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I have a question about the one year milestone of sobriety. My bf and I have dated nearly 10 months and he is less than a month away from being sober for an entire year. However, instead of our relationship and his behavior improving and growing, he has relapsed into his former self, treating me with disregard and disrespect. I am not able to converse with him as he turns it into a fight. He is controlling and difficult, making our entire relationship revolve around his needs. It seems like all the growth I witnessed over these 10 months have completely disintegrated, and that he has no desire to work things out. I am so confused by this!
I can't decide if the way he sees things is because it is who he is or because he is an alcoholic. But one of the things he does that is unlike any other person is to take a simple request and call it a criticism. It could be as simple as asking him to take off his muddy shoes, and he flips out and accuses me of criticizing him. He even dissects the way I say things and criticizes that and corrects me in a lecturing and demeaning manner. Is this part of being alcoholic? I have never felt so scutinized and under the microscope as he has made me feel. His perception of life is that there is only one way to say things and do things - of course, it is his way.
He also refuses to listen to me, and will cut me off, take phone calls, send text messages, read emails, walk away from me or simply tell me he does not wish to talk to me (in a rude way). But, he demands that I drop whatever I am doing to listen to him, with no regard to my time or needs.
He also has no interest in anything I suggest we do together. On the rare occassion that we do something I have suggested, he first makes it into a huge fight. And then when we do it, I am deflated and don't really enjoy whatever it is we are doing.
The hard part of this is that when I make an effort to express my feelings, he says I am doing these very things to him - totally untrue.
I don't know if all of this is due to the one year anniversary approaching, or his true self revealing itself after all this time.
I need some feedback from people in this regard because I am without knowledge.
There is a saying that I've seen around the Al Anon rooms and it goes like this: You can take the alcohol out of the as*hat and you still have an as*hat. My AH was dry for 15 years, with no program, and he always took everything as a criticism. I stopped asking him to pick up his shoes and started putting them away for him because I got tired of the nasty remarks and sighing from him.
Just because someone is sober, doesn't really mean they are working a program of recovery. Many times the alcoholic has a lot of underlying issues that need to be dealt with and without the alcohol to mask those things, it can get worse before it gets better.
Are you in Al Anon and going to meetings? Finding a sponsor who can help you put these behaviors into perspective may help you. To me, it doesn't really matter if it's alcoholic behavior or not when my AH is a jerk. If he's being a jerk, he's being a jerk, and it's that simple. Reading about setting boundaries and removing a lot of expectations of him(and our relationship) have definitely helped me accept where we are today. Sending you lots of support!
From my experience the first yr or sobriety is very much based on commitment and as the sober date approaches alcoholics become very anxious . he is still stark raving sober , but disrespect and verbal abuse are unexceptable at any time , learn to walk away from those attacks we don't have to participate in every argument that presents its self . Trying to justify why you feel the way you do is a waste of time , he has already made up his mind he's right so he's not listening . Talk to Al-Anons they listen don't judge and for me it was just important that someone listen it didnt have to be my husband .. Just my opinion . Louise
These are both great responses and are helpful. I have so little expectations of him, but I do expect to feel valued and treated respectfully. @abbyal, he doesn't listen to me at all, not ever, he just is too selfish to allow any conversation to be about me.
I am so down today, so sad that what I imagined could be a wonderful relationship is anything but.....
I agree with both responses. My AH just passed his one year mark, and while he is working a program and doing much better than he was, there are behaviors there that I still don't like. Sometimes these are personality issues that, without serious work, don't go away with the alcohol. Boundaries are really important here and I am struggling with that myself. It's fine to be supportive of someone recovering, but they have to know what is acceptable and what's not. Alcoholism involves a lot of selfishness and un-learning those behaviors is tough. So long as you stand your ground, and take care of yourself.
Thank you again for the responses. What do you mean by boundaries, I am not sure. I try to stand my ground but he is so argumentive and it goes against every grain in my being. I am laid back, relaxed, fun loving, easy going and generous to a fault. I wonder if that makes it easier for him to behave in this manner. This one year thing stinks because we were really doing great and now I am just miserable and hurt:(
Sad to say that stopping drinking does not mean that your husband will be a loving man.
I have been living with a sober husband now for 30 years, by the end of the first 20 years I left him....and moved to another state with the kids and started with Al-Anon, he eventually joined me and A.A.
He stopped drinking all that time ago but was left with his personality and I with mine.
When he is stressed or 'out of routine' or doing something which he does not really want to do he can be very unpleasant and hostile....this is frustrating and I can get angry.
I'm long past analysing why, especially when I am trying to be helpful, because it only prolongs my anger.
But; a modern word which has popped up in the last 15 yrs or so is 'tough love' and those two words cover for me the Al-anon slogan 'First things first'.
This covers my needs first.... for determination to detach from his emotional problem, to silence, to serenity, to stay sane.
Over that time I have also read a number of books that were very helpful in my being determined to learn about poor behaviour on his, and my part....and how to protect myself.
There is a saying: "When someone shows you who he is, believe him." My practice was to make so many excuses for my partner. "But apart from X, Y, and Z, he's the most wonderful guy." The trouble was that X, Y, and Z were an integral part of him too. I kept thinking, "Once he stops being X, Y, and Z, things will be great. Like they were back before X, Y, and Z came in." But X, Y and Z had been there all along -- it's just that early on I hadn't known him well enough to see the whole package. They weren't add-ons. They were part of the real him.
What I wish someone had asked me early on was, "If you knew for certain that he was going to be like this for the rest of his life, what decision would you make?" Because the odds are great that he will be exactly as he is. Please take good care of yourself!
You stated you have little expectations of him - but it seems like the ones you do have are not being met. There are many possibilities that could be going on and it could be 1, all, or a combination of them.
1. You guys are not meant to be and are bumping heads cuz of that. 2. He is getting squirrely cuz his 1 year anniversary is approaching. 3. He is a disrespectful and selfish person by nature and that might not change. 4. You are the problem. 5. All this is just in your perception.
Furthermore, his truth and experience is undoubtedly different than yours.
So....All you can do is be true to yourself. How much are you willing to put up with? What will you do if things don't change? Is it time to step away or are you okay for now hanging in there and waiting? Those are things to pray on to your HP and to talk to your alanon supports about. Talking with him too much about it is just going to go round and round and round.
What helped me was getting to Al-anon face to face meetings, coming here to MIP, finding my sponsor and reading all the Al-anon books and literature I could get my hands on. I learned lots of slogans and tools that have made my life easier. I hope you can dive into meetings and find your serenity. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
"He is controlling and difficult, making our entire relationship revolve around his needs. It seems like all the growth I witnessed over these 10 months have completely disintegrated, and that he has no desire to work things out. I am so confused by this!"
Just speculation here... he may not be confident in himself to make the first year of sobriety. He may feel under pressure to make the first year and his feelings are coming out sideways. It could be wrapped up in his expectations of himself, the expectations of others and fear of failing himself, you and his fellows in program. Everyone has fears. Alanons too. You said he's acting controlling. It's no secret that when Alanons become fearful they become controlling. So why not alcoholics? Sometimes I think aa and alanons are a lot more alike than we care to admit.
You saw growth over the last ten months but now he's acting different. It can be hard to act nice to someone who is mistreating you but.... if the mistreatment is new, maybe stating all the growth you saw in him over the months when there is a quiet moment.. long after an argument is over; would help matters. I've asked hp to help me put away my pride at times like this and Let It Begin With Me. Take a deep breath... you'll see if all this passes in another month. Hugs! TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Great news- we had a wonderful talk yesterday and he recognized his behaviors. He is really struggling with multiple issues: one year anniversary, finalization of divorce, starting a new job and getting his own place. What was great was that he apologized profusely, thanked me for pointing out the things he needs to work out and explained how differently he interprets information. It was helpful for both of us.
He later told me he couldn't imagine his life without me and all the ways I have helped to grow and deal with life without alcohol. He loves me and never wants to hurt me. It really helped for him to express what he was feeling in a calm way.
I feel so good about us and do we believe we can work together for a wonderful relationship.
