The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new here and would like to attend face to face meetings, but the scheduled meetings are at times and days that I cannot attend. So I figued this is better than nothing.
So anyway, I have been dating someone for a little more than a year now, and we have had a very dramtic relationship filled with deep love and affection. The best way to explain it would to say it is like a pendulum of extremes.
I dont really know if my BF is an alcoholic or not, but I do know he was once a drug addict and went through a program to detox from drugs. During that program they used antibuse to deter him from using alcohol, but he insists he did not go through the treatment for alcohol. I know I know, if he werent an alcoholic then why would he be treated for it? I have argued the insane denial so many times, and it is always pointless. I conclude that I know he is a former alcoholic and he is in denial over it. Since I have known him, I have not seen him drink more than three beers in one night, so I guess that is what confuses me about his addiction.
The rest of his history is this, he is also suffering major depression, anxiety, PTSD, and many other addictions. He is a mental out of control mess. He is in counseling with a therapist, but in this part of the country the quality of a good therapist is very hard to find, and when you do find one, it is impossible to get in a session. So his mental care is insufficient in my opinion.
So now that you know a little about him, here is my problem. I love the man, and yet I cant live with him. He hates being lonely, so he constantly calls me all day long while I am at work, which is very annoying and unprofessional. He knows this but he cant help himself. He is also very jeleous, so I think he calls so much just to check on me.
Recently he has been making many changes and progress to control his behaviors. He really is a loveing man so much fun to be with when he is on the right track. But whenever something happens, such as a crisis, he goes right back to the old ways. The last crisis his a health problem. I think he may have been diagnosed with prostate cancer, but I dont really know as he wont tell me. He just tells me he dont want to drag me through the stuff he going to have to go through, and he dont want to hurt me. Then he turns again and says he needs me and he dont want to go through this alone. It is a constant contradiction, one right after another with him. He will say one thing then turn around and do or say another completley opposite. Im like a yoyo on a sting. I'm very tired of it and I have left so many times that I dont know anymore what I want. I love him and I dont want to leave him but I know I cant live like this. Furthermore we both only have eachother down here. We live in a part of the country that is almost like living in another third world country. We have no family down here, so we are literally dependant on eachother, which only aids in this sickness we are in. Not only do I want to leave this sick relationship, I also want to leave this sick environment, but I cant, due to job requirements. I feel so trapped in so many ways, and I am desperate for sanity and peace. I go to church (and awsome church at that)on a regular basis, but I cant make any close relationships there, I just feel like an outsider there too. I think overall I have a hard time developing new and close relationships mostly because of the schedule I have with my job. Furthermore I am a military member and most women my age cannot relate to my needs and struggles. I am just so lost in all this mess, that I dont know where else to go or what I can do. I m in so much pain from his pulling and jerking my strings, breaking and making my heart and pouring the guilt and blame all on me. Someone please tell me what to do!
Hi soldiermom, welcome! Since you don't have much access to in person Alanon meetings, I would suggest online meetings at MIP or any number of Alanon meetings that are available on the internet that might fit into your schedule. It sounds like you've found a connection in the church you've found and hopefully you can expand on that and make a few friends. Working the Alanon steps can help for making the life changes you are now considering. Keep sharing, keep coming back. Hugs TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Soldiermom, you sound like you have lots of interesting traits and cool things about you. I am not sure why it is so hard to make other friends and more of a support network. It would seem that you might want to do some work on why that is. You have like a billion reasons why you say you cannot get close to other people other than this guy who drives you nuts. How about sorting through how much of your reasons for not making stronger friends and a support network and figuring out how much those assumptions are true versus fear based (thinking others will not relate to you or not wanting to risk making friends or put yourself out there)?
This guy may not be in active alcoholic/drug addict mode, but he does sound pretty controlling and I know from experience that when you are with someone like that, you allow them to make your world so very small and that you actually believe you cannot make friends when you really can.
Welcome to MIP! In this program they tell us to "Keep it Simple." You mentioned alot of different issues. Maybe just focus on a few. Also, they tell us to focus on ourselves. For the alcoholics/addicts, whether they are sober or not, they will always be alcoholics/addicts. Keep coming back.
