of you, continuing with your life, not walking on eggshells and THAT's more important than his little hissy fit on the phone. He needs to feel confident in his decision and find his own self care and happiness and stop relying on you to make him feel better. But along side that, we can still learn to detach in a softer way as we learn.
I've been learning detachment now for nearly 6 years (6 in January started my journey first with my exH and detaching from emotional abuse). I still have to learn, I still find myself reacting to past pain and not being soft and learning again. You can be loving and caring and detach, but more important is that first step to taking care of you first, because it's much easier to detach wtih love when we stop letting them hurt us.
We have talked again, and it was a much calmer discussion. He did express that he felt like I just didn't care that he was going through this and he felt totally alone. He just wanted to know that I did care. And I do care. I love him very much and I want so much for him to succeed. I just don't want to end up enabling him like everyone else has his entire life, making it seem like it's ok, not a big deal, and there will always be someone to take care of him. I have read and read about detachment but learning how to implement it has really been difficult for me. And that last part you said about stopping letting them hurt us, I still allow all of his harsh words hurt me. That's something I really have to work on. It's so hard to ignore when they seem so cold and viscous.
If he were farther along in his recovery, he would know that you working on your own recovery -- going to that Al-Anon meeting -- is the best thing you could do for the continued health of your relationship. And that he cannot rely on a person, even a close and loving one, to keep him from relapsing. He needs a Higher Power and a program of recovery. The fact that he's trying to go it alone shows me that he doesn't really understand the power of addiction yet. It's that same old "I can do it all by myself with my own willpower. But if I fail, it's your fault!" What a set-up for us.
So he may feel unsupported, but if he does, it's because he's not getting the support of the group and the Power that really can support him. You can't keep him from using any more than you could make him if he didn't want to. I don't know what that woman from Al-Anon meant, but it may be that she isn't very far along in her own recovery yet. (Even people with years of experience can be at different points of recovery.)
Mattie very well said. Jamie74.....I think you are doing all the right things taking care of yourself, getting to meetings!!!!! Sending love & support with hugs
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Icie
"Holding a grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die..."
Aloha Jamie...you're doing the best you can with what you have and we all started from no where. You got courage to go look for help in the literature, meetings and here...understand he isn't doing as much as you are to change sooooo he's back there somewhere screaming for you to fall behind and drag him along. He needs to here a responsiblilty question and maybe not from you cause if he doesn't do anything in his favor he will still come after you...you are and have been the usual target and it's okay to step out of sight and range...really. The mental, emotional, spiritual and physical pain he is feeling is his...his own...his to own...his responsibility...his consequence of...his using. This is not your area of expertise nor a choice you've made for yourself. He is using and abusing and not only the drugs. What you are experiencing about his mood, thinking and behavior is meth conditioning...If you can expect him to act crazy, sound crazy, look crazy and try to make you crazy without crazy reaction on your part then you're getting part of how to detach from the addict. You don't have to attend every dance you are invited to. If you choose not go to the dance then you will also be free not to listen to the music and you (metaphorically) should not for your own health.
He is an addict and abuser wanting to do his own recovery...he doesn't know anything about recovery. The best place I found to start my own recovery was being around drinkers and users who had made the decision and had the willingness to go find help from others who knew how to do it...and it isn't easy cause when you don't know how and don't even know that you don't know the workable consequence will usually be a result of a miracle as in my case. I know Paths to Serenity's journey..I relate to her post. My getting into program was a "God thing" my solution was suicide and God has a different perception, plan and program for successful suicide...you don't end your life you end how you live your life...rocket science!! Maybe a suggestion that points him toward a local N/A or AA meeting. If he insist on doing it himself...allow him the dignity to feel as much pain as he has brought upon himself without getting in the way and diluting your personal protection. Alcoholism and Drug Addiction are very often fatal diseases which has no bias as to who dies. Point him in the drection of those who know and tell him you don't know how to help or support him (that is true and he can't push against the truth).
Speaking from the A/Addicts side: When we do things because others want us to its nothing more than manipulation and appeasement. That may keep us clean & sober but only for a short time. Any recovery must come from a true desire to pull oneself out of the sewer for our own betterment. My initial motivation for seeking recovery was the overwhelming humiliation that I felt along with tremendous guilt I had when I saw my husband working 80-90hrs a wk to cover household expenses that should have been paid with the money I spent on drugs. He had a serious heart condition and working those long hrs was taking a toll on his health and I realized that if I did not change my ways, he would literally work himself to death or get smart and kick me out and I would be truly alone - by my on hand. I was granted a clear vision of what the future held for me - and I didn't like it. I wanted so badly to cleanse myself of the inner-shame and regain my honor.
From the other side of the street: I do not see where setting boundaries is setting the A up for failure. I have said those exact same words to my A son - "in order for me to stay in this relationship, I have to see progress on your part - not perfection but a true desire to get healthy..you have every right to continue on this dark path but if that is your choice know that you will walk that path alone".
Even thru my own journey as an ACOA, Alcoholic, Addict, Al-Anon, it took me 18mos to work up the courage to set boundaries with my son - I had a overwhelming fear that he would turn away from me completely so I kept quiet until that inner voice telling me that my silence was helping him kill himself got so loud that I could not ignore it any longer.
At times, it is difficult for me to stay on one side of the street because my own paths cross on a regular basis - I find myself squarely in the middle of an intersection with the yellow caution lights flashing at high frequency - that intersection gives me time to pause and think about where I want to go - turn left toward the liquor store, turn right and go back to quiet mode or continue straight ahead on the path to serenity.
I know that my son has to want recovery & I can't provide that for him. That said, I have seen where remaining steadfast in my recovery, some smidgens of light do shine from my path to his.
-- Edited by Path to Serenity on Saturday 29th of September 2012 12:19:39 PM
Like many others have stated - You cannot be his addictions counselor. It's better to not even try. I remember being in early recovery and saying at an AA meeting "I'm so proud to be paying all my bills and going to work every day and taking care of my own apartment." Someone with long term sobriety responded "You don't get a medal for doing all the things a normal adult does every day."
I guess I learned that it wasn't wrong to feel good about my accomplishments in recovery. But it was wrong of me to expect other people to reward me. My recovery is my journey and it's dependent on the relationship I have with my higher power and also it is dependent upon me doing the footwork to go to meetings, read literature, call my sponsor (the things YOU are actually doing in alanon). It cannot be dependent upon significant others or my family or any 1 person.
You are already supporting him more than enough by giving him more time and a roof over his head while he wrestles with this. It's questionable when that "support" is crossing over into enabling. Is he working? Paying any bills? Or does he really call you to bother you at work while you are making all of the money for your household while he lays around recouping from a drug binge? And on top of it, you are actually feeling guilty for not supporting him when you are actually going further in supporting him than just about anyone else would.
Alcoholics and addicts love to test boundaries - They are incredibly insecure and don't participate as full and equal partners in relationships. They treat you like a hostage. After screwing up and using or relapsing they will often scream how you don't love them to elicit the response of "Oh That's not true! I love you so much!" 5 year olds play that game too. It's a ploy to take the attention away from their screwing up and to elicit soothing. You might tell a child "I will love you no matter what you do" but I wouldn't say that to an adult addict cuz they will only hear it as "You can relapse all you want and I will stick around." That is what you are dealing with in terms of emotional maturity. Breathe deep, stay in contact with alanon supports. Look at your motives for acting the way you do, but when it comes to doing anything for yourself - Do not second guess yourself please. You deserve your own attention and care more than he does.
Please don't thinking I am saying you are weak for sticking around with him. All I really want to convey is that you are strong for holding the whole house together in spite of him being a trainwreck. You are strong in handling all those things and keeping it all together - so the instinct WOULD naturally be that you should and could keep HIM together too. Unfortunately, you can't keep him together. You are powerless over him and his addiction and that would seem to run counter to all the damage control you are doing every day I know.
I think you're doing great! I think the lady in Alanon is right. He's afraid and wants a safety net. Listen... if he's got enough energy to call and tell you off and text too, I'm betting he can take care of himself. It's his deal. I think you're right to leave it where it belongs, with him. Glad to hear you've chosen to keep living your own life instead of taking time off from your job and Alanon meetings to watch him sweat out the toxins. Hugs. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thank you for all of your responses. I dealt with a lot of different things last night after I got home from work. And no I am not the sole supporter. He gets paid whether he shows up or not. Another part of the enabling he's gotten his entire life from his family, he will always have a job, a paycheck, and a vehicle with gas provided. So anyway he'd been to the liquor store, could get out of bed long enough for that but was back in bed when I got home. He seemed in a good mood and wanted to talk. I sat down and it started off good. Then he said he was trying very hard to do "what I wanted." He asked if he went through all this trouble would I stay. I told him I was here now and I did support him, but he needed to do this for him. I told him I did love him, but I there were two things that he did I couldn't love and that was drinking whiskey and using meth. And I could not promise I would always stay because I wouldn't continue to go through this over and over. I set my boundary, letting him know if it happened again I could not stay. Of course that changed the entire tone, I was setting him up for failure. Why couldn't I just support him and have faith in him. Did I have any idea how many women would love to a have a man put so much effort and hard work to save a relationship? I don't love him, he might as well leave now, he was just a horrible person, just on and on and on!! I just ignored it because saying anything would have just fueled it further and finally he went back to sleep. I am actually thankful to be working this morning and dreading going home this afternoon. Just have to be strong, detach, and busy myself with thing I want to do and not let him make me feel guilty for it.
As far as his history, he's gone back and forth using meth for 20 years, in and out of rehab and 12 step programs. This may be "taking someone else's inventory" but I feel like he's never "worked" the program. After rehab this last time, I thought he was really going to try to work a program. He was so into the book and learning and reading, going to meetings. And then I could tell he was slipping. He was also going to counseling and he would talk about things the counselor and him discussed but he never implemented anything she suggested. Although he would try to get me to..."you need to do (this) and (that) according to my counselor." So because he's "been there, done that", hence the thinking he can do it on his own. I did see one of his counselors from rehab when I went to the Al-Anon meeting and he wanted me to suggest to AH to call and talk to him. He wants to try to get him back into some outpatient treatment. I doubt that he will, and I won't push but I will suggest he call.
I just feel like I was so naive thinking he would really stop the last time. But never being around a drug addict or an alcoholic I had no idea of the power of addiction myself. He went to rehab so it was all OK. Boy did I have a wake up call. Thank goodness for this site, for Al-Anon and for all the support from you all!! I will keep coming back and will try to get to two Al-Anon meeting a week. And like everyone is saying keep taking care of me!
I remember more of the story now Jamie - Thanks for clarifying. Sounds like you are doing things differently now and sticking to your alanon program is going to bring about good things for you. It won't be easy and it probably wont play out like you expected, but it won't be the same merry go round you have been on at least.
I would venture to say his enabling family are the biggest problem. You stated he works for his family and also makes excuses and whines about how hard it is to be the boss's son. Also whining about how he is willing to go through so much for you.... I am glad you recognized how insane that line of thinking was. If he actually wasn't the boss's son and had to be responsible to keep a job and survive...that would be another story. Most folks don't recover until it becomes a survival issue (life and death)...It will probably continue on that way until it becomes clear to him he will die from it.
I got sober when I crashed my car drunk...that was hovering on me getting legal charges that would have left me with a criminal record and no ability to do my job...hence, I would have been homeless too. If that situation hadn't been real for me, I wouldn't have stayed sober. It was so clear that I needed to be sober to have a life. It takes a lot for some folks to get to that point.
In the meanwhile, it sounds like you are doing the best you can with alanon. That is what will change all of this for you at least.
That is probably the most truthful thing you have heard from him in a long time (minus the part about how much more he would be getting done around the house if he were high). Sorry. I know you are frustrated. None of this is easy.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 29th of September 2012 06:38:35 PM
Yeah he is a felon and faces 40 years if his probation is revoked. He feels like if he gets in trouble again he will be able to get out of it again because his parents will fight it until he gets off. I told his parents I honestly thought if he lost everything he might just "get it". But they won't ever let that happen. His dad admitted to me that he felt like their enabling his whole life is partly to blame for where AH is now. So now he just doesn't understand how I can just walk away from him just because he is weak and "messes up". And on top of all that, he's been drinking since 14 and NEVER had an accident or DUI, so pretty much thinks he's invincible. No just been lucky!! One day all that could change and it may just take that for him to see the real picture.
Just now AH told me he WAS NOT doing this for himself and would never do this for himself. He is only doing it so I will stay but didn't understand why I have such a problem with him getting high because I knew he was an addict so I should have known life would be this way.Yes I should have but I was naive and trusted him. He says he resents me and wants to go get high right now. And if I'd let him he'd get out of bed and get so much more done around the house instead if laying around all day. UGH!!
It sounds like he's deep in the denial. All the bad things that happen are always someone else's fault. But there's a difference -- you have so much awareness. So his manipulations aren't going to work any more. It may take many many consequences of this type for him to hit his bottom, if he ever does, but there's a big one to get him started. And a big step toward good health for you.
Just now AH told me he WAS NOT doing this for himself and would never do this for himself. He is only doing it so I will stay but didn't understand why I have such a problem with him getting high because I knew he was an addict so I should have known life would be this way.Yes I should have but I was naive and trusted him. He says he resents me and wants to go get high right now. And if I'd let him he'd get out of bed and get so much more done around the house instead if laying around all day. UGH!!
