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My husband is in in-patient treatment :/ I am happy that he is getting help but I am so scared. I visited him yesterday, he seemed happy and relieved to finally deal with his issues. However I have heard it all before, I just want this to work so bad. I am tired of feeling like I am getting the life sucked out of me, my husband is a blackout alcoholic and doesn't remember the damage that he's impacted on our family because of it. It is hard because I am really emotionally hurting and it may sound selfish but it is hard that he is gone and surrounded by help and I am here with our two little girls so depressed without any support from family or friends because they don't understand alcoholism. He is actually starting to show feelings, he used to be numb and not care about anything... I just want him to apologize for what he's done to us... Today is day 6 in his treatment, I'm just so sad and scared and anxious..... Has anyone gone through this with a spouse that could have some helpful words to get me through?
I have not gone through rehab but have observed countless others from being in AA. My observation is that they are largely focused on healing themselves a bit and getting them just stable enough to get to the point where they can go to AA meetings and be in charge of their own recovery.
Wanting to hear "I'm sorry" is normal. You probably will hear it. You may have heard a version of it already. Getting true amends in the form of him living differently and acting differently (which is true remorse and what your really want in an apology)...That doesn't come for a few months... It is usually the product of working the steps with a sponsor and going to daily AA meetings after rehab.
In the meanwhile, your one issue about not getting support from family because they don't understand alcoholism: That's a great reason to go to Alanon. Everyone there knows and understands. You can even probably bring your daughters depending on the place and if you can't find a sitter. Yes - it's his disease, but alanon can help you more than you realize....for support and to grow on your own as he is trying to do in his recovery. Two broken people can't be much support to each other. Two healthy people can. Finally this is your chance to focus on you.
I can certainly identify and understand the feelings of sadness and fear that you describe. I am glad that your hubby is in treatment and now I would like to suggest that you begin your own recovery program.
Alanon is a fellowship of men and women who live or have lived with the problem of alcoholism We too were lost, lonely , frustrated and angry. and understand as few others can.
We believe that alcoholism is a disease over which e are powerless.. That living with this disease, as we have, we have developed destructive attitudes and tools to cope and that these tools need to be replaced with constructive attitudes and tools.
Breaking the isolation, by attending an al anon face to face meeting, is a powerful step in your recovery. Please check out meetings in your community and attend. Call the number for al anon listed in your white pages and check to see if they have baby sitting services.
When my AH went into rehab I wish I had gotten into Al-Anon at that time. It would have helped tremendously in helping me deal with the recovery process. When he got out he was leaning on me to keep him sober and it was such a burden. He made me feel like it was ALL up to me when this was his recovery! After he got out I went to a few meetings, but because it didn't fit my schedule so it didn't last long. The one I could get to was later at night and he thought I was cheating on him instead of going to a meeting so I quit going. So finding a meeting is the best thing you can do for yourself!
After almost a year my AH is drinking again. He's not as bad as he was, but he will get there in time. He's quit AA completely. On top of all that I know he's using again because the signs are all there. So I've gotten back into Al-Anon because I can't go through this again on my own. I need to learn how to take care of ME this time and not lose myself in his addictions. Take care of you and your girls.
I hope you can surround yourself with Al-anon meetings and a sponsor to better help you through this. When I was really struggling Al-anon saved me. I am glad you found us here. Keep reading Al-anon literature and here at MIP and focusing on you and your self care and things can and will get better. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I understand where you are coming from wanting an apology. It was my son who went to rehab and received help but we, as a family, are still sturggling to work on our own recovery. We attend f2f meetings during the week and an NA meeting on Sundays with our son. Although we have yet to receive any apology from him for his destructive and hurtful behavior we are grateful that his recovery is working for him. It is still a struggle to go each day and not receive that apology, it still hurts. But it has to come in his time and not mine because I feel that if it comes in my time then it may not be sincere. It's tough when they first go into rehab because you are "home" trying to survive and they have 24 hours a day help to deal with their addiction. My husband is an alcoholic but has never gone to rehab for that, he has however gone to rehab for drugs, quite a few years ago. At that time I was not ready for recovery, nor did I even know that I needed to recover. I thought that him going meant that things would be "fixed" and they weren't, especially since he traded one addiction for another. I have since chosen recovery and have worked the alanon program for a few years now and now find myself also needing Nar-anon meetings to help me recover from my son's addiction. He is in recovery right now but I still want my apology, I deserve that. I still believe it needs to be on his time though and feeling that way I will wait for it because I know that as he works his program he will get to that point eventually. To me, him working his recovery program means more than receiving that apology that I know I will get when it's time. I would suggest face to face meetings, they help. You deserve recovery too. This program online is great, but F2F meetings are great too. I was a little nervous before I went to my first meeting but honestly once I got there and the meeting started I began to feel at ease. Then I kept going back. I hope you are able to start going to meetings. Also I would make sure that you take care of yourself first because if you don't you won't be able to help anybody else.
Your story mirrors mine. My AH is also in rehab (8 weeks already) and I was left a wreck with our two young daughters while he got to sort himself out in peace and quiet. I was resentful and fearful and scared.
The best thing you have done is come to the forum. I have received a lot of support and understanding here and my sense of calm is returning little by little. His journey will be full of ups and downs, and so will yours. My AH has just done his Step 5 and he is able to talk to me about issues in a very mature and comforting way. He still has a long way to go but he is getting there. Part of rehab is to come clean and address the people that you have wronged or hurt, but it is not done early on. I said to my AH on Sunday that I am looking forward to when we can talk about things and clear the air and he said to me that we will have our time for this, but it is not that time just yet. All in good time. Until then I need to work on myself so that I am open to the process and don't victimize myself and attack him because throwing blame around won't get us anywhere. Recovery is a two way street and I imagine, from my experience, that you need healing too. Try and find face to face meetings - I have not been able to attend at all because my girls are small (3 and 1) and I have no-one to babysit when meetings take place, but I will go as soon and AH is home. If you can't attend meetings then this forum is the place to be.
Hi and welcome. You've come to the right place, and I sure can idenitfy. One year ago my AH had just completed a 3 week stay in rehab and I was dealing with the pain of my world having just crumbled due to his alcoholism. Like you I have a small child and a family that loves me, but is completely unsupportive in the way that I need. Being around people who understand is crucial now. I attended a lot of meetings and came to this board and read a lot of Alanon literature and "Getting Them Sober" which I highly recommend. That saved m in those early days. In my Ah's case rehab was a start for him, followed by a strong AA program and thus far after over 1 year he is sober. We are separated but still close. Honestly, I am still waiting for the apology I feel I deserve, and I don't know if I will get it. I know he is sorry, but I don't know if I will hear it in the way I feel I should. From what he says, alcoholics go through a lot of self-loathing. I am learning to live with the fact that I may not get that apology, but so long as his actions show he is sorry, that may say enough. The most important thing now is that you take care of yourself and your kids. If you hand his recovery to his HP, and continue to focus on yourself, things will eventually fall into place. In support.
Thank you all for your kind words :) It is comforting to know that I am not alone and others have felt the way I do. Today marks day 7 of him gone. I'm trying to pick myself up, and focus on me and our two little girls. On the up side it is a calming feeling of not having the girls and I to be on eggshells in our home. I cleaned the house really well too, and got rid of all those pesky hidden liquor bottles ;) I'm having a love hate battle inside of him being gone today, I love that I don't have to worry about if I'm going to get yelled at tonight b/c I catch him drinking, and I can actually go to sleep in a nice quiet atmosphere. It is comforting to know that he is in a safe place (and so are the girls and I) and I for once do not have to worry about if hes leaving (drunk driving) while im sleeping to go get his next fix, or worry if I walk out of my room in the middle of the night the slur of combativness that will be handed to me b/c he knows hes been drinking and instantly gets defensive.... So there are some nice aspects :) I've been so used to worrying and trying to fix him over the past year that it is weird not to have to worry every second, but I must say it feels good for once. However I do miss my companion 2 undrunken days out of 7 ;) There was a sweet man in there that I do miss. I'm going to my first F2F Al-Anon meeting tomorrow, thanks for the love and support.
