Don't understand how they can be so selfish! - Al-Anon Family Group

Amemadchen · Newbie

Don't understand how they can be so selfish!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

When someone shows you who they are .. that's exactly who they are, nothing I can do or not do is going to change who they are or where they are at. I can make decisions and choices to make myself healthy and put myself in a position to feel better about where I am at.

I'm very sorry for your pain. So glad you are here though, in this fellowship you will find out you are not alone. I hope you will keep coming back and maybe instead of sitting home alone on a friday night see if there are some face to face alanon meetings in your area. Break out of whatever isolation you have going on. It truly gets better.

Hugs P :)

TrudyS85 · Senior Member

Amemadchen, I too am questioning my life at 45, it is HARD. Pushka is 100% right when someone shows you who they are - believe them! If I had done that 10 years ago my life would be in such a different place. But, since our time machines are broken we can't go back and undo that time, we can only move forward. This is the hardest thing I have ever done seperating from my AH, and he is not making it easy, but oddly I still feel better than I have in a long time, mostly because I am finally letting myself FEEL. I spent too many years wrapped up in his drama and his emotion and how HE was feeling that I pushed down my own in an attempt to keep the peace - it never worked. Now that I am on this new journey I find myself getting mad, jealous, sad, hopeful, it's different every day but I am FEELING it all and letting others know I'm feeling and learning to express myself again. My AH is not enjoying it, he would be happy to keep me contained and in check and feeding his disease - for me I finally said "no more". Get to a meeting if you can, it will help, we all understand and are here for you. Hugs and prayers, ts

Jsjjkelly · Member

My ah husband used to say he couldn't drink in front of me because he didn't want to hear me comment. He'd say he'd only want to have a beer or 2, but then I'd say around 6-8 "think you've had your 1-2 already?" Now that he's been working on his sobriety I asked him about that. He said it was because he'd get embarrassed that he had drank that many already and resented me pointing it out to him. Not sure if it applies to you, but I completely understand where you're at. I'm turning 40 in a little over a month and I didn't think I'd be here at this stage of my life either. I don't think anyone ever plans "deal with an alcoholic" into their life plans!!! Hang in there! None of this is your fault. Work your steps! Shawn

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Try not to enable alcoholic thinking either. His job doesn't ruin his mood making him want to drink. He wants to drink and uses job, relationship....any kind of stress as an excuse. That is how it works. It''s not about his moods. The alcohol controls everything.

All of us have jobs and most of us do not use it as an excuse to act like children and go to the bar and get hammered every night. I used to do that and make that excuse so I know that game.

Amemadchen, I can only recommend that you go to alanon instead of continuing to wish for him to be different and to want him to change more than he wants it for himself. Go to alanon and start building yourself up, doing things YOU want to do that don't always have to involve him. There are many things to do on a friday night that do not involve him. Go out and enjoy the life you have. He's the one in prison at the bar because he has an addiction. You can let yourself out of the prison any time and walk into an alanon meeting (and from there, anywhere else)..

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Of course you do not understand you are not an addict! Selfishness is one of the symptoms of being an addict. It is a disease, just like any other, he did not choose it.

I invite you to read,"Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew volume one. It will answer almost every question.

Al Anon can help you if you really work the program.

We all sure understand and sympathize with you! Just know as the addict gets older, the disease gets so much worse. It is not personal, has nothing to do with you. He is a very sick man.

I hope you keep coming back. If you do,I promise you will find what you need.

love,debilyn

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

In the Big Book, it talks about self will run riot. Or the King Baby. My AHsober to the "T". I think the disease drives him in order to survive. It is painful - going through a divorce at 62 after an almost 40 year marriage. He has no clue the impact or the loss. Without recovery, he will always be who he is. Sad but I trust in my HP to have a better life for me.

Nancy

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.