where love used to live - Al-Anon Family Group

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

where love used to live

ladysingstheblues · Newbie

Hi All. I'm new to these boards, but not new to this...

I started to write a little backstory about myself, and the last ten years with my partner (engaged for the last 3)... but I just don't have the energy to relive it right now.

I've been up all night. Things are bad. Really bad. And it would not be unreasonable to say the beautiful, hopeful, healthy life we'd finally built is crumbling all around us.

It's taking every tool in my al-anon "survival box" to not sink into despair. It all seems so unfair. All the work. All the faith. All the growth. Just to find ourselves back here again.

After years of recovery, sobriety and happiness, his addiction is back in control.

And worse, the prescription drugs that the therapist prescribed to "help" him with his recent cocaine relapses have just turned into a secondary addiction.

It's almost worse than the first time around.

The debt has become unmanageable. His career is in jeopardy. There is no money left for treatment.

We had planned to get married last year and finally start the family that we had waited to have until our home was healthy and solid.

We had the deposit on the venue. The invitations were being designed. But then he relapsed. I put the wedding on hold. And the disease progressively got worse.

Now, it seems that will probably never happen... that family of ours... or any children for me at all, either with or without him. The facts are the facts... I just turned 39. Even if he was miraculously healed tomorrow... I may have already run out of time.

I chose to stay all these years, I take full ownership of that.

I just had so much faith that we'd beat the disease, for him as the addict, and me as the al-anonic. And that love would prevail. As would the happy ending.

But the disease is winning. And he's lost to me again. And at this point, he doesn't even want to try to get better anymore. He said he just wants to die.

So what do I do with that?

I feel great sadness today. Great, overwhelming, all-consuming sadness.

And I feel let down by my HP, because I prayed on this for years. And it always seemed that the signs I got were to love and be patient and believe.

I know feelings aren't facts. And I know that I'm not in control. And I know that God doesn't give us more than we can handle...

And yet, I feel like I can't handle this anymore... this pain... the fear... and I'm so tired. I'm so incredibly tired.

But I feel there is no way out... no matter where I turn... with or without him... it's sadness either way.

So, that's all. I'm back on the boards. Back in the meeting rooms. Hopefully there is a greater lesson in this the second time around.

I'm looking forward to getting to know you all. Thank you for listening.

Icie · Senior Member

I sure can relate, but then I can relate to everyone.
Nothing turned out in my life the way I had hoped & prayed for.
But for the grace of my HP, Al anon meeting & working the 12 steps, the best to my ability, I am ok.
Keep coming back.
Go to Al anon face to face meetings
Miracles will happen.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

My marriage eventually crumbled due to the disease of alcoholism. I tried to pray it healthy and stayed until i bottomed out and broke. I then felt led to get myself healthy and not focus on any relationship for a year and it was a great year. This year I am back in school and heading towards a career so that I can get out of all this debt I am carrying around from my past. I dove into Al-anon meetings in the worst of it and into healthy hobbies to keep myself headed up and out of my despair. My sponsor was also great at helping me stay on course. I am sending you love and support!

WornOutMrsFixIt · Senior Member

It sounds like you both tried to do everything right and still, here you are again. Relapses are devastating, almost as much as the first realization that the person you love is an alcoholic. My AH has only had short episodes of sobriety but I know the feelings of hope that come with it and the let down when the signs were back that he was drinking again. So sorry to hear that it sounds like he doesn't want to fight anymore. SO hard to want it more than they do. This disease is heartbreaking but you will be okay. Stick around here - lots of wisdom and support.

ladysingstheblues · Newbie

Thank you all for your replies and the words of encouragement. The greatest good that has come out of this disease for me has been discovering this fellowship. It restores my faith in humanity and enables me to become a better human being. I am truly humbled by the kindness and wisdom of those I have met on this journey... both in the meeting rooms and on the boards. Words of strangers from miles away and beyond have provided comfort, light and clarity in the darkest of hours. You are all heroes to me.

The hardest part of it is still focusing on me. Remembering that I am just as important... that I too am broken... that I have become sick as well... that controlling is not helping...that I have choices... that I need to take "my medicine"... that my purpose in life is my own... and I have not been put on this earth for the express purpose of being an accessory/tool/helper/co-pilot/enabler/hinderer/savior/etc. to someone else's disease or journey.

My love for my qualifier is only just that... love.

It is not magic. It is not all powerful. It cannot cure.

Thanks again and God Bless. I wish you all a beautiful day.

Painful as it may be, a significant emotional event can be the catalyst for choosing a direction that serves us - and those around us - more effectively. Look for the learning. ~ Louisa May Alcott

Auntyaya · Senior Member

Your description could be most any of us who have lost relationships and watched the dissolution of families. I left a 3o year marriage 2 1/2 years ago. It has not been easy,but it has been easier and more beneficial to ME than staying in the stagnant relationship I was in.

I am redisovering my joyful self that got lost along the way, bit by bit. And, I like who I am rediscovering. And, I think my adult kids are liking who their "real" mother is..not the controlling bitch I had turned into.

You WILL get through this, Lady..you WILL...who among us have the life we thought we would have? However, I find I am grateful for the life I do have....and you will get through each day and be stronger each day. I wish you well.....

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

I could have written EVERY WORD of your post myself. GOing into the rerlationship with such love and forward looking, then having it all crash and burn around you. Sadness either way you look; leave him or not. I know it all. I have lived it all. What to say to you? I can only say this: Like myself, you sound like a strong and determined woman. I know you are tired, but you'll rise like the proverbial phoenix just like I will, and both of us will learn to fly again. You just wait and see!!! My every thought and hope is with you and I send positive energy your way.

Very best wishes, Diva

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.