Love - Al-Anon Family Group

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Love

slogan_jim · Senior Member

My name is slogan_jim. Over the years growing up in an alcoholic home, around a father who sometimes never loved himself, putting up with his abusive and alcoholic partners, and a mother that was never around, I find I have gathered a very distorted view on what love is. I don't know what it is anymore and don't think I ever have. I feel this has affected me and gotten in the way of my happiness. I see love and relationships as something very superficial. I say I want one thing but deep down it's like I want some trophy to parade around to prove to everyone else that I am worthy. I want to share my life with someone. I don't know how and I don't know what that means. I am so lonely and bitter. Thank you

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

SJ --

I am back on the dating scene after divorcing my A. It is SUCH a struggle. I have met and liked a few men...and what I am finding is that very few want a REAL relationship...where there is legitimate give and take...to a man that I have dated they all want SEX with no strings, no expectations. Relationships on their terms only, and for their needs. And really, I am an amazing woman...I am quite attractive, smart (ph.D) own my own home, am honest and loyal...etc...yet...

I am so alone. I feel like MY needs as a person are completely invisible. This weekend I was driving along..and just burst into tears..alone in the car.

I think our society supports superficiality in many ways...and people just can't handle true and lasting relationships...just my opinion.

You're not alone in feeling alone and discouraged.

RP

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs,

I think I will always be the bumble bee in specific situations. This is one of them, I really do believe that as I heal, respect myself more, respect my boundaries, respect my independence as I respect them with the same things I will be able to have healthy relationship. Personally, I don't know what that means to me .. healthy relationship as a friendship or healthy relationship in the romatic side. I need healthy relationships in my life. Not all relationships are good or bad .. they just are and they are a mirror of who I am in that moment.

That being said though as long as I don't see myself as worthy of being treated well I never will be. My focus is not about being alone or being in a relationship at this point. The damage that has been done 16 years into this relationship is huge dent in me. I lost me completely and totally. I was just starting to become a young woman an adult woman when I got into it. Boy oh boy I was so not ready. I chose someone who was so much sicker than I realized too. Which again is no accident as my first Ex was a drug addict .. so the fact I picked an alcoholic next .. is not shocking.

In AA's book 12 Steps and 12 Traditions I can't remember where it talks about not being in a relationship for 18 months into recovery. It's one of the only places I think it's actually written in AA's lit about not being in a relationship. It's always recommended, in both programs however actually written, that's it. I think in some ways as the non addict (I'm talking about to alcohol and/or drugs) it takes us longer to heal and get right. I know I went through all this stuff stark raving sober and I twisted, distorted my own thought process far worse than it had been before that. I'm just now getting to the point I can even feel anything outside of anger all the time. Even that was muted in a weird way.

Anyway, my point .. LOL .. I had a point and I have been distracted by the going on's at home ... lol. Nothing new :).

My point .. oh yes, my point is that until my thought pathways are healed (everyone has to come to their own conclusion when this happens for them) to a point I can gain confidence in making healthier decisions and know who I am, in my case until way after my divorce is finalized, I have no business being in a romantic relationship. I will continue to get what I have gotten .. with a different haircut maybe better, maybe worse. It doesn't change what needs to be healed in me. It only stops temporarialy the bad feelings I have inside of me until that wears out and I find I am still frustrated and unsure of who I am. My insecurities will flail and I will become a hot mess all over again. Maybe worse and I have to look at the message I am sending my children about relationships .. being afraid of being alone and accepting anything as a relationship or accepting that life is painful (it's making the moments that are joyful be that much more sweet) and facing fear is the only way to fly.

This is exactly why I will keep coming back though because I am in need of so much healing and I don't want to live out the next 16 years feeling bitter and helpless. I mean helpless in the sense of what is wrong with everyone else instead of putting the focus into living the best life I can.

I sooo understand the frustration to the point of feeling desperate and scared all at the same time. I just absolutely know without question I do not want another J in my life. I can't do it again to the kids or to myself. I would rather be alone, face the world with my HP leading the way than go through this kind of hell again. I also know I'm not ready and that's ok too.

Hugs P :)

Icie · Senior Member

WOW....I hear both of you. I too way back many years ago felt exactly like you guys do. It took me years to start to feel good about myself....After my Divorce from my AH. A year later I dated a man for a few years, yep you guessed it,he was a Alcoholic, He hid his drinking really good but it raised its ugly head. I got out of that & moved on, continued going to meetings, a few years later I met the most charming, caring, loving guy. He treated me like gold, had me up on the mantle, I was his trophy. Guess what he was a recovering alcoholic, & never told me. 6 months after dating he went back drinking....So I ended that...doubled up on my meetings......No dating for another 5 years worked on myself, went for deep cancelling...last 5 years been in a healthy relationship.
There is always hope.
Keep coming back

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Slogan Jim

Thank you for your honesty. I am so very impressed with your program. It was powerful to see how you examined your motives and discovered what deep hidden motives were driving your need. When I started to really see my motives and the pain they caused in my life I found this a great step in healing.

I learned how to "LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY " in alanon. by using the tools,, living one day at a time, focused on myself without gossiping. criticizing or judgement of others. I was given the powerful tools of compassion. empathy,understanding, and self respect. These all added up to loving others.

Keep showing up you are doing fine.

slogan_jim · Senior Member

Thanks everyone. I am glad to see that I am not the only one going through this. One thing I am also realizing is that now that I am able to feel and accept hurt and weakness, I have realized what it is that I am missing. It's painfully lonely. I also find myself crying more often, whether it be before I go to bed or randomly when I am alone. What is scaring me is that once my dad passes away I will have noone. He recently went through surgery to have his prostate removed and I had noone to go through that with. He is also alone and had noone to go through that with.

slogan_jim · Senior Member

My impatience and refusal to give this to my higher power is a sign of my old habits kicking in, but I feel this is an area where my higher power has let me down. After going through turmoil my whole life, I am finally in a normal, clear thinking place and it's as if I can't handle it. I can't handle happiness it seems.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope you are able to dive into meetings and your program. My sponsor helped me through the thick of my hardships and I am much healthier using her as my sounding board the last year and a half. Sending you love and support!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, a great author is Leo Buscaglia. He writes about love, and gives talks about it. There is one book that is all quotes that is wonderful.

once read a book, "How to live with another person. sorry my fingers are stiff today...anyway it sure did teach me a lot.

I think giving of yourself teaches about love. Looking at yourself and finding one thing you love and then find another. stop that negative bolony in your head becuz you are just fine how you are.

am not beautiful anymore, am almost sixty. But I love the me I was given. I love that my eyes work, I can still walk, I love dandilions, seeing little kids play, animals be goofy. I think we have to open up and let things in, we have to be vulinerable to a point. Allow ourselves to be who we really are, and like it.

I have been misunderstood many times about my innate attatchment to animals. It was so much me I never cared what anyone thought. I still don't. I think part is standing up for what you are passionate about, that part that is so you, you cannot change it.

sometimes we need to get to know ourselves, self help books, personal development classes. questions from a good counselor to make you think.

I think too when we may not have had the love we needed from a parent, that giving to others in a geriatric environment would be great.

this was a great share, you put it out there, that is huge. I can tell you the best way to learn about love is to adopt a lonely hurting dog from a shelter. That dog will teach you more about love than about anything. I can guarentee it.

also when you walk it in parks etc People will talk to your dog and to you. It will ease the lonliness. Also volunteering at a s shelter and or animal sanctuary would be great.

another one is working challenged people. I am telling you most of them know more about love than anyone.

Hugs and sending you loving energy, debilyn

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

In al-anon, I "came to believe" that I already have everything I will ever need, right with me. I don't ever need to go searching for it elsewhere, that is my codependent thinking again. Whenever I forget that, I walk around in my dis-ease, relying on others and situations to bring me happiness and become my salvation. Those fearful thoughts make for profoundly lonely and unhappy days for me.

Al-anon taught me that I have a disease of perception. I don't have to sit around and wait for love, I can change the things I can, not some day off in the future, but today. When I am feeling lonely and unloved, I am probably lonely for MYSELF and probably not doing enough to take care of my own mind, body and spirit. I can take action to change that.

My sponsor taught me to "let it begin with me" by making a list of the things that I love to do, to list all the things that make me feel good and bring me more joy. She told me to regularly do those things and also to regularly acknowledge to myself that I am choosing to do them. That exercise makes me happy, someone (the only one available for now!) is giving me the time, attention and thoughtful consideration I am longing for. I have the power to do that, I just didn't know.

Give yourself exactly what it is you want in a relationship FIRST. The rest will take care of itself, that's what works for me. (((hugs)))

-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 25th of September 2012 02:14:32 PM

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

I realized after a lot of disappointment that the best thing I could do for myself was work on myself and have non romantic relationships until I was capable of more. I didn't have good boundaries for myself or others and I chose emotionally unavailable people who I knew were emotionally unavailable because it gave me control of the relationship. Things remained at a very superficial level of two people looking good together, lots of physical chemistry, lots of materialism but no emotional depth and exploration. This was basically living a fantasy and not seeing the other person as a person. I was seeking that and the person I attracted was seeking that too. It was all based on outward esteeming instead of spiritual growth and self actualization. I rode that wave for awhile because I'd really loved my exah and just hadn't let him go. People I had romantic relationships with after the ex were just placeholders. I still had a broken picker, Jim.

After lots of confusion, I made a decision to take a few years off from dating anyone. I spent time with my higher power, program people and joined social groups (non romantic) to learn more about what I liked and didn't, how to enjoy my own company and others without pressure, be alone and good with that, and to form caring friendships with other people. I really began to believe that my higher power would bring someone into my life when the time was right for that. Was it really that important to have a romantic relationship with someone when I didn't even have a solid relationship with myself and or the god of my understanding? Likely not.

I'm glad I took the time to know myself. It's the best relationship I've ever had. I've stopped waiting for someone else to make me happy. This is just my experience. Take what you liked and leave the rest. Oh.. and hp did bring someone into my life when I let go and let god. Odaat Jim. TT

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