The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Al entered into our marriage too. And in walked Codee
While alcoholism certainly affects us personally, and our relationship, so does our own codependency. Since all we can control is our part in the merry-go-round, that's where I switched my focus.... my part.
You wanting to "help" Al out of the relationship is something I did too. but I found it was futile, I fought that battle over and over. and lost that battle over and over. it's a battle that cannot be won unless your partner is the one who wants to fight it. Maybe he wants Al around, my husband sure did. Fighting Al made my life unmanageable.
Eventually, I let go and just let him have Al. I continue to work on getting Codee to leave, lol
I need Al-anon because people don't always act the way I want em to act. not on the road, not at work, not in my home, not at the mall..... I need a program of recovery to help me with that because I find no serenity when I tie my emotional well-being to the actions of others. If people want to be friends with Al, that's their business. not mine.
I hope you keep coming back, my friend, so we can work on our relationship with Codee together ((hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Saturday 22nd of September 2012 08:41:20 AM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I am new to this board but after reading a few of the posts and saying to myself several times "whoa that sounds familar" I think I may have found the right place to be. I apologize if this first post is a bit long...
In a nutshell... my partner is a recovering addict. We have known each other for one year and earlier this year moved in together. He was sober only a few months when I met him having just come out of rehab. He was treated for substance abuse and as he tells me that included alcohol. A few months after meeting each other, we were out at a club with some friends and he convinced me it would be OK if he had a few drinks that night - that he would be able to stop at will. We had both been dry since we met since alcohol was never something I felt i had to have to have a good time. Anyway I believed him and being very naive to the whole concept of addiction - i thought ok well he must know what he is talking about. That night was the night I blindly and ignorantly opened the door and welcomed in the third person in our relationship - alcohol (i'll call him Al for the purposes of this posting). At first Al would only come around on weekends and then a few times during the week and then became a regular fixture every day. My partner would lie to me about Al... say he hadn't dropped by that day when in fact he did - and eventuallyAl moved in and was taking half the closet space while all the while my partner was going to AA meetings and lying to them as well about the existance of Al.
I never in my life imagined that something that comes in a bottle could become such a powerful, living force. I used the analogy of a "3rd person" because that is exactly how it feels. Alcohol or I guess more specifically the disease of alcohol dependancy became as powerful as a 3rd person in our relationship.. and dare i say often the dominant person. And I found myself getting pulled in by Al's charms as well. I too began associating Al with having fun. All our friends seemed to also embrace Al so it meant in order to have friends and have fun... Al was always the common denominator. But the difference between me and my partner is that I would regret Al the morning after... he didn't.
Fortunately, an incident at work prompted my partner to jump back on the wagon and breathing a huge sigh of relief so did I . We have not gone out drinking for weeks, have not seen our friends..., I am going back to the gym (I was an avid health nut before Al showed up) .... so all seemed good.... Al was thrown out , suitcase in hand and I began to reclaim the lost closet space. But I hear him right outside the door. Pacing the hallway pleading for one of us to open the door and let him back in. And I too find myself having to remember why I don't want Al back.... i love my partner... and I know we are 100% doing the right thing... but its been hard... I know he is missing the "fun" Al brought to the relationship and at times so do I. I know we have to find a way to get fun back without having to let Al back in. Sometimes I just don't know how to do it. My partner is trying but most of the time he just wants to sit at home, watch tv or sleep. I suggest doing things and either get a "im too tired" or a luke warm "that would be fun" and then it never happens.
There have been some great moments without Al, waking up on a saturday or sunday morning and not having to spend the day dealing with "Al recovery" from the night before. I feel like if I can just get him to focus on those like I am, eventually Al will leave the building.
I'd suggest going to AA. This sound pretty similar to my story. You said your partner has been already - He would benefit from taking a white chip, getting a new sponsor and being honest this time. Your sobreity journey and alanon too if you choose it, is your own. If you try a double recovery codependent style, it's going to have less chance of success. Each of you has your own program to work.
It's good to hear things are on the upswing though. Just reread your post and how powerful you described "Al" to be. "Al" is not going to stay at bay without some really powerful and ongoing recovery actions.
