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Hi all!
I've been lurking and reading for awhile. It has greatly helped me after my AH and his episodes. He's been going to AA meetings and seems to be wanting to work on his sobriety. Like everything else, there are good days and then horrible days.
The question I have is how to deal with this situation. My whole family (me, ah, and 2 kids) were at his family's every 5 year family reunion. Most of the people I had no clue who they were. I was standing around the corner waiting for one of my kids to come out of the bathroom and his parents were talking with some aunt and uncle I had no idea who it was! So the aunt asked my mil about my ah and she said how they went on a cruise with us. Then my fil said how my ah had drank up their entire minibar in their room. My mil chimed in "and his wife doesn't even drink! It makes things real uncomfortable..." And then they start commiserating how much of a wet blanket a non drinker is!!! It's not like they are all alcoholics or anything, it's just I've always felt my ah overindulged so often, I was never comfortable because someone had to drive home and take care of the kids!! He would never be the responsible one.
I was horrified and embarrassed they felt this way about me. How would they feel if they knew I was contemplating divorce? I still haven't confronted them, and I don't know if I could. I've acted like I didn't hear it, and have chosen to keep my distance from them. I'm probably one of the few people on the planet who had a great relationship with my inlaws, and now I'm kind of mourning that too.
How should I have handled it? I feel like I put my tail between my legs and ran to the corner.... Is not drinking really that uncomfortable for others? I don't comment, I just don't choose to drink.
Thanks in advance!
Shawn
My mil was like my best friend. My exAH left me a few times over the 16 years we were together and they were supportive each time, but when I left him they turned on me . This is a family disease and it effects everyone. I have moved on and been just fine, but it was a shock to me, dettachment helps. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
The phrase "what you think of me is none of my business" comes to mind.
Really, the person whose opinion of you that should matter is your own. All you have is you and your relationship with your HP in this life. Work on that relationship first. When you start seeing what a valuable, worthwhile person you really are, outside opinions just won't shake you so much.
Be kind to yourself.
One of the problems I've had with my aspect of this disease is being wrapped up and overly concerned with what other people thought of me. If someone said something about me that could be construed as "bad" I always felt like I needed to defend myself immediately. Else somehow I would face oblivion.
I've since learned that the world doesn't come to a screeching halt if someone has a low opinion of me. And that I can actually still manage to live my life and be a pretty happy, joyous person despite someone's ill opinions.
Hi jsjjkelly Glad that you posted and welcome to Miracles in Progress.
I believe that everyone is entitled to their opinions. Alanon meetings clearly state that the opinions expressed were strictly those of the person who expressed them They are neither right nor wrong and I could either take what I liked or just leave them alone. I have learned in al anon to allow others to have "their own opinions"
I do not drink and have had many people express their opinion on that They are entitled to their opinion I am entitled to express mine. Neither opinion can force another to change and I do not have to apologize to anyone
I agree many drinkers look on non drinkers as boring and silly If you are at a party and sober just listen to the really boring conversations that go on and are repeated continually by the drinking members
.
I see nothing wrong with not drinking and would not feel embarrassed by the fact.
Please check out the local al anon Face to Face meetings in your community
The fact that they would be critical of someone who doesn't drink shows where his alcoholism grew out of. Between an alcoholic who drinks up someone's entire mini-bar and a non-drinker, who would think the non-drinker is the problem?
Or is it that they were saying that the contents of the mini-bar were gone, and it couldn't have been you helping drink them because you don't drink? Therefore it was all his doing? You know the context so you will know which of these is most likely.
I was told once that I was boring --- ok, better to be boring than drunk......ya think? When I awake in the morning, I'll KNOW what I did the nite before and I'll know that I caused no harm........
Hon, blow it off - isn't worth bringing up -- you walked away the better person IMHO
Thanks so much everyone for your wonderful support! As we work our way through this, the situations keep changing and have me questioning the ways to handle them. My ah actually told his parents he's been going to AA meetings because he has a problem with alcohol. His dads response was "ya think?"
Trouble is, we're kind of in this together, because he's active duty and our families all live in another state. They don't see the day to day that I do, only the good times where everyone's celebrating because its either a holiday or a vacation and either way, we haven't seen everyone in a long while.
My inlaws are coming to visit next month and it'll be the first time we've seen them face to face since this process has started in earnest (this time that is). I already told him I have a feeling they'll think it's me behind this when it should really be him. And so far, It has been his doing. So I'm kind of anxious about it all.
Thanks everyone!
Shawn
The fact that they would be critical of someone who doesn't drink shows where his alcoholism grew out of. Between an alcoholic who drinks up someone's entire mini-bar and a non-drinker, who would think the non-drinker is the problem?
Or is it that they were saying that the contents of the mini-bar were gone, and it couldn't have been you helping drink them because you don't drink? Therefore it was all his doing? You know the context so you will know which of these is most likely.
Mattie- it was really more of a "oh my gosh he was having such a good time, and that mini bar bill was xx dollars". Like all the other times he'd do things, it was always behind my back. The mini bar in our room was untouched, one of the other lines during that conversation was that if I found out about it, he'd be in big trouble with old' wet blanket me... Enable much?
Their philosophy in life is they want their kids happy. So it was under the context of it was making him happy....
Makes me shake my head every time I think about it.
Shawn
Yes, well....my parents wanted me to be happy too. My own mom tried to tell me I was not an alcoholic when I told her I was going to AA. She said the same thing about my uncle (her brother) who was not only an alcoholic, but a violent one too. Get this - A few years earlier I was living at home for a while and my mother did tell me she was worried about my drinking and thought I was an alcoholic. The capacity for denial when they are not the ones living with it day in and day out is staggering. You are right, parent's do just want to see their kids happy. That includes denying a problem or turning it into something less threatening and even "humourous." My parents were/are the same way. I love them anyhow. They are massive enablers but I know that now.
Yes, well....my parents wanted me to be happy too. My own mom tried to tell me I was not an alcoholic when I told her I was going to AA. She said the same thing about my uncle (her brother) who was not only an alcoholic, but a violent one too. Get this - A few years earlier I was living at home for a while and my mother did tell me she was worried about my drinking and thought I was an alcoholic. The capacity for denial when they are not the ones living with it day in and day out is staggering. You are right, parent's do just want to see their kids happy. That includes denying a problem or turning it into something less threatening and even "humourous." My parents were/are the same way. I love them anyhow. They are massive enablers but I know that now.
But the funny thing is, how do I now deal with them knowing this is how they are? It's just so uncomfortable.... It's nice because we don't live in the same state as they do, but they're headed here next month and I am just dreading it.
Shawn
One must remember lots of people think a alcoholic are only those people sleeping on park benches, homeless, no jobs etc.They do not know or understand what alcoholism is. I asked my sons lady friend the other day do you think my son has a drinking problem, her reply was not that she noticed. For a few minutes I was stunned, I wasn't quiet sure I was hearing correct. I am saying to myself OMG , he drinks daily, consumes anywhere from 6 to a dozen beers everyday, or more. Has the red nose, stumbles, slurs his words, lies, doesn't keep appointments, dates etc,the list goes on. Then reality hit she drinks with him & thinks its normal. I told her I would keep her & my son in my prayers. I knew it would be senseless to try & tell her otherwise. One thing I have learned in Al anon is when to let go & let God.
Please do not take personally what others are saying or doing, it really has nothing to do with you. What matters is that you know your Ah has a drinking problem & it's his place to tell his parents & explain things to them.
The service workers posted lots of excellent info
-- Edited by Icie on Sunday 23rd of September 2012 11:34:07 AM
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Icie
"Holding a grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die..."
I guess the best suggestions I can offer are to not take personally what is going on in their family dynamic. They are all trying to ignore a huge elephant in the room (his alcoholism) and that will make for crazy statements and some crazy behaviors. It's not about you so much even if the statement are about you it is to explain away HIS problem. I read in other posts that your husband is going to AA now. Not sure if he has an honest relationship with them, but after I told my parents I was doing that - whether or not they believed I was alcoholic or not didn't matter. It was not a joking matter at that point and they made sure to tell me when alcohol was going to be at our family gatherings. So....just remember to not take things personally. I bet if you asked his parents, they would say how wonderful you are. Try just accepting them for who they are and focusing on the positives.
Your husband should be having a talk with them - seeing as AA is an honest program. That's his job though. If it gets to a point where things are literally toxic with them there and your marriage and life are under so much stress, you can explain that with tact. You do not have to put on a "fake show" for them about how happy you guys are. That is the most draining part...
