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My AH apologized for his comments about the rapist thing. He has been very nice this week since I caught him in the middle of a relapse this weekend. I have withdrawn physically from him, not to punish him but basically because I just don't feel anything for him right now. I am being pleasant and we even did a puzzle together last night. He came to sleep in our bed last night for the first time in months.
Anyway, I was angry during his apology. I kept saying(in my head): That's it? That's all you want to apologize for? I know he was making amends for that one thing and I guess I just have to accept that it's enough. When I delicately brought up the drinking, he said, "Well, that's something that we can discuss with the marriage counselor. I just wanted to apologize for hurting you so deeply. That was not my intention." I brought up how I made mention of this comment at least 3 other times giving him a chance to apologize but he chose to back up what he said, and even threw more ammo onto the fire. He even did this in front of the marriage therapist and now he says that he didn't mean it, that he is lonely and doesn't understand what's going on. Honestly, I can't seem to keep my head on straight. What's the truth? What do I believe and what do I want to believe?
So, turned it all over to my Higher Power. I thanked him for the apology and accepted it, and then went on with my day. No resentment, no nothing. I was angry at first but I realized that it was the fact that I had some unmet expectations during that conversation. I expected him to apologize for the drinking, for the mess he's put the family through, for the other mean things he's said on top of the one he apologized for, etc. I realized that he gave me what he is capable of giving for today. He tried to make amends, I didn't accept it with much grace at first, but I tried to let it go eventually and give it to God. It will take a long time to ever trust him with my intimate thoughts and feelings, maybe it will take longer than either of us will wait for? Who knows. All I know is that I am on God's path for ME and that it's going to be OK!
Aloha Bonnie...that was such a grow share and I loved it cause I can run it thru the filter of my own journey past and present. I heard the Al-Anon message "We are not perfect..." and I'm grateful to hear it each and every time cause it gives me purpose and courage to remain on the journey and change. I hear my old lessons on margin and mercy for the alcoholic which at first took my breath away because I was soooo afraid of getting off my alcoholic/addicts back with having one of the feelings that if I do I loose her...not realizing that when I did I was driving her away along with the bottles and the drugs. Thanks much for the reminders on applying Higher Power. Today I consign myself to my HP...first and continually...like you have shared here. If I know that anything in this program works its my allowing my Higher Power to direct and manage my life and will. I wake up to a personal 3rd step prayer..."Show me where you want me and tell me what to do". You found out why you were angry, lack of acceptance, strict expectations and trouble with forgiveness. You worked thru it and gave it away to us. Mahalo Nui (((((hugs)))))
Bonnie, I do believe that your husband doesn't mean to hurt you most of the time. You have described a person very sick, insecure, and using all sorts of elaborate defenses to avoid his giant ego getting bruised. Does this mean you guys are going to get through things together? Dunno. But you do seem more focused on dealing with things a step at a time.
Of course the response of "That's something to talk about in marriage counseling" when confronted about relapse drinking is sort of pointless. His drinking has a life of its own and it's not related to the marriage. "That" is something to be brought up in his individual counseling or AA (which is why you wanted those things). His drinking is his issue and if you let him make it a marriage issue, it will drive you crazy again.
Thank you both for the support. Right now, I know he knows I let my boundary get crossed. He knows (as of 4 weeks ago) that I wanted him to move out if I caught him drinking again. I think that's why I got angry. I felt it was just another manipulation tactic to keep himself in our lives, to get into my pants(he keeps stating he's lonely and is now sleeping in our bedroom and says he misses me), and to avoid the real problem which is the drinking and everything that became fallout from alcoholic behavior.
I am not ready to trust him yet, intimately or physically. His apology sounded sincere but that doesn't mean I'm ready to be vulnerable to him any time soon. I want recovery in my life and living with someone who's active in their disease is really taking it's toll on me emotionally. I am growing through the program of Al Anon, and I feel like he's clawing at me to drag me back down with him.
Pinkchip, you noted that the drinking is HIS issue and that it's not a marriage issue. I see it completely different. His drinking AND the behaviors that fallout from being an alcoholic have everything to do with our marriage. If he is not in recovery, then I know I'm going to be getting lies, super ego, manipulation, possibly more problems with the law which will become a family problem for all of us. Most of us on here know that marriage counseling is never successful if the alcoholic is still actively drinking. I guess my issue is, 'how is the marriage counselor going to help us if my AH keeps lying, blaming, minimizing, etc when it comes to talking about the drinking?' and how will that be helpful to our marriage as a whole? I guess I'm making a bigger deal about the fact that he's still drinking even though he professed he was done with it, but I have come to accept that that's what he is. Now, I just have to decide if I want to stay married to it. We all know that alcohol abuse and the fallout become progressive, things get worse. Can I handle worse? And, at what cost? Those are the questions I am putting to ME at this point. So, I guess I see the drinking may be HIS issue, but it's an issue that has major implications to our family. My son started with a therapist a few weeks ago and apparently the drinking is a bigger issue to him than I originally thought.
Sorry Bonnie...Let me clarify. It's his issue to work on. It's his issue to address in recovery.
This is NOT to say it's not perfectly good enough reason for you to end the relationship, not trust him, or do whatever it is you need to do for you if that's what you choose. Remember, I left my ex-A so I would never tell you that his drinking is not a potential marriage ender. I just was hoping he wouldn't suck you into thinking it's a topic you can work on in marriage therapy. It sounded like he was gonna bring it up as something to debate in a marriage therapy session which sounds pretty pointless and another attempt to make his drinking about you and your relationship.
Hi Bonnie!
I read through your post, and my ah and I are going through something similar. We just had a discussion about this because AA sure seems to teach them it's their responsibility, as it should be. You always read about them, them, them, them. And at times, I'm like "what about me, me me???" He makes time to go to AA meetings, which I applaud and support. Yet, here I am with the kids, the whole household responsibilities, a small part time job, and where is my 1 hour time for me 3-4 days a week??? I'd just like an hour to go get my hair cut, but it never seems to happen.
This whole thing is so hard when it's just you vs him. But the kids make it even harder. He'll say he doesn't like to involve the kids in this problem, but he's the one telling the kids to not tell mom when they see him drinking.
No one can tell you what to do because its entirely up to you. However, one of the questions I've pondered came from a marriage therapist we saw about 3 years ago. And I've read it in dear Abby too- are you better off with him or without him? What about your kids? I answered that question for when he was sober, and when he was drinking, and then again for my kids. I literally took paper and made a pro and con list, and took a week or more to think on it to finish it. It was eye opening.
Huge to you, and I hope you're having a great weekend!
Shawn
(((((Bonnie))))) you're growing and your perspective and attitude are getting clearer and stronger. I've learned in recovery to allow the alcoholic/addict the dignity for the consequences of her choices and at the same time wokeup and realized that the very same thing applied to me. My sponsor taught me about choosing the consequences first before choosing the action to get me it. No one has as much awareness about your situation than Bonnie. Lotsa people can listen and come up with their own ideas about what it is and what to do about it...however for me I will listen more closely to another Al-Anon member share their ESH with me than a marriage counselor without program experience or any experiences in the disease. There are tons and tons of psycologist and psychiatrist in the addiction counseling industry and what I learned before I got into it myself was..."Alcoholic don't drink because they have problems...they have problems because they drink". As long as your alcoholic is drinking you will have to deal with the condition some way or another...by choice. Keep your mind open and attend open Al-Anon meetings regularly and you will arrive at what is best for you in the long run. We don't worry about perfection...just progress and you're there.
Bonnie....just my 2 cents worth....I think you have a clearer picture of what you are dealing with than than you realize. You are well on your way & you will figure out what is best for you & your kids, one day at a time. Keep going to those face to face Al anon meetings For me it took awhile , but I had to ask my Ah to leave, I personally could not & did not want to live in insanity. I felt it was unhealthy for me & my kids. Now I have a Alcoholic son & I feel the same way, I choose to let him go & let God. As you know Thanksgiving weekend is coming up I have invited the whole family even his Children, my grandchildren, but I refuse to invite my son & the lady he is drinking with. Simply because I do not want the whole house hold upset & everyone on edge. It has nothing to do with not loving my son, it has to do with the disease. Its his disease & unless he decides to get help for it I will not let it affect my life & ruin our family get togetherness, I will not accept the unacceptable. For each of us what we can deal with & handle is different. What I may find unacceptable may be acceptable to the next person. Sending you lots of support
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Icie
"Holding a grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die..."
