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I have been with my husband for 4 years. He has been drinking since he was very young... mostly beer. He has had drug problems alot in the past but now only drinks. We have talked about his drinking and he knows that he is an alcoholic. We have argued alot and he will drink less for a while then goes back to drinking alot daily. We recently had a huge blow out and he is now trying to drink less and i am trying not to say anything about how much he is drinking. I have been reading posts here for several months and have been reading Getting Them Sober and learning more about how my role. He is not ready to quit and I am "okay" with that at this point as we have discussed that it is his decision to drink and it cant be my choice for him to quit. I have laid down some ground rules that he has agreed to such as absolutely no drinking in the car with our 1 year old son present (agreeing to any rule is something new for him as he "wont be told what to do").
So i can see that he is actually trying harder this time but so many things are effected by his disease. We have discussed the financial and health risks along with the risks to our son's safety and i am proud that i was able to put my foot down this time about his drinking and driving when it concerns the baby but there is so much more that bothers me and i dont want to overload him while he is trying to do better. It just kills me because i go from feeling good that things are getting at least a little better to feeling angry and irritable that there are still so many things that need to be addressed that his drinking effects. I want to talk to him about other things such as his possible addiction to porn as well but i dont want to upset the positive things that are happening. It is a very personal subject but i wonder if it is as common as google tells me it is for alcoholics to turn to porn or other things for sexual gratification due to sexual dysfunctions caused be their drinking. We have talked before about his watching porn alot and how it makes me feel but nothing has changed.
Like i said he seems to be trying a little harder this time. I believe it is because he finally realized with this last blow out that our marriage could really be at risk and there is a limit to what i will put up with. But it seems like the better things are going the less patience i have, i guess i just want everything on the table and to be dealt with all at once and i get angry/irritable alot and of course my husband seems to latch on to any negativity i have though i try not to show it. i try to let him know that i am proud of him for trying, but i dont want him to think that this is good enough... i still expect more from him.
i dont really know where i was going with this post but i thank you all for being there though i am sorry for the reasons that you are. I seldom post but reading thru the posts and the comments has helped alot mosly in feeling that im not so alone. i hope to start posting more often.
I am glad that you found Miracles in Progress and had the courage to share. I can fully identify with the feelings and the situations that you are or have been encountering . You are not alone. So happy that you have been reading and have purchased the powerful book "Gettting them Sober" it sheds light on the entire subject. Alanon is a fellowship of men and women who live or have lived with the problems created by alcoholism.
Porn, Dui's loss of job to name a few. We believe that alcoholism is a disease over which we are powerless. Because of the devastation of this disease we need a program of recovery in order to reclaim our life and self esteem . Please check out the al anon face to face meetings in your community and attend.
Breaking the isolation caused by living with alcoholism is the first step in recovery.
I can relate to the AH and to the other addiction of porn. I can also relate to walking on eggshells and trying to keep the fake upbeat face on and well it's draining. I hope you can make it to Al-anon face to face meetings this saved me from insanity! I can so relate to your story it is scary. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Dazzy - Supporting you for doing your best and working so hard at this. To not become overloaded or to fall into enabling, just remember he may say he's "trying to do better" but the lack of a recovery program is really just him trying to control a serious disease through his own will power. Until he hits bottom, there will be lots of ups and downs with him trying to "drink less" and "do better." That doesn't mean he's really trying. That's just him going through phases of the disease ("I have a problem" "No I don't" "I can control it" "No I can't") - That insanity can ensue for years. You don't need to be on eggshells all the time cuz of his disease. In his sick mind he will wind up drinking, then going "Get off my back, I'm trying to cut down!" all the while when alcoholism is still rampant.
Take time for you as much as you can in the form of Alanon and other aspects of self-care. Remember that the boundaries you set are for you and not to expect him to change so much from them.
One thing my AH told me, just yesterday as a matter of fact, is that he had to figure out on his own that he can't control his drinking and that he was lost and didn't have all the answers anymore. That was HUGE for him. He's had a DUI, was using porn more frequently, was binging often but luckily still had his job. He, too, has a major problem with authority: driving on a suspended license, complete disregard for the law, etc.
Keep coming back and reading. The most important thing is that you take care of yourself and your baby.
blow out and he is now trying to drink less and i am trying not to say anything about how much he is drinking. I have been reading posts here for several months and have been reading Getting Them Sober and learning more about how my role. He is not ready to quit and I am "okay" with that at this point as we have discussed that it is his decision to drink and it cant be my choice for him to quit. I have laid down some ground rules that he has agreed to such as absolutely no drinking in the car with our 1 year old son present (agreeing to any rule is something new for him as he "wont be told what to do").