Denial was bliss compared to this! - Al-Anon Family Group

gracealone · Member

Denial was bliss compared to this!

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

To come out of denial is quite painful; that is true.

However, what follows is priceless in the longrun.

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

Denial was meant to take care of us until we were ready to accept the truth. My AHsober acted similar to yours. He would cut me off, withhold affection, conversation, then blame it on me. I would plead with him to talk to me. It would never happen. He consequently left the marriage. When one person gives and the other withholds, it is not a relationship. I hope it works out for you.

Nancy

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Grace rather than trying to help him,or her, we learn to help ourselves.

To ask the church for support for you and kids, goes a lot further than to get into his disease.

A's do not like for us to try to control or change them. They do not appreciate us betraying their right to choose how they live, by bringing in outsiders.

In my experience that is not a wise decision at all. He knows he is sick, he knows what his disease is doing. He knows better than anyone.

Plus if these church goers are not A's there is no way they are going to understand. They can make it so much worse.

It is up to him to call out for help. Their disease is not our business. He knows he can call AA anytime.

I know you are desperate, however the best thing we can do for our A is allow them the dignity to make their own choices. Same as we want.

Keep coming! love,debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Grace...Thanks for the reminder of when I came to get help in Al-Anon. I knew nothing about alcoholism and even that one little part called denial. The early fellowship had me face my own denial when after they heard me whine and complain about my alcoholic/addict they asked the question, "So what's your part in it"? Find the solution to that question required for me to take a hard look at myself and take my focus completely off of my alcoholic/addict wife. Alcoholism is a equal opportunity disease and there are lots of people playing a part in it. I had to find out what part I played cause that is the only part I can change. If you are not already attending face to face Al-Anon meetings in your area I suggest going to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up and call the hotline number for Al-Anon. Come as quickly as you can cause there are many solutions and miracles waiting for you. Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

Auntyaya · Senior Member

You are so right....myXAH did the same thing...it's almost like they are not engaged in the world around them. I cold be sad and crying and it was like I was not even there...a very inhumane reaction to someone you are supposed to care about. I still am AMAZED at the level of selfishness, self involvement...just the general SELF in alcoholism..is there a SELFAHOLISM?guess that wHY Our recovery depend on us taking care of ourselves.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Alcoholism = Insanity

You have stopped enabling him and that is hugely threatening to his ego and to the disease itself. The disease of alcoholism will have him so self-centered that he cannot or will not fathom how it has been affecting you. It will tell him you are attacking him, undermining him, emasculating him, and going behind his back. All of those things will probably seem real but the fact is, you are no longer playing the game and he and his alcoholism are really angry about that.

It's hard for you to not to take that personally, but I just wanted to back you up that you are strong and you are not alone. You can make choices and be okay with your decisions. Let your higher power guide you. He cannot even do that because alcohol is his higher power. Breathe deep and take this 1 day at a time, on minute at a time. Folks in alanon are there to support you so that you know you are not all by yourself.

Also, just because his alcoholism took a progressively downward turn (as it tends to do), that doesn't mean the whole marriage was a sham. It doesn't mean it's all going to be peachy if he stops drinking either. What is closer to the truth is that the marriage has been under assault by his disease and the fall out from it and that neither of you really planned for it.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I am right where you are today, Grace. Coming out of denial, trying to face the truth, only to fall back into denial because it's easier, and then realizing that the truth is there now. I can now see the elephant in the room yet my AH can't/won't. If you ever want to PM me, please feel free. There is wonderful support here on these boards, but I find face to face meetings to be the best place for support. A real life hug always makes things seem easier and the folks in Al Anon are always willing to give you one! You've gotten some wonderful feedback here! It has helped me, as well, and I'm grateful for your post. Have a beautiful day today!

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Well this was another dejavue post for me , my husb was famous for not talking to me for weeks and it used to drive me crazy until I had sharred this at a meeting one day and a woman came up to me after and asked * Have you thought of enjoying the silence ??* I imediatley thought how stupid is that , then she said think about it he's not complaining or trying to pick a fight , not telling me what a looser I am etc . she said turn up the music and dance enjoy the silence . now that was a new concept sheeesh . She reasured me that if I didnt react to what he was doing went on with my life that the silences would get shorter , she was absolutley right .

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

This thread is amazing...its why I keep checking in. I too hang on to the denial stage. The truth is sad, painful, frusteating, lonely....i could go on. But I visit this firum to face the truth...i married an alc. Hes selfish, hes addicted and hes not really capable of being in a relationship...with anyone. That said...ive stayed...its been 13 years and one child...and here I sit...alone...but ...is alone all bad...the house is quiet, I can go to bed alone...its peaceful...problem is...he left here at 2pm...its now 930pm....im guessing his whereabouts but im annoyed...no call to rell his daugh gnight, no call to sat he woukdnt be home for dinner...its so selfush...hes in his own world. Hes not a terrible person by most standars...just addicted to alc and himself. Sad to adm really...and I see litle change in sight but yet I stay....its as if im a single mom with an occasional ovsrnight guest...of course its still on his terms.
Not sure if im detached, in denial, angry and resentful or all of the above....its maddening thats for sure.

IWannaFly · Veteran Member

I totally understand what you are expressing! I thought I was past my denial about his drinking problems and how it affected our relationship. Thought I had that handled, BUT after a series of horrific events I had him move out. Going on 2 months now longest time without speaking to him in yrs. I find myself struggling with the same issues you describe looking back on everything from a slightly different perspective then when I was active in the relationship. Did/Do I really love him or did/do I love the home with him I thought we were working on building? IDK cause he was never really vested in either our relationship or making a home together. Did he ever really care or was the whole thing a farce? How can you treat someone they way they do and really care? Was this again my fantasy? My denial? Was I a drunkards dream and the entire thing was made up in my head living in complete denial? Remember at the beginning I thought I had a handle on my denial. I now know I did not, because all these questions torture & sadden me even more now. I can no longer live in denial even though many - many times I wish for the fantasy to play out just one more day then face what I am left with, to no longer deny. I am working on my denial at a deeper level now I guess is a good way to describe it. I didn't know this extensive denial was buried in me....
Hugs to you!

gracealone · Member

Thanks, everyone for the encouragement. It is so comforting to know I am not alone. I am going to be starting a new thread on boundaries. Please look for it and share your experiences.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.